The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. This is a call from someone who's been dating a woman for about six to eight months. And see what you think this person wants to know why she what to do about the relationship. We'll leave it at that.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, my name is Mark, and I've got a problem. I've been with the same girl for six to eight months, and now we're having problems with her children because her children want her to wait for her ex-boyfriend, which is not the father of them, by the way, but he's not the father, and they want him to wait. They want her to wait for him because he's in prison. And the problem is that he's in prison for being a pedophile. Let's put it that way. So my question is, right now she's under so much stress, I mean complete stress that is killing her because her kid, it's actually not our kid she has. She has three children. Her oldest son is the one who wants her to wait for him to get out of prison, which is another two to three years, easily. And I find that silly, but she's very family-oriented, and she doesn't know what to do, and she wants me to sit and wait, and I'm not quite sure if I can do that, and I don't know if that's something I should do, or if I give it the benefit of the doubt. I don't know what to do. I've given her a week so far. She still calls me, tells me she loves me. The last couple of days, I told her not to call, she didn't, and it's still very hard, very hard to go through this. I'm 45 years old. She's 40, and I don't believe that her children, especially her son at 18 years old, should be telling her what she can and can't do because he doesn't approve of me dating her, which I find that fairly offensive, but it's either here or there. The other thing is, too, is after six months, oh, about eight months, we've been together, I still have not been invited around because she does not want to offend him, and I find that kind of insulting. I don't know if I should or not. So, you know, if you can email me back and let me know what I should be thinking about, what I should be thinking, I don't know. Tell me what you think about this.

Okay. What happens when an 18-year-old is running the show and telling mom she's got three kids? Mom, you cannot marry this guy. You cannot date this guy. I want you to be family-oriented and to wait till the pedophile, my buddy the pedophile, your old boyfriend, comes, not even my dad, but that he comes, gets out of jail, and that's in two to three years, and then we'll have a happy family. Mom, the three of us, you and the pedophile. Isn't this fun? Now this gives new meaning to family-oriented. She's very family-oriented. I think she is very family confused. I think she is very mentally confused. And if you're wanting to date this woman, I mean, you've been with her for six to eight months, she must have some good traits. If you're wanting to date her, you may have a huge relationship breaker here, and that's that she's totally irrational here. If you're a decent man, if you're not in jail, I'll assume you're a decent man of good character and liking some good traits in her and willing to take on her three kids, even though one is 18 years old. I know he's older and tough, and she doesn't have the courage to even let you come to the house. You've got to look carefully at her character, I would say, to cut your losses right away. You don't want to. You're going to have a pedophile in your life, even if he's in the periphery. Somehow she could dump you. You sit and wait for two to three years, and then this woman that you so-called love is going to say, "Oh, guess what? I really, my son really wants me to be with this pedophile. So he's out of jail now." And of course, we all know that pedophiles give up. You know, once they go to jail, they come back fixed, right? They'll never do it again. So it sounds like lunacy on all fronts. You need to judge her decision-making. You're marrying a woman or not marrying, you're dating a woman whose decision-making is going to affect every hour of your time together. And if her decision-making is such that she throws over the reins to an 18-year-old son, whether out of guilt or just submission, I don't know why, but the fact that she's doing that doesn't bode well for her. And I would say that her stress, yes, is very stressful to raise three kids, but I will guess that her stress is highly intensified by, hey, I

got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

And I would say that her stress, yes, is very stressful to raise three kids, but I will guess that her stress is highly intensified by herself, that it's self-made stress because she doesn't know how to stand up to her son and to call the shots in her own family and in her own life and to pursue her own goals. So I would not be a side dish in her life. I would move on and find yourself someone who has less baggage. But take a close look as to why you were attracted to her and why you stayed with her that long. And I think that she needs to suffer the consequences of her choice, making her decision to waver and to stay with the son, you know, to go with the son's decision, or to appease the son or please the son. That's not healthy. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. You're listening to the rational basis of happiness, and you can pick up the phone and call me right now. My number is toll-free: 1-877-DrKenner. That's toll-free: 1-877-D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R. I got a quick question. Someone emailed me a question: Is it immoral to be gay? You speak about morality and living a moral life? My resounding answer is absolutely not. It is totally a personal choice. And if you are gay and you're stealing or robbing, then that's immoral, but it's not the gayness, it's the stealing and robbing. If you're heterosexual and stealing and robbing and lying and cheating, then that's immoral, but it's not because you're heterosexual. So gay is a personal preference. It doesn't harm anyone else. If a woman falls in love with another woman, or if a man falls in love with another man, that happens. It's not the norm, and it's not something that we go around encouraging in our kids, but it is perfectly a legitimate option. And that's something that if you have more questions, you're free to call me about. Morality is judging a person on how they choose and what they think, and if they are damaging one another in a relationship, then that's bad. But if not, if it's a loving relationship, it's phenomenal.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner: Look, I'm sorry I cut you off like that before. I've just never gone in for that psychological mumbo jumbo. They show you a bunch of ink blots and ask you about your toilet habits. Oh, why does everything we do shrink, starting a crotch? Okay,

I didn't even guess where that was from. That is from Frasier. That's his dad, and he's speaking with Frasier. And yes, a lot of psychologists still use those ink blots, but fewer and fewer are doing it, and I had to train in ink blots. What an ink blot is. It's this piece of paper that put some ink on, and then he folded it in half, and it made a nondescript blob, just a blob. But then he would ask, "What do you see in this blob?" And a person will say, "Oh my gosh, I see a person on a motorcycle," or I see—and then on and on and on. And then there are tons of psychologists that have tried to come up to figure out, what is the meaning of that? What are they projecting onto this blob? There is no person on a motorcycle. There is no flower garden there, if another person sees a flower garden. So those are called projective tests. You project what's going on in your mind, or what you create out of that blob onto the test. And many times it can be interesting, but many times it's a bunch of nonsense. I remember sitting in a class once, and my professor was showing us these blocks, and he showed us one and said, "How many of you see a guy riding on a motorcycle, you know, backwards, like the rear end view?" And, you know, I raised my hand. A lot of people raised their hand. That's a real common answer, I suppose. And he goes, "Well, that means that you're gay." So I discovered something about myself. A lot of this is nonsense. A lot of the blocks are nonsense, and a lot of the interpretation of them are nonsense. Also, for more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke: Avoid choosing a romantic partner who tries to fake their self-esteem. One way they do so is by using defense mechanisms. Defensiveness has disastrous effects on romantic relationships. For example, Josh forgets his wife Sarah's birthday. She's very upset, but instead of apologizing and trying to make amends to her, Josh piles on excuse after excuse and then gets mad at her for, in quotes, "overreacting." This does not bode well for their relationship. If you are wrong or make an error, admit it. It may seem counterintuitive, but this will increase your self-esteem because you are fully acknowledging reality. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.