The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner, my religion strongly believes in no sex before marriage. Having your virginity is vital. I play sports, and I think I tore my hymen. In my culture, that means that I've lost my virginity. I cannot afford that stigma. What can I do? I can't afford this humiliation. What opportunities will I have? And it's unsigned.

Look at what this religion is doing—an irrational moral code, which this religion is, causes so much unearned guilt, so much unnecessary pain. If you were living more rationally, you would never damn yourself for breaking your hymen during sports. In fact, if you found someone loving and you're a really responsible—let's say, 18-year-old, 19-year-old, 20-year-old, or even a 24-year-old or a 35-year-old—and you want to have a romantic relationship with that person before you're married, in a rational code, as long as you both take precautions, there’s no problem with that; it's not a guilt issue. In fact, it’s a source of tremendous reward—romantic reward. A romantic relationship is about seeing whether you're a good match for a lifetime.

Many religions set up irrational codes like this, and they always hit on sex. They make sex such a source of honor and guilt. Look at what they do to priests. It’s so criminal. I mean, priests do it to themselves, obviously, by choosing that, but to not be able to have a love affair—what happens if you, as a priest, see a wonderful, beautiful, sexy woman or someone whose character you admire, and you feel yourself getting aroused? What do you have to do with that if you're a priest? These religions need to be called into question. They're so irrational.

I would never condemn you for playing sports, but you have a major decision to make. You have to decide, whose life is it? Whose mind is it? Is it your life, your values, your happiness—hopefully pursued rationally; otherwise, you'll be unhappy—or do you have to turn that over to people who set up irrational rules, some religion that tells you to blindly obey? That means to totally suffocate your own mind and blindly obey. That’s what blind obedience is—throwing out your own independent judgment, your own values, your own goals.

I would say that you absolutely have a moral right to use your own mind, and you earn self-esteem by using it rationally with the goal not to sacrifice—which most religions and priests, I think, preach; all religions do that—but to achieve your own happiness, your own moral happiness. And that means your goals, your friends, your family (family that’s good to you), and your love relationship.

I would highly recommend one movie for you. I mentioned it last time: Bend It Like Beckham. It’s a just a great movie where one young girl has to decide whether to pursue her passions or go with her religion and her culture. She has to make the fundamental choice, again, to use her own mind or not. And I won’t tell you anything more.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

When a person does something irrational, thoughtless, or immoral in relation to a romantic partner and is asked, “Why did you do that?” a common answer is, “I don’t know.” Often, this really means, “I don’t want to know,” which implies “I don’t want to introspect, because I don’t want to face up to what I might find.” Such evasion not only puts you out of control of your actions, it undermines any romantic potential. If you don’t know why you act as you do and thus can’t trust yourself, how can any partner trust you? Introspection is essential for making yourself lovable. Be objective about yourself. Living in a subjective fantasy world or playing a role to gain the illusion of self-esteem is self-destructive and destroys romance. Acknowledging your flaws is the first step towards self-improvement.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.