The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

"I'm sorry, just getting fed up with this nonsense. I'm getting names all the time. Even last week, twice, I forgot where I parked my car."

"Join the club, pal. You're getting older."

"Oh, well, of course, I'm getting older. We're all getting older. But I'm not that old."

Are you dealing with old age? There was an article in the Washington Post by Gene Weingarten, and it was titled "Below the Beltway: The Very Old College Try." Now, in college, Gene had this wonderfully sexy English professor, and he describes her in Chaucer’s words: "She was a fair maiden betrothed, not with flax in hair and body hot." How hot? When it rained, she sizzled. And in college in the 1970s, he tried to pick up his teacher. Imagine that. Can you picture yourself really having a crush on someone?

I remember I had a crush on a lifeguard when I was about—oh God, I was probably in middle school—and I had such a hot crush on Saul. Can you imagine me trying to pick him up? I mean, that would have been very humiliating. Fortunately, I kept that to myself, but this was one of Gene's most humiliating moments in his life, trying to pick up his English professor.

Well, now he's long married, and he's decided to check her out on the web. He's now around 53 years old, and he just has that memory. You know how those first loves just never go away? I would love to see Saul these days. You know, they’re very youthful, they’re very sexy images, and they do stay with us for life. So he went on the web, and he looked for her picture, and he found it. He just sat there, thoroughly enjoying it. Then his wife came by and said, "Honey, who's that sweet little old lady?"

Now, that's a shock. That's a wake-up call. She looked more like Granny Clampett, and it’s one of those moments when he realized his age. He also realized it when he was on a plane. He had the middle seat open between him and the other person sitting. He was sitting on the aisle, and the other person was sitting at the window. A spectacularly attractive young woman was walking down the aisle toward him, looking for a seat.

"Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

A spectacularly attractive young woman was walking down the aisle toward him, looking for a seat, and to his dismay, he was hoping that she would sit elsewhere because legroom was much more important to him than sexy legs. He recalled the joke of the elderly man who found a magic frog by the side of the road. The frog said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man just stuck the frog in his pocket and kept walking.

"Didn’t you hear what I said?" the frog croaked.

"I heard you," the old man said, "but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog."

And that rings so true for many of us. But there are exceptions, and you may be one of them. I know my husband would always want the sexy woman sitting next to him, and I love that in him.

So what happens, though, with sex and romance and intimacy that takes that charge, that zest, that pleasure out of it and makes it dull and boring? Really, the talking frog is preferable—the talking husband or the talking wife is preferable to the sexy husband or the sexy wife.

I recently went to a conference on romance and intimacy, and one of the speakers said, "You know, I hate these books that come out and tell you you can have passion later on in life or even in middle age, because it’s all bogus, and they just build up people’s expectations. And that isn’t the way life works."

I just sat there and thought, "Well, this is fascinating." This is at a Love, Sex, and Intimacy Conference, and I know that’s not true. I know it’s true for many people, but it doesn’t have to be.

So do you have to lose your sexiness with age? Does it have to go on your to-do list? "Oh my God, I’ve got to please my husband. Let’s get this darn thing over with. Let’s make it fast." You know, many people go through life like that, and you don’t want to have that happen to you. That means that you’ve given up the value of romance and sensuality.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here’s a question I received from Katrina. "Dear Dr. Kenner, I need help keeping my mouth shut. I voice my emotions to my boyfriend, and 90% of the time, we end up arguing because I don’t think before I speak."

"Oh, that’s pretty cool. You’re aware of what you do, Katrina. I am very sensitive, and he is the opposite. I am affectionate and passionate, and he is the opposite."

So think of what pictures come to your mind. Or if you’ve dated a lot, think of the ones where you’re just so emotional and the other person’s very quiet, very timid, very shy, or just very reserved. Or maybe you swap places. Maybe you’re the one that’s very quiet and reserved, and you’re with a partner who’s all over you, laying on the kisses, passionate, and—oh, enough already.

So Katrina continues, "Please help me with the first step to get on the right track to have a strong relationship with the love of my life, Katrina."

So, Katrina, I’m puzzled. How can this guy be the love of your life if you’re with a guy who, in your own words, is not passionate, he’s not affectionate, he’s not sensitive, and he’s emotionally closed off. He’s just not there.

So maybe getting on the right track for yourself is not going with the infatuation but rethinking what character traits—let’s say his name is Joe—what character traits in Joe do I love? Is he bright? Is he ambitious? Is he intelligent? Well, you can have some wonderful, wonderful character traits, but if you don’t have the emotional vibrancy, it’s very hard to have a really good relationship. I mean, you can have two very quiet, sedate people, but they lose out on a range of the richness of life.

So you sound very alive. He does sound emotionally dull or dead. For example, if you go to a movie, you’d say, "I love that. That was such a fabulous movie." Or, "I went to the museum. Oh, wasn’t that trash? They just did the splashes on canvas." And you know that’s being alive. If he just said, "It’s okay. It’s okay." It’s very painful. You want to have that reciprocity; you want to have those emotions coming back at you.

But there are two mistakes to make. One is the one that your boyfriend may be making—to freeze them, to repress his values, to have a little titter rather than a belly laugh when he really feels that. And the other problem is—

"Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

There are two mistakes to make. One is the one that your boyfriend may be making—to freeze them, to repress his values, to have a little titter rather than a belly laugh when he really feels that. And the other problem is to vomit emotions, to only emote, to have no self-monitor on. You don’t have any thought, and you just say whatever you feel, "Oh, I wish I could screw her." You don’t want to do that to yourself either. You do want to have some self-monitoring.

So the goal is that you never repress your emotions, and you ask yourself, "What am I feeling and why?" You learn how to introspect, "What’s going through my mind right now? What do I want to share?" But you don’t turn off your zest for life ever.

So you can ask your boyfriend what he is passionate about. See if he’ll come out of his shell.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Bad manners and habits are a turn-off. Correcting them should not be a sacrifice because a rational person wouldn’t value them. When repeated often enough, the message is "I don’t value you." Correcting them will make you a more lovable partner and a better person. Such corrections are a sign of respect and of genuinely valuing one another.

If some bad habit bothers you, such as clothes left scattered all over the floor or chewing with the mouth open, be sure to speak up in a benevolent way. Breaking bad habits is often difficult because they are actions you take automatically, without conscious planning or reflection. To break them, become more aware of them and learn to catch yourself before acting.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.