The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at doctorkenner.com.

Stacy, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

What's your question?

My question is, I've never experienced depression or anxiety in my life before, and then I had a stomach digestive disorder that my doctor put me on a medication for. I was on it for about three months, and in the last month of being on it, I noticed feelings of depression and so forth, which was one of the side effects that I had read about. So I told the doctor. They switched me onto a different medication, but about four or five days after going off of that first medication, I became really nauseous and thought I had some sort of flu. Well, it turns out, throughout the course of the week, along with the nausea, I was noticing a lot of what later on I realized was anxiety—like not being able to sleep through the night. You know, waking up every morning, almost on the dot at 3:20 every morning, sweating profusely and shaking and not being able to go back to sleep, and still having that lingering feeling throughout a lot of the day. So what I’m wondering is, if this is some sort of anxiety that was brought on by the medication, and I might be having some sort of withdrawals or something, is it possible for that? I know if your brain chemistry changes, that can cause depression and so forth. Is it possible for me to work through this on my own? Can you get over depression that’s chemically brought on, or is that something you need? I hate the thought of taking medication to get over it.

Okay, this is one of those cases where, if most of your life you've spent without feeling an undercurrent of depression or anxiety—you've had ups and downs, but basically, you’re a normal person and can function with the stresses in life—that’s the case. And then you had the digestive disorder, and they put you on meds. From what you're saying, the meds biochemically triggered feelings that you hadn’t felt as intensely or deeply before, right? Negative ones: the anxiety, not being able to sleep, which is awful, feeling really down, feeling sad. And yes, you can. The number one thing to do is to talk with your doctor about the medication for the disorder. Are you still on meds for that?

Yes, I am.

Okay. So could they still be the culprit then?

Well, you know, I don’t know. It’s funny, because when I mentioned to the gastroenterologist how I was feeling, his nurse assistant said, "Oh yeah, depression is one of those side effects." He said to me, "No, no, that wouldn’t cause it," and he kind of dismissed it.

Okay, what’s going on in your life that could also cause it?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

He said to me, "No, no, that wouldn’t cause it," and he kind of dismissed it.

Okay. What’s going on in your life that could also cause it?

You know, in general, I think everything's fine. I have a good job, a good marriage, and three kids that, of course, I worry about different things going on with them, but for the most part, they're wonderful kids. Two of them are in college, one is in high school, and we don’t have any real big problems with any of them. I think I have normal concerns about their safety and welfare, but truthfully, I don’t feel like I have anything that should be causing me all this anxiety. And yet, this whole past week, I’ve missed work because I haven’t been able to sleep. My hands and feet are always clammy, and at times it gets more severe. It seems to be worse in the morning.

Oh, I feel so badly. It definitely sounds biochemical. You could be contributing to it if you’re thinking, "What if I never get over this? What if this is me for life? What if I've changed?" Have you had any thoughts like that?

Yeah.

That could trigger anxiety, and that could trigger depression, because depression often signifies loss. If you feel like you're losing control over your mind or your good mood, that’s a major loss. If you think, "What if I’ll be like this for life, and my husband leaves me and finds another woman, and I’m never able to get my sleep, and I become cantankerous around the kids, or sad and depressed around the kids, or… what if I become like my mother?"

What I’ve noticed is that because this is a stomach issue, I feel a lot of anxiety when I think about eating. Every time I go to eat, I think, "Okay, how’s my stomach going to feel?" And I think, okay, that’s probably where the anxiety is coming from.

If that triggers it, I would recommend getting the book on my website at doctorkenner.com, a cognitive therapy book called Mind Over Mood. It will teach you how to do a "thought record" when you wake up in the middle of the night. Start with your emotion—the anxiety—put it into words, and then shed the light of reason on it so that your anxiety will lessen. If you see that nothing bad will happen, or if you see that your thoughts are what is called "stinking thinking," you can revise your thinking, and your mood will follow.

Okay.

So, the part that’s contributed by your thoughts you can deal with. You might as well get those skills anyway. The part that’s biochemical, work with your doctor, but I don’t think you have to go on heavy meds for depression and anxiety.

Good. That’s what I was wondering. Yeah, I’d really prefer to avoid that.

Thank you so much. And call me back and let me know how things go, Stacy.

Alright, thanks for the call.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner. Here’s a situation where a woman has been married for 20 years to a guy who shies away from hugs, hand-holding, and kissing. This is what she says: "When I met him, he was even shy when I reached to brush his face; he pulled away as if I was going to strike him. His mother was abusive. He’s a very nice person. He just can’t stand to be touched. It’s been very hard for me, as I was brought up in a very physically affectionate family. Is there any way after all this time, 20 years, that he will ever be able to embrace the affections I so want to shower on him?"

Thank you kindly for your consideration of my question, Janet. Now, I think this is very, very sad, and it makes me even question, have you guys had sex together? Have you been able to be romantically intimate? It reminds me of Vietnam vets I worked with who were severely repressed from trauma in their life. I also worked with abuse victims who were terrified to show or express warmth and didn’t know how to. But he doesn’t have an excuse after 20 years of being with you and seeing you around your family. He’s got to have two categories in his mind: "One is, my mother was abusive, but some people are loving and not going to slap you when they reach out to touch you." The question for you is, do you want to stay in the marriage?

I assume from this you’re saying you want to shower him with affection, which is a little puzzling to me. I would think you’d be very frustrated with him. Will he change? How motivated is he to change? That’s the first step. If Bruce were to say, "I feel so badly and guilty, and I wish I weren’t so gun-shy when it comes to affection. I love you, Janet. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, and even more intimate things are so tied to my abusive past. I feel like a victim, and I’d like to be a survivor." If he said that, then I'd say, yeah, he’s on the road. He’s got some motivation to change. I would recommend getting the book Changing for Good. He could go into individual therapy to focus on this. Then, both of you could get into couples therapy. You could even get some therapy for yourself, since you haven’t had affection for 20 years. The question for you would be, "Why did I stay with someone when I haven’t had affection for 20 years?"

Notice him around young kids. I assume you don’t have any, but if you do, is he affectionate with them? If not, it’s really sad if he can’t be affectionate with his own kids. If you have pets, would he be affectionate with a pet? You want to help him pull out of his shell. In Changing for Good, he will first discover his motivation. You can’t change him. You can just make the decision whether to stay with him or not. If the rest of the relationship is wonderful, you may opt to stay. If not, you always have the choice to leave. Then he has to think through the problem in a lot of detail. He can also get Mind Over Mood on my website or Prisoners of Belief. All of these are excellent books to help him change. He can make a specific action plan to move into action to break his habit and feel safer, and both of you need to know how to deal with slip-ups.

I wish you some very good success with that. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to doctorkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

In deciding whether to forgive your partner for a major injustice, consider how good your current relationship is. Are you both still committed to it? For example, in the case of adultery, is the adultery a long-term pattern or a one-time event? Is your partner willing to do what’s necessary to rebuild trust over time? Are the factors that caused your partner to commit adultery changeable? How deeply hurt are you emotionally? Finally, if you conclude that you cannot forgive, realize that you will not be able to have a warm and loving relationship. Such a realization is often a prelude to separation or divorce.

You can download chapter one for free by going to doctorkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.