The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here is a question that I received from Tracy. Think back to your own teenage years, and did you ever feel that your emotions were all over the place? Maybe you still do. Many of us do. But how do you deal with that feeling as a teenager, and what conclusions could you draw that aren't so good, and how do you turn that around?

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I'm a teenager, and my emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I feel great and happy, and I sleep well. Other times I feel absolutely terrible about myself, about my body, and about my life, and I sleep poorly. I've come close to physically harming myself. For example, when I get really disgusted with myself, I try to vomit up food. I unsuccessfully am close to becoming anorexic, or if you're really vomiting, it might be bulimic, but hopefully, you won't go there. I have a lot of self-esteem issues. I never feel good enough for anyone. I'm in an on-and-off relationship, which powerfully affects my moods. Last night, I was crying my eyes out because of relationship problems. When my emotions are mixed, I get a randomly increased sex drive. I used to have anxiety attacks, worried that I would die in my sleep, but I no longer experience that. Can you help?

Tracy, all of what you're describing is common when anyone is in the dark about what emotions are and how their mind works. And as a teenager, I want to congratulate you for reaching out for more information because you are still very young. I mean, any of us can learn what emotions are and how the mind works. You're giving yourself a head start if you learn it now. So you can also give yourself credit because you did something right in overcoming the anxiety attacks, which means that you can change.

So let's first look at emotions. Now, what causes emotions for any of us to be all over the place? Well, a question we need to ask first is, what are emotions? Emotions are automatic responses. We don't sit there and say, "Well, I'm going to try really hard to be angry today." No, you wake up in the morning and you're saying, "I'm feeling angry," or you say, "I really want to be happy. I think I'll paste on that emotion." You know, it doesn't work that way. Emotions have causes, and the causes are what we think. And you might think, "But I'm not thinking anything. I just feel sad," or "I just feel angry," or "I just feel happy." Well, if you look a little closer and ask yourself, if your emotion could speak, what would it say? You will see that emotions are based on thoughts. They're based on our evaluations. Is something good for us or bad for us?

If we evaluate something as good for us, maybe my husband gives me a wonderful hug, or my kids call me, and I am in a good mood. I say, "Oh, that mood is because I have good relations with them. I like that." If I'm feeling in a bad mood, I want to ask myself, "What's up?" I may think, "Well, I just feel overloaded. My house looks a mess. I need to clean it," and I'm feeling anxious, and I'm feeling upset with myself that I didn't do this earlier. I didn't, you know, clean the basement or clean the kitchen earlier. There are causes. So those emotions are an automatic response.

So let's take it into your life. If you're having an interesting, fun day, and your boyfriend is hugging you and you choose to eat in a healthy manner, you might feel a little happier. Why? If you put your feelings into words like we're talking about, they might be along the lines of, "Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

If you put your feelings into words like we're talking about, they might be along the lines of, "Man, I'm capable of making good choices, and I'm worthy of having a good relationship with my boyfriend. I like me. I like him. I like my life." That's nice. That's an evaluation, a positive one. You are building self-esteem by making healthier choices, by eating better, and by taking care of yourself, and that's going to make you into a happier person.

Now let's look at the opposite. Let's say you make one poor choice after another, or any of us do that. How are we going to feel? Let's say you eat way more than you wanted to, and you feel self-disgusted, or you scream at your boyfriend because you don't know a better way to manage the situation. You feel angry and then later guilty. And let's assume that you come to the conclusion that you'll never be able to change, which is not true, but a lot of people falsely tell themselves that. Then that's going to take a toll on how you feel about yourself.

If you could translate those emotions into words, they might be along the lines of, "I'm never good enough. There's no hope. I'm a loser. I'm unlovable." And how are you going to sleep that night? Tracy, you're not going to sleep very well, and you might be tempted to punish yourself for your bad choices by what? By forcing, trying to force yourself to vomit or hurting yourself like you said. What is that going to do to you? You're going to look at those actions and lower your self-respect, and you're going to feel not good enough for anyone.

So what can you do to help yourself? Give yourself the gift of learning how to value yourself. You want to treat yourself gently and supportively the way you would treat a best friend, and in fact, that's called the best friend technique. Maybe you heard someone in your childhood, a parent, a relative, a sibling, or a bully that kept telling you you're not good enough, and you bought into it. Sometimes we carry those words with us through life. You want a skill to be able or many skills to be able to challenge that.

You want to learn what it takes to build self-esteem, and you can learn what causes emotions too—anger, frustration, sadness, or happiness. I recommend the book "Mind Over Mood," which is at my website, DrKenner.com.

You also mentioned that your sex drive kind of goes a little crazy at times when you're feeling not so good, and you want to understand what causes sex drive. Yes, you're a teenager, so part of it is just hormonal fluctuations, but sex is understandable. And you can get my book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, "The Selfish Path to Romance," how to love with passion and reason. You can look up the chapters on how to make yourself lovable, how to communicate better, how to have a good sex life.

You may be a little young for that yet. It's good to have a foundation to build upon, though, and getting information can help you avoid a lot of mistakes. So take the mystery out of any emotional roller coaster that you're on, and you want to give yourself a more enjoyable, happier you by working toward that end.

You can check out other books that I've written on DrKenner.com for more.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Sex, in the most cherished sense, is your physical expression of deep attraction to what you admire and love in the character of your soulmate. Unfortunately, for most couples, this vibrant sensual attraction fades with time. How can you avoid this fate and instead nurture your sensual attraction to your partner? One requirement is that you must grasp the deepest meaning of romantic intimacy and never lose your own desire for it. Romantic sex is a profound union of your body and your mind. You are a whole person, mind and body. Ideal romantic love is not separated from the physical or the mental.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.