The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here is a question I received from Megan:

"Dear Dr. Kenner, I have difficulties relating to irrational guilt. I haven't done anything especially bad. This is guilt for things like wanting good things, thinking for myself, and never disagreeing with anyone. I believe it is somewhat related to my upbringing. I've been like this for a long time, and I'm 30 years old now. If there's a way to stop it that I don't know about, I would love to hear about it. Thanks so much, Megan."

Well, Megan, I can tell you that there is a way to turn that around, and it's effortful and fun to lift off unearned guilt. So let's talk about guilt and unearned guilt.

One step on the way to eliminating what you're identifying as irrational guilt, which I call unearned guilt, is just being aware that there are two flavors of guilt. One flavor is guilt that you earned. You lied to someone. It might be just a little white lie, but still, you feel guilty. "Oh, your hair looks lovely." Oh, God, her hair was awful. Or you might have stolen from somebody. Maybe a kid steals from a parent, you know, goes into the purse, takes money, and feels guilty. Honey, that's earned guilt.

Maybe you lied at the movie theater to get in, saying that your kids were younger than they were because they look younger, and you feel a tinge of guilt. That's earned guilt. And there are, of course, a range of examples.

The other type of guilt is guilt where you did nothing wrong. It's unearned guilt, and you're calling it irrational guilt. It's guilt that you didn't earn. And it's so important to be able to tell the difference when you experience guilt. You know, is this earned or is this unearned guilt?

In therapy, I would do an exercise with my clients when they felt at home with me and comfortable, where I would tell them I am going to do a role play that I do all the time with people. And basically, I went into trying to induce guilt, making them feel guilty. At the beginning, there wasn't even any content. I would say something like, "I have never had a client do what you're doing." Pause. I'd say, "What are you feeling guilty about? Why? What did you do wrong?" They say, "I don't know." And I said, "That's... you need to identify that there's no content there, and yet you're feeling guilty. You need to be able to look at me and say something like, 'Ellen, what's your problem? You know? Why would you say that? Tell me what's bothering you, and then I'll decide how I evaluate that and you.'"

So that's just a quick example, but I would do a series of exercises that would help a person feel what honor and guilt felt like. It has a different emotional feeling than earned guilt, and you do want to be able to differentiate those.

So you already have that awareness, and you also are aware of the areas in which unearned guilt is attacking your life and happiness, and they're the big areas valuing wanting good things for yourself.

This is talking about your personal values. Values are both material—whether it's a new dress, a new car, a new home—or things like a job, a good job, a good college education, and spiritual, a good relationship, a good romantic relationship, self-esteem.

So wanting good things for yourself and thinking for yourself... Well, who else is going to think for you? You know, our parents guide us when we're young, but even when we're young, we go through the terrible twos, which is learning how to think for ourselves. We love that psychological independence, and you know that you feel guilty if you disagree with anyone.

So you could learn, "Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

"I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship."

"Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, the selfish path to romance, that is interesting."

And you know that you feel guilty if you disagree with anyone. So you could learn some assertiveness skills to learn how to speak your own mind in situations when you disagree. And it could be just, "I see that differently." You know, there are things that you can say to someone. You don't want to self-betray.

So most of us, including myself, during our childhood, were taught or absorbed from our parents, teachers, or our religious leaders that there's something very bad and selfish with wanting good things for ourselves and thinking for ourselves, and there's something good with obeying our parents or obeying our religious leaders and never disagreeing with anyone and never questioning them.

So it's hard to challenge those childhood messages. Many times we don't adopt them overtly; we just inadvertently adopt them. So it is not impossible to challenge them out. That's what cognitive therapy is so good at doing. And it's also a pleasure to learn the skills to do that.

So you don't want to be trapped in a no-win situation where you feel like if you're your own person, if you don't self-betray, then you're a morally bad person, and if you do self-betray, then you're a good person, but then you're not happy.

So how do you start to change? Well, you want to learn how to dismiss that unearned guilt that you've learned to identify with contempt or just with a laugh, like it doesn't matter. "I never had to take that seriously."

I recommend the books by Ayn Rand: The Virtue of Selfishness, and by that, she means self-esteem, not the mean, rotten person; and The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Those books are powerful, life-changing experiences.

And you can also read the book that I wrote with Dr. Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. The first chapter is free online. You can go to amazon.com or selfishromance.com, and we focus on how to value yourself in a chapter addressing altruism, self-sacrifice, how not to be a doormat in your own life, and instead how to cherish yourself.

And when you have a partner, obviously cherish your partner without either one of you having to self-betray. That's a win-win moral code, and I wish you the best with that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Just as with any important goal in life, don't be passive when searching for a partner. True, someone might just come along, but there's no guarantee of this. It's better to be proactive. Proactive doesn't mean desperate. Desperation will tempt you to move too fast, and disappointment is likely.

There are many ways to meet people: through friends and acquaintances, through work, through organizations you belong to, during singles activities, through professional dating or matchmaking services, or through personal ads in magazines, newspapers, or online. The Internet has proven to be a tremendous boon to people looking for romantic partners. It is replacing some conventional dating services.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.