The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

This is one guy who did something very nice for himself. He took six months off to make his life better. However, he finds himself sitting on the couch and eating cake, even though he's defined his goals—what he wants to do. So how do you deal with procrastination?

Hi, Dr. Kenner, my name is Ed. I just got the opportunity to spend six months without working, and I've given myself three goals for that time. One is to attend school full time, next is to finish a draft of a novel, and then to identify the new type of work that I would like to do after this. I'm in a field that I really don't like, and I want to change that. My leisure time I'll spend exercising, exploring New York City, and my problem is this: I've done this at a big financial trade-off. Got a cheaper apartment. I'm using public transportation now. I won't be eating out anytime soon, and I'm not working out in the Wall Street gym anymore; I'm going down to the local college. And when it comes to identifying my new career, I'd like to know that with all this time off—six months, as I mentioned—how do I stay self-motivated and not just sit on the couch eating cake?

Okay, Ed, the first thing you want to recognize is that when you say, "I took time off," time off to me sounds like relaxation, leisure, going to the gym, going to New York City, you know, looking around New York City. And so sometimes we give our minds—it’s like double booking. We tell our minds, "Listen, you've taken this time off, so just relax, chill out, enjoy. You'll have plenty of time. You've got six full months, so you can take the first month off, you can take the second month off, you can take the third month off, the fourth month off," and all of a sudden, the sixth month—the last month—is there. And you say, "Wait a minute, I haven't achieved any of my goals." So you have to avoid all of those thoughts in your mind that are along the lines of, you know, "I deserve a break, glad to be away from the job I don't like, and I'll be finding a new job sometime soon." Those thoughts don't give you any clear guidance. You need to get much more specific.

The other thing you want to do is not look at the goals that you set, which will increase your happiness, as duties. If you see those as duties, not as happiness-related activities, not as valuing, not as fun and enjoying life and feeling energized about it, then that will sap your energy, and you'll want to sit on the couch. So here's what I recommend.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw... here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Then that will sap your energy, and you'll want to sit on the couch. So here's what I recommend: think of each day as your own day, and think of getting to the end of each day and feeling like you've put your mark on it. You've done something to make you feel fulfilled, to make you feel happy. And then take your goals and make them specific. In trying to change any behavior, you first think about it, and you see the problem. You feel stuck, and you don't know how to make progress. And then you need to make a plan. A plan has to be very specific, and you need to monitor your emotions. Am I on board with this plan or not? Because if you're not, you'll self-sabotage. Then you need to move into action. And then, of course, you need to maintain your action.

So when you're thinking of the goals, you've got three goals. You're in school full-time. If you're in school full-time, well, you've already got a structure to your life. If you're fitting the gym in around that, that's wonderful. If you're working on a draft for a novel, you want to set some time aside. Some people wake up very early. Writers that I know will wake up very early, like at the crack of dawn, and put aside two quiet hours peacefully to themselves to do their writing. Now, that takes discipline, and it takes building a habit. But once you build a habit, it's yours, and it doesn't feel—it feels effortless after you build it. It's effortful to build any habit.

Next, if you're trying to look at what career you would like, there are many books on the market. There's a book that's on my website, How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life. You want to figure out what specific careers are candidates for you. You probably already know that. Then every day, give yourself the assignment that my husband gave me when I was going to grad school. He gave me the question, "What have you done today to get into grad school?" Now, he wasn't a nag; it was a wonderful guiding question. So if you ask yourself every day, "What have I done today to see what career field I would like to be in?" get specific and figure out specific things that will help you in the career.

So, in terms of the wasted time—if sitting on the couch and eating cake, if you tend to sit on the couch a lot when you come home—break that habit today. You can sell your couch. You're not going to sell your couch. Or you can put the couch in a place that is not comfortable. You can turn off the TV. We didn't have a TV when my kids were young. Actually, we had one that was broken. It was very staticky. We didn't have an antenna on our home. And so my kids became phenomenal readers, and I love that. You can just figure out with email, if that's a time killer for you, decide to answer everyone's email with only three lines, no more than three lines. You don't go into a song and dance, and you'll save a lot of time.

But find a place that’s very conducive to studying, to writing—if you're a writer—or for writing a draft of a novel, and find a place that’s very conducive to working on your career goals, too. I couldn't study at the Science Library; it was very boring. I needed a bustling place. I needed to hear a lot of noise to keep my circuits, mental circuits, activated. So, hope that helps.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Can I get two couches in my office? Because if I had friends come over, I want them to feel comfortable. One office... Frank was nice enough to give me some sort of creative executive position.

You gave him the job that I wanted. I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now. When I started here, I was promised advancement opportunities, and breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptable.

Okay, that may sound familiar. You may have been in that situation sometime in your own life. That's from Anger Management. And the point here is that when you feel that anger, you just want to act. I mean, anger is a motivating emotion. You just want to strike out, throw something, hit somebody, break something. It’s so powerful, and it’s really hard to tell your own mind at that time, "Honey, calm down." If anybody else tells you to calm down, what do we typically do? We escalate. We make it a whole lot worse.

So, you need a policy of how to deal with your own anger in advance, and you need to buy yourself some time, because when you're angry, when that anger wells up instantaneously, you don't necessarily have the clarity or the long-range vision that you need. You need to be able to think long range. What's going to happen if I break this Ming vase of my mother's? You need to be able to just capture your thoughts and look at alternatives. You don't have the wider context. Are there any—well, are there any other considerations that I need to know about? Maybe I'm being promoted to a better position than this one.

So, you need to get more data. So it's good to say, "I'm feeling really upset right now." You can say it really angrily. "I am really upset right now. I need to take a break and think about this," or "I need some time to think about this." That's all you need. You can vent that little bit of anger. Or, "I'm feeling a lot of anger right now," or "I'm feeling furious, and I'm going to take off a half hour, take a walk, and think about this." That half hour buys you the time that you need to sort things out.

So, that's one way to manage anger. A lot of people go to anger management classes, and really, what you need is to come up with a policy like that, to be able to maneuver through your own life without being a bull in a china shop.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Positive habits such as courteous manners and being considerate make a relationship run smoothly. Other positive habits include voluntarily helping out around the house, leaving love notes and cards to surprise your partner, frequently exchanging hugs and kisses, and dressing nicely, even around the house. By making it a goal, you and your partner can acquire such habits, even if lacking them initially. Time management is frequently a source of tension. Is one partner habitually late even when being on time is objectively important? This shows a lack of integrity. Or is one obsessed with time management and compulsively rushing through life and having no fun? This is a psychological problem.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.