The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and this is from a Time magazine article titled "The Real Truth About Teens and Sex," written by Sabrina Weil, who was an editor at Seventeen magazine. She’s had the advantage of speaking with thousands of teenagers and also partnered with the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy to interview hundreds of teens. This is what she reports: Parents often think that all kids are out there at sex parties and just messing around. While some teens are, many are not. However, something else troubling is happening in today’s culture: teens aren’t valuing sex the way previous generations did. It’s freely available and rampant. Kids can go online, visit porn sites—even at school. They pick up terms like "hooking up" or "friends with benefits." This creates a concerning environment because, by treating sex so casually, teens may not learn to distinguish casual encounters from true intimacy. They might have promiscuous sex lives without ever learning to form a solid, lasting bond with one person.

So what can a parent do? What if you're worried about your son or daughter viewing inappropriate content online? Many parents assume their kids don’t need any further guidance because sex education is everywhere: school, the internet, friends, sitcoms. However, according to Sabrina Weil, much of this information is misinformation. Assuming your values are solid, parents can have a profound influence on their children, even if kids act uninterested, say "whatever," or become silent. Bear with those silences and avoid going on the attack or lecturing. Instead, listen. Ask questions like, "What do you know about sex?" or "What do you think about taking precautions or having sex early?" Then, sit back and listen. Parents often want to add their own advice, which is necessary to set norms, but avoid doing so in a lecturing tone. Show respect and concern, saying things like, "What are your concerns?" If a child says, "I'm worried about getting pregnant if I have sex early," guide them to understand why waiting might be beneficial and, if they are sexually active, how to take precautions.

Switching topics, I’ll now address an email from a young person named Derek. Derek wrote: "I watched the September 11, 2001 documentary, and it made me scared of life. My mom helped me feel better, but now I'm scared of growing up. Is there a way for me to feel better? PS, does making friends help me feel better?" Yes, Derek, making good friends can help you feel better. Many children exposed to horrific events, whether in personal life or through media, feel traumatized. Young kids, without context, find such documentaries frightening because they portray real events vividly and graphically. September 11 was indeed horrifying, but it is not the norm. If it were, we wouldn’t react as we did. It’s like a horror movie, but real. After seeing such things, kids may begin to question their assumptions about the world, asking if it could happen to them, if they can trust others, or if they’re ever truly safe.

It’s essential to remember that terrorists, like those who orchestrated September 11, are the exception, not the rule. Most people are good or a mix, but not pure evil. Terrorists want to instill fear, making people afraid of life. Don’t let them succeed, Derek. Go out and make friends; there are many good people. Understand that good people outnumber the bad. Humanity is smarter, more rational, and has the right to defend against attackers, even to the point of imprisoning or eliminating them if necessary. So, remember the positive: the people who create, build, and help others, from engineers to doctors. Choose inspiring documentaries and pursue ideas that matter. You have a right to self-defense, and by focusing on positive goals, you can move beyond fear.

Now here’s an excerpt from Bend It Like Beckham, a great movie that you can watch with your kids. In the film, a character reflects on being thrown out of an English cricket club and decides he will never play again, vowing not to let his daughter repeat his mistakes of passivity. He wants her to fight and win, not just accept things as they are.

And lastly, here’s more from Dr. Kenner: The Selfish Path to Romance. A romantic partner to avoid is someone who fakes self-esteem by using "defense values." These include money, looks, intelligence, social status, and more. While not inherently bad, these values can become harmful when used to cover up self-doubt. For instance, owning a luxury car is fine if it brings genuine pleasure, but it doesn’t change who you are. Approval from others shouldn’t define your worth.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and find the book on Amazon.