The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Can I get a double pizza burger, chili fries with cheese, and a large chocolate milkshake? I don’t know. No matter what I eat, my weight just seems to stay the same. So, figure what the hell—I’m gonna eat what I want. Okay? How many people say that to themselves? You know, I try to lose weight. I eat my salads, and they don’t mention that they eat the bread that comes with the salad, and they have butter on the bread, and they put lots of salad dressing on, and then they congratulate themselves for having eaten a salad for lunch. So, they have a nice piece of chocolate cake, which they don’t count—the types of mental tricks you play with yourself if you’re trying to lose weight. And then you just shake your hands and say, “Well, I guess it’s just me. I can’t lose weight because I tried.” And it’s not that you can’t lose weight in many cases, it’s just that you don’t have the right methods. What you want to do is identify what are called permission-giving beliefs. And those are the things that you say to yourself that self-sabotage. For example, “Well, whatever I eat, I still stay the same weight, so what the heck? I’ll eat whatever I want.” That’s called a permission-giving belief because it allows you to eat whatever you want.

Basically, the problem this person’s having—this isn’t Shallow Hal—but if I were to work with a person that comes in like this, I would say they basically have a motivation problem. They need to look at their goal. What is their goal? Why do they want to lose weight? What would they look like 30 pounds thinner, or 50 pounds thinner, or, in some cases, 150 pounds thinner? Can they imagine themselves? How badly do they want that? If they say “100%” and they are psyched and motivated, then they are closer to reaching what’s called commitment, when you’re committed to your goal, and you’re moving forward and it doesn’t feel like a daily struggle anymore.

Now, see what you think about this situation, dear. Dr. Kenner, my husband, John, and I have been married for four years now—a second marriage for both of us. He has five kids, and I have two of my own. I don’t know what’s happened to my 19-year-old. So, she’s got two kids. One of them is 19 years old. His name is Andy. Suddenly, he tells me that I should have thought about my two kids before remarrying. I did think of my kids, but I wanted to be happy also. My son wonders why I stayed married to John with the way he speaks to me. At times I wonder too, because my husband can say some hateful things. He is sick a lot too. My son is full of rage and he wants to talk about it. I told him he needs to get professional help. He told me that when my husband returns from being on the road, he will drop-kick him and punch him in the face and not even worry about going to jail. What’s wrong with my son? What should I do? —Melinda.

Melinda, when I first heard you speaking about your marriage and wanting to get remarried—and you have a right to be happily married too, and you did think about your kids—I had a lot of empathy for you. But as you continued talking, they started to get a picture or an image of what John is like, this man you married—a guy who does say hateful things to you, and it’s driving your son crazy. And maybe he’s not too good for the kids. Maybe—I don’t know how old your other child is—but maybe he isn’t good. And he’s sick a lot, and he’s on the road, and I’m wondering what you’ve bought into. So, sometimes kids have eyes for parents, and they can exaggerate it just to get your attention. Notice you’re not even wanting to listen to your son. You’re wanting him to get professional help. You’re saying, “How many kids, when they’re troubled, want to talk about things?” Normally, they bottle up, and the parents are saying, “Oh, if only my daughter would tell me what’s on her mind,” or “If only my son would speak to me.” And here your son’s saying he wants to speak to you. He wants to talk about his rage—why he’s so angry with John, your husband, his stepdad—and you’re telling him, hey, you’re brushing him away: “Go get some professional help.” I would embrace that instead. You know, I may be wrong. John may be a very nice man, and he rarely loses it, but when he does—maybe once every year—he says he drops an F-bomb or something, and, you know, it drives your son crazy. Maybe your son is very unrealistic here, but it could be that your son is right on the money, that he has eyes for you, and he’s trying to shake you and wake you up. And by saying he wants to drop-kick him and punch him, it’s more that he wants to shake you up and say, “Take a closer look, Mom. Don’t close your eyes. Don’t evade. Don’t pretend that nothing’s going on when there’s a huge elephant in the middle of the room, and it’s John.”

So, what you can—what I suggest that you do is sit down first and on paper, name all the benefits of being married to John, and then look at the quality of those benefits. If it’s because you need safety and security and you don’t want to shovel your own walk in the winter or something, then those aren’t reasons to stay with a man who could be an abusive man, verbally or physically. If it’s significant things—if he has a wonderful character, he’s got integrity, he’s ambitious, he’s got a good job, he’s very good to my kids, including John—then you made a good decision, but then you need to deal with John. Then, write down all the disadvantages of being married to John. What are they? You can shred these papers so John never finds them, but put them on paper so that you can get some clarity into what decisions you want to make. If you find yourself, as you’re listening to me, resisting doing this, that’s a problem. Why would you not want to evaluate the man you married? And then, in terms of your son, I would get some counseling with him. I would have some mother-son sessions where you allow him to vent, but it gives you the safety of being—both of you—the safety of being with the counselor so things won’t get out of hand. So, I hope that helps.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Earlier today, I was reading an article. It’s an older article about the placebo effect. And, you know, my mother had a knee operation, and she said to herself, “You know, I’ve got a long way to go to recover. I’ve got a long way to go to recover.” Well, what does that do to her psychologically? Does that help her move forward? What if she said to herself, “You know, I’ve come a long way already,” which she has. She was in excruciating pain right after the knee operation, and now she’s able to walk. She said, “You know, I wasn’t supposed to, but I walked without my walker yesterday.” She had a darling little nurse that kept saying to her every time my mother would say, “Well, I still have a long way to go,” and she’d go, “I don’t want to hear that anymore. I want to hear that you’re getting better, and you’ve come a long way.” And my mother would say, “Yes, yes, you’re right.” And then she’d go right back to saying, “I’ve got a long way to go.”

So, in this article that I mentioned, this is, in fact, you can think the pain away. This study shows the physical placebo. To talk about the placebo effect, what we tell ourselves can activate—or they’re beginning to show that it can activate—an endogenous opioid system in your brain, and that can release some painkillers. So it’s not just all in your head. It’s actually your thoughts affecting a neurochemical system in your body that’s releasing some endogenous—meaning you produce it yourself—some endogenous chemicals that are pain reducers. And so, you do want to think on the bright side of things. So, the glass half-full.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

Too many individuals settle for less than they want because they are desperate to have a relationship or a spouse, then spend years or decades regretting their decision. Take the time to discover what you long for in a partner. On the other side of this coin, do not hold unreasonable standards, requiring your partner to be exactly what you want in every last detail. Decide what’s most important, and then decide if you’re willing to make allowances for the smaller things. Avoid spending years pining for what you cannot get. If your dream partner is brilliant, highly educated, incredibly attractive, and a high-level professional, and you are none of these things, find a more suitable match. Never wish for something you can’t have; it will only make you miserable.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.