The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Speaking of romance, Dr. Ed Locke and I had a comment in our book, or we have a sentence in our book. Think about how you feel about this. We believe that many, if not most, "sex problems" are not at root sex problems, but rather relationship problems. And of course, we know some people are a little bit clueless about sex, how things work, and whatnot, and you need some information there. But when you get into a partnership, a marriage, or a dating situation, or a long-term partnership, what happens?

What typically happens? Well, we all hear the stories, or we've all been there. Excuse me, firsthand, sex starts to fade. It's no longer exciting. You wonder what you each saw in each other, and you feel like you have to do it. You get this great sense of relief when it's done. Some people feel that. Some partners feel that they're always having to beg for sex. They have to pressure their partner, and the other partner is saying, "Oh gosh, let's get it over with."

There are a million different books on the market, including ours, on how to revitalize, spice up, rekindle, and reawaken your sexual desire. You can check out our book if you want to: selfishromance.com. How can you not check out that book with a title like that? The book is The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason.

I received an interesting comment the other day where someone said that, you know, the partnership is awful, but the sex is great. Now, that's a bit different. The sex is great, but the partnership, the relationship is lousy. They don't have any communication, they don't share any interest, they don't like each other's habits, and they don't share the same values.

In a little bit, I'll tell you a little bit more about what's going on. But if sex is good and you don't feel an emotional and intimate connection apart from sex, man, you want to ask yourself a series of questions: What is the bond that keeps me with this person? What makes sex so good for me? What goes through my mind during sex? What is it I admire about this person? Is there something else I admire about them that's keeping me connected? Is there stuff from my past that's keeping me here? Am I just very, very good at fantasizing, and it's almost like anybody could be there because I'm often in my fantasy anyway? Or is it that you're thinking of someone else when you're making love?

So that's just a sample of the type of introspective questions you want to ask yourself. If you and your partner have different interests, you can ask yourself, are they at least compatible? Are they in the same moral universe? For example, one person likes to hike, and the other person not so much. They prefer listening to opera. So each one can do their own thing occasionally, but they do have things they enjoy doing together.

Maybe they enjoy, I don't know, cooking together. They have some other hobby now that's very different from someone who owns a cattle ranch and their partner is a committed vegan. Because if you're a committed vegan, how can you admire someone who owns a cattle ranch? I mean, what is the motivation for being with them? So if you don't have any moral differences that you take seriously, that would break up the relationship. If those aren't there, then it's fine to have some different interests. Everybody does in a relationship. There are no two people who are identical.

So here's the part I want to get to. If the sex is great and the relationship stinks and the communication is bad, when you look at the details of the communication, it's not just that it's bad communication; it's that it is an abuse of communication. There are put-downs, there's lying. Then how can you make love with this person being aware of that? What do you do in your own mind?

So I want to name some questions to ask yourself. This comes from an older book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, and I know the situation can be reversed. It's a book by Dr. Susan Forward that was very popular in its day and has very, very good advice. One of the questions is, does he—and again, you can insert "she" if the situation is reversed—assume the right to control how you live and how you behave? Have you given up important activities in your life in order to keep him happy?

Does he devalue your opinions, your feelings, and your accomplishments? Does he yell, threaten, or withdraw into angry silence when you displease him? Do you walk on eggshells, rehearsing what you will say so as not to set him off? Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning? Do you often feel confused, off balance, or inadequate with him? Is he extremely jealous and possessive? Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?

And again, that's from the book Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. So if the sex is great, but the relationship is not good, let me tell you, that is not love. It is not romantic love. It's a connection. But it doesn't sound like a healthy connection. It sounds like an abusive one.

How do you disentangle yourself from an abusive relationship? Well, you can certainly read that book if you're a woman in that situation or a man—just flip the he and she's on it. But really, you could also read our book and discover what love is. It's an admiration. It's a valuing of the other person's mind, their character, their choice-making, and learning how to interact together.

To love one another is a skill that can be learned.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. That means you want to be able to not feel like your head's not screwed on. You want to feel like you understand your own mind, or you have the skills to do it, or you could learn the skills to do it so that you can enjoy your friendships better, your romantic relationships better, or search for one if you're doing that. Enjoy relations with your kids better.

How many people can't wait to have kids? It's part of their whole childhood and young adult dream to have a family. Then they have kids, and then they wonder, "Why did I ever do this?" Or "I am such a failure," and what an awful experience to have your dream crushed like that. When if you give yourself some skills under you—get some skills under your belt, some good parenting skills—and you're willing to put in the effort and time to learn new skills and to work with your kids, you might find that you can make that dream come true, even if they're a little older.

If you think, "Oh, I missed the boat; I didn't get them when they were real young, and now they're teenagers," you can still turn things around. Now, this is obviously not a guarantee. Your kids have their own mind. They may make it impossible for you to do that, but within what's possible for you, you'll earn self-esteem, even if you try for more.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke: To resolve conflict, you must have a mindset that is respectful of yourself and your partner, not just giving in or being a bully. Your goal is to establish a purposeful line of thinking that works toward a healthy resolution of any conflict.

A cooperative, benevolent, and solution-focused approach is best. Focus on the area of specific conflict, actively listen to understand each other, clarify misunderstandings, and then brainstorm to discover solutions. If you try to fake a sweet demeanor when you are actually upset, it is only a matter of time before your sweet veneer dissipates. Even if your words come out measured and sweet, your body language or restrained tone of voice will betray your actual feelings.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at Amazon.com.