The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

We can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include.

And that's from the movie Chocolat. If you haven't seen it, go out and rent the movie. It's wonderful. It's inspiring. Goodness is not self-denial. Give up, give up, give up—you know, you go to church or temple or your mosque, and you're supposed to give up, give up, give up. Well, goodness is not giving up. Goodness is pursuing your rational goals, whether it's a hobby you love—tennis or, badminton came to mind, I don't know why—but just your hobbies, your career goals, your love of your life. Those are the goodies in life—your good friendships. That's what goodness is. You're making yourself into a lovable person with a healthy character, with honesty and integrity. That's what goodness is. It isn't all of this, "Oh, well, I gave up everything I own. Aren't I good now?" No, you're a person who's going to be very depressed, resentful of other people who didn’t give things up, and bitter going through life while you put on a fake smile and pretend that you feel real good inside, but you don't, and you don’t want to live at odds with yourself.

Here's somebody who asked me a question about... Oh. She says, this woman says, "My daughter adopted a son when he was one day old. He's three and a half years old now. He's got a very sweet personality most of the time, but at other times, he can become explosive. He also has a half-brother who's five, who came into our house at six months old—so, two adopted kids—who also has some behavior problems. Could the younger one be dealing with rejection because he was adopted at one day old, even though he was so young? What's the best course of action to take? My daughter, the mom, is strong on love and discipline and consistency."

I do not think that a one-day-old could experience abandonment when all he's ever known is the adoptive parents, unless your daughter is saying, "Well, you're not my real child, and you're lucky that I adopted you." Well then, if she's creating that problem, that unearned guilt in him, then she's the problem. She needs therapy. She needs better parenting skills.

So another possibility is your daughter can be strong on love, but when you throw in the words "discipline" and "consistency," I wouldn’t want her as a mom. I don't mind the consistency, but discipline comes across as heavy-handed. I would go to my website, DrKenner.com, and get the books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. One is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

It could also be the case that your daughter adopted children thinking it would be a wonderful "pie in the sky," and it ended up being a lot more work than she wants, and it could be very stressful for her, and she could be taking it out on the kids.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

So, Aaron is upset that Jane spends too much money on clothes. To avoid a huge conflict, he might express himself immediately without attacking Jane's character. Instead of Aaron contemptuously fuming to her, "You're reckless with money, you make me furious!"—which attacks Jane's character and invites a counterattack from her, "You're even more reckless!"—Aaron can say, "I'm very upset. We both agreed on a fair budget, and we need that money for the rent this month." It's a skill to express your anger openly and assertively. Your body language and tone of voice need to be consistent with your assertive language. With practice, you can communicate your anger accurately without subtly attacking your partner's character.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.