The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and Amazon.com.

Now, what happens if you've made a string of really bad choices in your own life and you're trying to make your life better? You've been an alcoholic, you've been through a divorce, you've had a hard childhood, but you want to improve your life right now. We're going to turn to our after-hours line and listen to someone who's in this situation. I'll try to help him out.

Good morning, Dr. Kenner. I have probably a very prolonged question, but it obviously involves, you know, happiness and depression, and from what I have gathered from being a struggling Christian over the last few years involving torment. It just seems like ever since I was a young child, there has been nothing in my life really gone right. I mean, just family dysfunction, you know. And I know I feel like I can answer my own questions sometimes when I speak as far as where the problems lie. But you know, this from the really dysfunctional upbringing, and lost a lot of friends growing up, very poor choices, accidents, had finally found happiness when my daughter was born, and she has struggled some with development, a little bit mildly autistic, and I'm thrilled to call her my daughter, and I'm her daddy, and she's everything to me. So for that, on a positive note, but did go through divorce also, so it's just been a continuous string of effect, just really poor decisions over the last few years after the divorce, when I don't have my daughter really dump myself into heavy drinking and just, you know, I've tried to walk a Christian walk, and it keeps coming back that I've just struggled further and further. I was just wanting to leave that message and slash question, and hopefully be able to get some response on your opinions and so forth.

Okay, you sound like a super nice guy, and I understand that. Had I been in the position of your wife while you were drinking, I wouldn't have thought that. I wouldn't have liked you at all. Probably most likely, I would have been very frustrated with you if you were coming home drunk again, or not coming home, or not paying the bills on time, or not keeping a job. And you may have burned your bridges totally with your ex, but you're looking to repair your own life and move on. And one of your biggest joys in your life is your daughter. You say she's everything to you, and I suspect that partly she's everything to you because she also symbolizes what you lost out on. You could have been with her had you made better choices in your life. So you're floundering. You're a nice guy, you're honestly facing some bad choices, and I want to credit you because that's one of the biggest problems in therapy, as people come in and they want to blame everybody else but themselves. You're identifying that you did have a rough start in life. You had a very dysfunctional family. You say you had accidents happen and loss of friends, and then you made a whole series of bad choices. So what are your most fundamental ideas? What did you conclude about yourself back then? That you're unworthy, that you're somehow bad, or that you can't make sense of people or the world? If you grew up with a dysfunctional family, were they alcoholics? Did you just think that that was the way to solve solutions? You used them as a role model, and you might have drawn some very self-damaging conclusions that you're looking to change now. You wouldn't want your daughter to have the same conclusions that "I'm unworthy, and I can't deal with people, and the only thing I can do is drink to get rid of the pain I feel inside, the turmoil within." So you're floundering. Now, many people, when they flounder, they look for a moral code, and the ready-made moral code is a Christian one. People walk into it, and yet you've tried that. And the big question, the big enigma, is...

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com, and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting. Now...

Many people, when they flounder, they look for a moral code, and the ready-made moral code is a Christian one. People walk into it, and yet you've tried that. And the big question, the big enigma, is, why are you feeling tormented and struggling and depressed and not happy when you're trying to follow their recipe for success? Well, what is their recipe? What is the Christian moral code? Yeah, well, does it involve achieving a very good, self-respecting character and becoming like a Bill Gates, or achieving your dreams and having a loving relationship, a productive career, and being self-valuing and enjoying the good things in life? Or does it involve sacrifice? Well, look at Jesus on the cross. Nailed to a cross. Look at nuns, look at priests, look at monks. The whole theme with Christianity is self-sacrifice. You're supposed to be good if you give up yourself. So I would question that moral code. I have seen too many people in therapy who are there because they bought into a self-sacrificing moral code where being humble is supposed to make you feel good rather than earning a sense of earned pride, not faked pride. So what I recommend for you is to have empathy for yourself. You did have a very bad start in life, meaning you, in one sense, were a victim, but you're not playing the victim role. So credit to you there. The second thing is, do some really good introspective work. You're already honest. What were the costs of your bad choices? What were your bad choices? What were the triggers for those bad choices? How can you repair that and make better choices? Set some really good, rational goals for yourself. Take ownership of the earned guilt and make amends. You can speak with your ex about that. Apologize to her. You're realizing how much pain and frustration you caused her, and you made bad choices, and you'll regret them for the rest of your life, and you're trying to move on. You know, you'll never be marital partners, but you want to be good parent partners with her. Try to work with her. Prioritize your values. First should be repairing your character, having a good relationship with your daughter, having good career goals, good friendships, and making yourself lovable, which is repairing your character. There's also a great book, Sober for Good. And of course, I recommend The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand. It gives you the opposite of the Christian moral code. That's on my website, DrKenner.com.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

He got a fair trial, didn't he? What do you think that trial cost? He's lucky he got it. We heard the facts, didn't we? You're not going to tell me that we're supposed to believe this kid, knowing what he is. Listen, I've lived among them all my life. You can't believe a word they say. You know that? I mean, they're born liars.

Only an ignorant man can believe that. Now listen, do you think you were born with a monopoly on the truth?

Now, that comes from 12 Angry Men, and that's a wonderful movie with Henry Fonda. And it talks about prejudice. I mean, what happens if you're living with someone who's prejudiced, like an Archie Bunker or a co-worker who's prejudiced, and you have to live with their chronic irrationality? "Oh, those type of people don't know what they're talking about," or "they're all stupid," or "you can't trust any of those people." Imagine being married to that type of person. What do you do? Do you just shut up and put up and let them run roughshod over you? They tend to be loud. They tend to intimidate. Or do you speak your own mind and just say, "You're full of it. I don't want to hear it anymore." That's a tip-off for an irrational person, someone who is prejudiced like that. If you're dealing with someone like that, or living with someone like that, or your child, or your parents are like that, speak up. Use your own voice. Call them on it, just like they did in 12 Angry Men, and question it.

Yeah, what's going to call a bully, a bullying parent on their being prejudiced?

Oh, the kid, sure. Oh, you mean, well, if the parent's saying, "You know, all those people do that," say, "Mom, how do you know that? What is it about all those people? What's the essence? There are some of them that are good and some that are bad. I'm in school, and there are some people who, let's just take 10 kids, white is white, that they're good, and some that are bad. Help me understand you better, Mom." So a kid could either draw the parent out, or in really severe situations where the parent is totally irrational, and the kid is imprisoned with this parent for 12 years or 18 years, then you may have to stay quiet with your parents, but speak up on the outside and make a vow that the minute you get out of the claws of your parents, you'll be your own, that you'll speak up. But I still wouldn't stay completely quiet. I think the kids who stuff everything in with their parents end up worse off than the kids who speak out and have a few battles with their parents, but they learn that it's proper to speak out. And of course, if the kids can learn assertiveness skills early on, that's even better instead of being aggressive.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Rejection comes in all forms, from subtle to shocking. You may feel rejection the first time you meet someone when you see signs of disappointment in the person's face. You may have been stood up. You may have been dumped at the end of a long-term relationship, or been divorced several times. Some hurt is unavoidable, but knowing that you are, in principle, lovable is the antidote. When you have the right perspective on your own life and on the goal of finding your soulmate, rejection hurts less. What you say to yourself when you're rejected is critical. Your inner thoughts are based on your fundamental ideas about yourself, romance, and life in general.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.