The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and @amazon.com

Mike, you're having some difficulty in your career. Yes, I am. Tell me what's going on. Well, I seem to be in some sort of self-destruct mode. I've done very large-scale projects and then my absolute dream job, and even though I've done much more than what I'm doing now, I can't seem to get even a small part of what I've already done accomplished, and I don't know what to do about it.

What is your dream job? Well, I wish I could tell you a little bit more about it, but let me just put it this way. You've probably seen me on TV, and it's the kind of thing that people do on National Geographic and pay money to let people do. Okay? The reason I can't tell you is because several of my coworkers also listen to your radio show, and they just really don't want to be. Oh, then that's fine. No, you don't have to put on anything that would disclose who you are. Yes, I'm sorry. So you're thinking you're in a dream job, and you feel like you're sabotaging. Oh, and I know it. Oh, tell me what you're doing to sabotage it. What are you aware of?

Well, I'm trying to recreate something that I did once before on a huge scale, and even just a small part of it as I'm an engineer, and it's just a simple component within something that takes a couple of months, should take me about two to three days, maybe four days, taught to do it, and four months later, I still haven't begun. It seems that I'll do something like I'll open my email to clear my head, and then I'll think, well, why am I doing this? This is important; isn't important. Get back to your work, and then I start back on the work and think, well, now I got all these open emails. I didn't even finish those. I go back to those, and at the end of the week, I still haven't started what should have been done by the end of that week.

Okay, so the best thing that you're doing is bringing it to the top of your awareness. Now even by making the phone call, it makes it more tangible, meaning you're wanting to resolve this chronic problem that you're having, the procrastination. So what you can start to do is to try to figure out what goes in your mind. If you were to start the project, what are you doing right after the phone call? I'm sorry, I don't know. Do you have anything else going on today? Oh, sorry, from work around the house. No. Okay, so it's basically an open day. If you were to start your project right after you got off the phone with me, imagine doing that and think about what's going through your mind.

Okay, tell me what's going through your mind, what images, what feelings. Well, the very first thing that hit me is that this is my day off. I don't want to be doing that. Okay? And take that a little further. What else is going through your mind? Well, the thought that I have done that on several occasions. I've even taken vacation or holidays or called in sick in order to do just to sit down and do that without an interruption, and sit and work at home, and at the end of the day, I still haven't started.

Okay, so what we're trying to track is what's going unnoticed by you, or it's implicit. It's there, but not explicitly noticed by you. And we want to make that explicit, so you're trying to look at what are the most. Most of us are immediately aware of our failings. It's just like this wall of resistance. We don't want to do it. It's I've got better things to do. And then you want to carefully monitor what you say to yourself. If you could let that feeling just let loose, what would that feeling say? For example, this is my vacation day. Why do I have to do this? And then you might say things like, it's too overwhelming, it's too much, or I've already done this before, I don't want to go back and start all over again. And what if it doesn't work out, it's all this effort expended for nothing. And you know, I'd much rather it's a nice day. I'd rather be out in my garden, or I'd rather be able to putter around the house. And why can't I have some time for myself? And they can't tell me what to do anyway. You may not have had that last thought, but you want to look at exactly what is going on in your mind.

Actually, it sounds like you just played a whole track of it did. I had a vacation in about 11 years, and I took this entire week off leading up to this moment, and I feel like I just didn't have that time at all. I just never have a chance to stop and rest.

So it may be that you're wanting in order to recharge your batteries for this project, although it's been going on for quite a while. How long has the project dragged on for? Oh, this is the second in a series. I've gone from being in extremely high demand to actually being removed from one task and almost removed from another so far because I'm just not moving fast enough. I'm just continually slowing down like a runner toward the end of a race.

So if you So, you need to know, see, two things are coming to my mind right now. One is that, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it @amazon.com hmm, the selfish path to romance that is interesting.

I'm just continually slowing down like a runner toward the end of a race. So if you So, you need to know, see, two things are coming to my mind right now. One is that you definitely want that vacation so badly that if you took that vacation, you would recharge your batteries, and you would come up to speed again, maybe even faster, although it sounds like you were at a fast pace anyway, you know, a reasonable speed. So that could be one component of it. When you're looking at psychological factors that could contribute to that self-sabotaging field, there could be many of those factors you want to get the central ones that are driving it. So one of them could be just wanting that vacation. Another part could be that you're on overload, mental overload, and the project is way too big and it just feels daunting, in which case, what you would already know you're a professional. What would you do when you have too much to do?

Break it down into small pieces that I know I can do, and try to target about a one to two-day level, right? Or you can even target a two-hour level because sometimes you just need to jumpstart yourself. And you know, if I tell myself, I'll spend two hours cleaning, oh, say, a garage. Guess what I end or 10 minutes cleaning a garage? Guess what I end up spending several hours? Yes, several hours. Because you get motivated once you get into the project, if you feel that it's going nowhere, that you'll devote a lot of time and it goes nowhere, is that a piece of it that they won't use it, then you need to get the facts. Is it that I would be putting in a lot of effort and not gaining from it in the long run? Because then it feels like you're spinning your wheels, or you can't get your mind pumped up to do something like that. If you have other uses that you could use the material for, if the first one doesn't work out, if the first then that may help.

That's exactly true in this case too. Then you then that may help you with the motivation you want to ask yourself, what you love about this project or like about it, what's enjoyable about it? Because if you try to motivate yourself the way your parents might have when you were a kid, by duty, you got to do it, and I have to do it. The gut is the half to the shoulds. The ought to is the need to. You need to. You want to get rid of that language and put the word I just use. Want in I want to do this project. What in it? If it's a dream career, what gives it the adjective dream?

Okay, I understand. So you want to focus on what are the values to you, and you could write those down for yourself. So I've given you some skills you definitely want the skill of introspecting, to see what's got, learning how to read your own mind, what images, what thoughts are passing through your mind, and then put them down on paper and deal with each thought separately the way we were just doing, and that will help you resolve it. Mike, okay, does that sound helpful?

I think it does okay. I wish we had more time. I want to thank you so much for more Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this Ned.

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance, the serious romance guidebook by doctors Kenner and Locke. Sometimes partners feel that one or the other is being unfair, but often neither is intentionally trying to provoke or take advantage of the other. For example, Doug feels that Marcy is being unfair when she leaves clothes and boxes scattered all over the house. Doug is neat and organized, and due to his sense of order, he thinks she should just know better. He feels put upon as he picks up after her. Marcy has no idea that such behavior bothers him and resents that he is irritably intruding on her method of unpacking such perceived unfairness can be resolved with better communication. Partners should not keep an accounting ledger to make sure there's fairness; that's far too mechanical. Good will and a sense of fair awareness will often do the job.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com and you can buy the book @amazon.com.

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Many romantic partners have complaints like, I live in the shadow of my husband's life, or I feel invisible to my girlfriend. These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or selfishromance.com.

I'm exhausted. I can't believe how much I've been running around today. I can't wait to get home and relax in a nice warm tub. I'll ask Bob to help Billy with tonight's homework. I'm exhausted. This has been one hectic day. I can't wait to get home and relax in a warm tub. I'll ask Jane to help Billy with tonight's homework.

How can you resolve family fighting, anxiety, job stress, or perhaps an unromantic relationship? Drkenner.com is the place to discover the rational way to achieve your happiness. That's D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com. Drkenner.com is a free internet website where you can read answers to your questions, psychology in the news articles and book reviews. Dr. Ellen Kenner is a clinical psychologist, and at Drkenner.com, you can email her a question on any problem you're dealing with. That's D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com, and remember to tune in to Dr. Kenner's show every week.