The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

So here's one situation that Jess is in: married one year and three months. She tells it in telegraphic form: constantly broke, decided to monitor spending and create a strict budget. My husband admits he wastes money but has no explanation for it, or anything to show for it. Say he doesn’t have a car or a TV or some new gizmo, I don’t know, a new lawn mower, no purchased items whatsoever. It’s like he’s burning thousands of dollars every month, thousands every month. I've confronted him about it. He denies having any addictive habits or a lover, but I'm not convinced. How can I figure out what’s going on?

Jess, Jess, your husband absolutely has a hidden life. And what does he think you are—a jerk? Does he think that you don’t get this? There’s always a cause to a bunch of missing money. There’s always a cause to it. And so the question is, what is his hidden life? And in my mind, I draw a range of possibilities. And probably, as you’re listening, they came to your mind too. Is he on drugs? Is there any paraphernalia? Smell his clothes. Look in the pockets of his clothes. You’ve got to become a detective, or maybe even hire a detective. Look at his eyes, look at who he hangs with, so you can monitor that. You know, is it something to do with drugs? Is he involved somehow with some underworld?

The second point is the obvious: cheating. Is he dressing better? Is he losing weight? Is he going to the gym more? Is he out of the house more often, out of your hair more often? Is he not that interested in sex anymore? You know, what’s going on? Do you have some of the signs that he’s having an affair or that he’s maybe going to get lap dances routinely? Who knows? Is there something sexual going on? Well, how do you find out about that?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Do you have some of the signs that he’s having an affair or that he’s maybe going to get lap dances routinely? Who knows? Is there something sexual going on? Well, how do you find out about that? Well, you look at Visa slips. You try to get any phone records, cell phone records, borrow his cell phone, look at his history. Is this an invasion of privacy? You bet, but you have a search warrant at this point—he’s lying to you. If your husband weren’t lying to you, if he had earned your trust, then you can’t search. You can’t break in and enter and search. But once he has violated your trust and he’s trying to hide something, then you have a right to hire a detective or do the detective work yourself.

Another possibility is gambling. Gambling? Is he doing something online with poker? Well, if you don’t know how to check his history of where he’s been going on the internet, or maybe it’s sex on the internet, have a professional come in when he’s out of the house and look at it. You’ve got to crack the code, and you want to do it as soon as possible. Of course, the quickest way would be to look at him straight in the eye and say, "I know it’s not the truth. Tell me exactly where this money is going to. I want to know."

I try to always ask myself, is there some rational explanation for this? You know, is there something for which I would still stay married to a partner? Well, the one that came to my mind was maybe he has cancer, and maybe he didn’t want you to know and he’s going for special treatments and he’s paying for it out of pocket because you don’t have health insurance. So you always want to just be careful if there’s some long shot reason that, you know, he’s trying to conceal from you, but I will tell you that there is a really slim thread of a chance. There’s probably a 1% chance. So I would go for the obvious. You’ve only been married one year. Ask yourself questions: what do I know about him? Ask relatives questions to find out what he’s like, what his history is like. Not all couples share their history. You need to ask.

So tell me, tell me about some of his interesting moments growing up with him. Find out, do the research so that you’re not a victim of this. And separate your checking accounts. If you have a job and you earn money, you separate your bank accounts. Don’t pool everything with this going on because you may be looking forward to a divorce. If he’s lying, he’s not a good partner for life. So either he comes out in the open, deals with whatever he’s got—you still may decide you don’t want to stay with him—or you find out what it is. Eventually, things—every hidden secret—leaves a trace. So you’ll find out about whatever it is, whether it’s an affair or drugs or what’s going on, gambling, and you decide whether he’s worth staying with. But certainly, don’t have a baby at this point. If you’re only married one year, maybe you do have a child, but don’t have a second one at this point because your future is up in limbo.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

This is from Monica. I desperately need your advice. I’ve been supporting my husband, Tony, for the last six years. First, it was because we both agreed he would stay at home when our daughter, Missy, was born until she reached school age. Once she turned five, he decided to start a new career as a real estate agent, but he hasn’t made any money since—about a year ago, very little money—leaving me totally overwhelmed with paying all of our financial obligations alone. My two oldest are going to college, so the financial burden has become enormous. I tactfully gave him hints, and now even told him flat out that I can’t do this alone and he needs to get a regular job. He insists his career will turn around, and in the meantime, this has forced me to get a second job in order to pay the bills. I have even contemplated asking for a divorce because he doesn’t seem to get the message. It seems he would rather that I work two jobs and support the family alone than change his career. The sad part is, I really do love him, and other than this problem, he’s a great father and husband. What should I do?

Tired of being man of the house, Monica, had you not said that you love him and that he’s a great father and husband, your choice would be obvious: he’s had a free ride too long, and it’s time to say sayonara. But it sounds like he’s a good guy and still a top value in your life. So notice resentments—the anger is showing up in your relationship. You are really angry with him. Things are not fair. And you mentioned that there may be some motivation behind his—excuse me—there may be some motivation behind his resistance to earning money. You’ve got two older boys. You said that they are your two older boys. Now, this may not be the case. It may be your joint older boys, but if they’re your two older boys, perhaps he doesn’t want to put them through college. Maybe he thinks it’s the biological father’s responsibility. If that’s the case, you need to talk openly about that. He’s also not a good role model for the kids. So if it were an adolescent kid who refused to work, you cut off his financial allowance. But in this case, it’s your hubby. So what you can ask him is: what other solutions he’s thought of. Let him know how serious it is—no more hinting. You can say, "Tony, I think you’re a wonderful dad, and you’re good to me in so many ways. I want to make the work issue fair. I don’t feel heard. I feel resentful. I feel frustrated, and I feel robbed of my ability to enjoy Missy. I’m working all the time. I know you thought real estate would pan out, but it hasn’t, and it’s not fair for me to shoulder the burden when you can pick up a job, a stronger job. If you’d like, let’s work together so that within a month’s time, you have a solid job with reliable income, and I can quit my second job. I don’t plan to nag you. I don’t want to be put in the role of the critical parent with my own husband. This is in your hands. I want you to know it’s serious, and I have thought about divorce. So let’s work together because I love you dearly."

So you could try something like that, and maybe that will help. He’s doing something very nice for himself if he gets a job too, because that’s his identity, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s being taken care of by a woman. He doesn’t want to feel like the house husband for life, so it’s for his own self-respect, too, that he gets a job.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this. NAD: Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Most people are aware that men can become aroused, sometimes within seconds, by as little as seeing their partner walk through the door. Women, in contrast, take longer and require more of an emotional context. There are exceptions, but this holds true for most couples. This is not to say that men do not need a context for sex, but typically they can get in the mood much faster. How do you create that emotional context?

The first is to have a close, intimate relationship. But even this doesn’t mean that each of you will be in the mood all of the time or even at the same time. Your desire may vary depending on many factors: your age, health, medications, energy level, work demands, time pressure, personal mood, or time of day or month, or some specific event—for example, seeing a romantic movie.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.