The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com
This is a call from a woman who's afraid to deal with her fear, her fear of approaching other people.
My question is, how do you overcome fear when you want to do something, when you don't know how? Because you're struck by fear. You know, like to approach a person as far as regarding selling an item, a product, or some sort.
Okay, how do you deal with fears? I'm assuming that you're taking on a new job. Maybe you're selling Avon, or maybe it's just a new job, selling some product, insurance, I don't know what. So, number one, do you like the product? If you don't like the product, if you think it's a sham, you will feel fear every time you meet someone, and you should feel that fear. You need to value the product you're selling. So, sometimes you have to go back to square one and see what you're selling. But if you've chronically had this problem, and the product that you're selling or the thing that you're approaching people for is decent, then you want to look at your view of people. My grandfather could sell waste products to people. He could go door-to-door as a peddler and sell anything because he loved his life. He felt confident in himself, and he figured they'll tell him if they don't want it. And he was colorful, and he just had a view that people make their own decisions, and he's just offering them an opportunity. So, a view like that allows you to approach many people. If you have the view that your self-esteem rests on whether or not they buy the product, then you'll feel like a failure anytime they shun you. For example, a telemarketer is always getting hung up on—I hang up on them nightly. So, you've got to be able to not personalize that, not make that a self-esteem issue. I worked at Women and Infants in a maternity hospital. I had to go door-to-door to mothers who had just given birth and say, "Would you like to participate? Would you like your newborn to participate in a study at Brown University? We’ll be looking at your child’s reflexes." And so I had to ask mothers whether they wanted me to take their newborn away from them for a few minutes and do some testing. That wasn't easy. After a while, I realized that it's really their choice. They can say yes or no, and I just offered them an opportunity, and that helps. I hope that helps you out.
And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner: So last Halloween, I'm sitting at my computer doing what I do most of my life. I'm working, and I'm enjoying it. I've got the whole evening planned. And you know, I injured my foot last week. I went dancing. I had a great time, but I may have a stress fracture in my foot, so this is the little confounding variable here. I have to wear this, what I call a "club shoe." It’s a real gawky-looking shoe. You've probably seen people clumping around in it post-surgery. So, I'm sitting there planning to spend the whole evening at home, and my husband walks into my office. I turn around, and there he is, dressed as Batman. He's getting ready for the costume party, and he looks sexy. Now, that sounds odd. You know, your husband dresses as Batman. It should sound goofy, but my husband looks sexy, and I'm sitting there saying, "I'm sitting home all night. He's going dancing. He looks so hot. I'm going with him." So, I made a wonderful decision. I decided to go dancing with him, and we had a blast. It was a costume party at my dance studio. My son showed up dressed as whatever every mom would love to see their son dressed as—Dr. Seuss with the big tall hat—and my dance teacher, who is darling, she’s beautiful, she looks like Audrey Hepburn, unfortunately, dressed as a witch, and she did way too good of a job. At first, I said, "You look cute," until she turned around and looked at me, and she's got her teeth blackened out, and she's got this hideous nose on her. And I wanted to pull the nose off because she's such a beautiful person. And of course, at a costume party, what do you see? There were people, a woman dressed as Marilyn Monroe. There were country guys and gals. There was a Cinderella girl, a woman who must have just loved Cinderella as a kid and had the opportunity to dress as her for one evening. One woman wore this real sexy gown. And I said, "Where did you get that?" And she goes, "I made it." It was spidery, and I don't like spidery things, but this was real sexy. And then there was the problem of four Zorros. I mean, what do you do with four Zorros? Well, our dance teachers had fun. They got the four Zorros on the floor, and they had them duke it out to figure out who was the winner, the best Zorro.
So, think about your own life. Think about what fun you have in your life. And if you haven't had much fun lately, think about how to create that for yourself.
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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.
It’s not romantic, exciting, or fulfilling to be in a relationship with a dull partner, someone who has no strong interests or values and doesn't care to develop any. Such a person does not make life interesting. How can you feel romantically attracted to an empty, superficial person? And who would want to date or marry an unkempt, smelly person who lives in grimy sweats, rarely showers, and seldom brushes his teeth or combs his hair? Looks do matter when you fall in love. You don't fall in love with a disembodied spirit, but with a whole person, mind and body. And who wants a partner who nags, yells, sulks, or never listens to you? Good loving and good romance require good, positive communication.
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.