The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

My question is about how I have these emotional reactions to things that I know aren't correct or moral. And I was wondering what the proper way of changing, I guess, your subconsciously held ideas, or what you have held all your life, I guess. For example, if I ever get into a conversation with someone that I've been friends with for a while, I won't necessarily think rationally. I'll just kind of act on impulse. I mean, I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I was just wondering what your opinion is on trying to change subconsciously held ideas in a healthy way.

Okay, how do you change consciously held ideas in a healthy way? For example, you didn't give me a concrete example, but you hinted at one. It always helps to have something specific to work with, and that's true for yourself too if you're trying to change. So, let's say you have a friend that comes to visit, and it's a female friend that you know is not a soulmate, but you just act on impulse. You engage in what's called casual sex. You hook up for the night, and then the next morning, you’re left feeling like, "Oh, this isn’t me. I want to preserve this sort of specialness for a real romantic partner." And yes, you know, you can self-stimulate, or you can have casual sex, but it somehow leaves you with a weird feeling the next day, and she’s hooked on you—not just sexually, not just a hookup, but she seems to want more from you because that’s typically the case.

I had someone tell me once that they’ve never seen a case—this was a teen, a young adult—where kids hook up for casual sex and it works out with neither person wanting more. But they just call it casual sex, and so there’s a lot of emotional hurt. How can you change a pattern like that so you don’t always engage in casual sex, or break the habit if you’re trying to preserve it for a genuine, true romantic relationship, rather than making sex just something like brushing your teeth in the morning? Well, you need to think long-range. You need to see the consequences the night after, the month after, the year after, so that in the moment of wanting that casual sex, you’re able to tell yourself, "No, I prefer to have…" and then offer yourself a better value: "I prefer to preserve this for the person that I truly love, and I haven’t found that person yet." So you need to think long-range and integrate. And I hope that helps.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner,

Yes, yes,

I'm gonna be an actor. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year. But, of course, my father wouldn't let me. For the first time in my whole life, I know what I want to do, and for the first time, I'm gonna do it. So my father wants the two are not COVID.

Of course, that’s from Dead Poets Society. Have you ever felt that? Have you ever felt the depth of that emotion of, "For the first time in my life, I know what I want to do, and I'm going to do it. This is my value, my life, my way," assuming it's rational, of course, but pursuing your own goals. He wants to be an actor, and of course, his dad doesn’t want that. How do you gain your independence? You need to be able to stand up for yourself, even against opposition. As long as you’re making rational decisions, you always want to be true to yourself. You don’t want to self-betray. And it’s not so much "seize the day, carpe diem," because you don’t want to just randomly go on your whim. This guy has thought about his values a lot, and he definitely wants to be an actor. So what I recommend is trying to hear the intensity in his voice, that passion—that "this is my life, my way"—and think about the four major areas in your life.

In romance, is it your life, your way? And of course, you need to coordinate that with a partner. It can’t be "you only," but it’s "your way," meaning the two of you as a couple style a wonderful, passionate, sexual, and exciting relationship. Is it your way in another area of life, in friends—your way? Is it your way in what we just talked about, career—he wants to be an actor. Is it your life, your way? Even if it isn’t temporarily your life, your way—if you’re in a mundane job that’s just enough to get you going so you can get to the real job in life—that’s okay. You’re still headed in the right direction. And also, in your hobbies, are you pursuing a hobby you love? Many kids are brought up having to take up a musical instrument that their parents like, not that they like, or having to engage in a sport that they may not like but the parents like. Can they have that attitude of, "This is my life, my way," and gracefully, tactfully, learn assertiveness skills so they can take the tentacles of their parents off of them and lead their own life? Or get their parents on board with them, which is even better.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

For romantic love to be successful and enduring, it is absolutely critical that each partner feel visible to one another. You should feel especially visible for what is most important to you, and ideally, you’ll want to feel visible as a whole person, not just for a few narrow traits. One important type of visibility is emotional visibility. Emotional visibility means understanding and empathizing with each other’s emotions. Another important type of visibility is philosophy of life visibility. Philosophy of life visibility means understanding and acknowledging your partner’s deepest values and sense of life.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.