The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Welcome, Tony. Tony, you're having some difficulty with fear of speaking up in social situations. What's going on?

It seems like in situations where I'm asked to speak in front of groups, or in a classroom where I have to state my name or share information about myself, I get really nervous. In those situations, and also in group gatherings, like social gatherings, if I'm out with friends, I feel anxious and nervous to the point where I even have panic attacks. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve actually fainted, which is really embarrassing, so I try to avoid situations like that. It's really affected my life, and I want to get a hold of it.

Yes, it’s effective but you don’t know how.

Yes, that’s another thing. Where I used to work, just knowing what to expect would make me avoid going in that day, just to avoid those situations. It really has affected my work, and it’s embarrassing.

Are you married?

Yes, I am. I have four kids.

How does it affect your relationship with your wife and kids?

I’ve pretty much kept it to myself. They don’t really know about it. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to tell them because I don’t want them to worry, so I keep it in. I know I need to talk to someone about it, but I don’t want my kids or my wife to see it, so I hide it.

That’s a common strategy when people fear public speaking. I know I've been mortified at family events when a relative puts a microphone in front of me and asks me to say a few words. You feel unprepared, like you’ll make a fool of yourself, and you’re annoyed at being put on the spot. Or if I’m in a group and they say, "We’re going to go around the room, smile, tell us your name and a little bit about yourself."

That’s very frightening. Even hearing you say it right now, my heart starts racing.

Isn’t that fascinating?

Yes, but it's so frustrating because I can’t control it.

You don’t know how to control it yet. Reframing is a cognitive therapy skill—it means thinking of things differently. Tell yourself, “I don’t have the skills yet, but that’s why I’m calling.” Most people’s strategy for avoiding fear is to avoid the situation altogether. I used to avoid dogs and cats when I was afraid of them, and you avoid situations where you might have to speak up. But avoidance prevents you from learning that situations and people can be friendly. One of the skills, though not necessarily the first one you’d use, is called "avoid avoidance"—not letting fear control you by avoiding it. But I want to explore what’s happening when you’re asked, "Tony, tell us your name and a little about yourself." Can you share what goes through your mind?

The first thing that happens is my heart starts racing. I feel cold, really nervous, like I don’t even want to stand up and say anything. If I do speak, it comes out nervous and shaky. Recently, I started school, and on the first day, I had to stand up and say my name. I managed to fight through it, but sometimes I can’t.

When you do manage, capture those moments because your mind needs to know that you can do it. We want to learn from the tougher moments, too. I’ll explain a bit about the nervous system. Have you ever had someone come up to you and say, "Boo!"? What happens? Your heart races. If you’re about to cross the street and a truck comes at you, you react. That’s your autonomic nervous system’s sympathetic branch activating. You’re not actually facing a truck, but some part of your mind perceives it that way. When you get up to speak, a thought like "Oh my God, what if I make a fool of myself?" triggers cortisol and adrenaline, giving you all those symptoms. Does that sound familiar?

Yes.

So when you have those thoughts, you release cortisol and adrenaline, which causes the symptoms. Here’s what you can do: remind yourself that nothing bad will happen. Most people think they’re going to lose control, embarrass themselves, or even have a heart attack, but that’s just extra adrenaline talking. I recommend reading When Panic Attacks by Dr. David Burns. If you can hold on, I'll talk with you during the break, but cognitive therapy is definitely something you might want to pursue. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner, on the Rational Basis of Happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, renowned for his goal-setting theories:

Of the many financial issues that can cause conflict in relationships, a major one is dishonesty. Lack of honesty regarding money is a frequent complaint among romantic partners. Lying about money is as inappropriate as lying about sex or any other part of a relationship. Assuming both partners are of good character, discussing and agreeing on how to handle significant money issues builds trust and mutual respect.

You can download chapter one for free by visiting DrKenner.com. You can also buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.