The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here is a question I received from Megan. And I know a lot of us struggle with anxiety. And you know everybody has had moments of depression or moments of just feeling self-conscious so that their mind doesn't work. Well, listen to Megan's question.

Hello, Dr. Kenner, I would like your opinion on how to cope with what's been going on with me. For quite some time now, I have been having trouble with memory, concentration, and focusing. I constantly have thoughts and worries that I obsess about, and I have trouble focusing at work and concentrating on paying attention during a simple conversation. It affects my everyday life, and I fear it's getting worse. I can't even turn off my mind so that I can get a decent night's sleep. I feel on edge, depressed, fully anxious, and incredibly self-conscious. I hope that you have some helpful tips for me. Thank you in advance for your time, Megan.

Well, congratulations, Megan, because you were able to hold on to a thought, so much so that you were able to communicate well to me. The problem, the essence, the big thing that stands out in that problem is not the depression, is not the anxiety, but it's that you're incredibly self-conscious. Self-consciousness, if we go through life worried about what will my mother think? What will my friends think? Am I doing this right? What will this boyfriend think? What will my coworkers think? I wonder if I'm okay. If you throw that sort of a spotlight on yourself, a critical spotlight where you're always doubting your own mind, then you are going to feel very anxious throughout your life, and you're going to feel depressed because there are going to be losses all over the place. You're not going to experience work as joyfully. You're not going to experience friendships as enjoyably. If you have children, you won't experience them as enjoyably.

So the first thing that I would suggest is to try to learn how to value yourself. Your mind is yourself. I mean, there's more. You've also got arms and legs and a whole body, a full body, obviously, but the mind is the essence of yourself, your soul, your character, who you make yourself into. And you may have had a difficult childhood, or you may not have learned the skills of how to think, but they are skills you are capable of learning. When you say you have problems with memory, concentration, and focusing, well, anxiety blinds all of us. So it's not silly to go to a medical doctor and just rule out any problems to make sure you don't have a brain tumor, you don't have lesions, or something like that. But in the vast majority of cases, your doctor will give you a clean bill of health, and the main issue is just the way you're using your mind.

So, a couple of tips. You want to learn to value your own mind better, which means you need to learn thinking skills. Cognitive therapy teaches thinking skills, for example, how to decode your emotions. How did I know that depression meant you're feeling lost? How do I know that anxiety means that you're feeling uncertain, self-doubt about important things, your future? From thinking skills, I've learned these skills, and you want to give them to yourself too.

How do you get a decent night's sleep? Well, you learn something called sleep hygiene. Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Something called sleep hygiene. Instead of physical hygiene, like keeping yourself clean, you know, brushing your teeth and washing your hair and whatnot, this is sleep hygiene. How do you go to sleep? What do you do before you go to bed? Do you have a regular routine that gets you a little bit sleepy? Or do you have a few cups of caffeinated coffee or a Coca-Cola and just boggle, just start thinking about all of the negative things going on in your life, and then tell your subconscious, "Okay, honey, it's time to sleep." Your mind isn't going to go to sleep. You're too wound up in your focus. You're wrapping your mind around things that you obviously can't solve at night that you need to be able to solve in the morning.

So if you look up sleep hygiene, I've given you a few tips here about, you know, no caffeine and try to maybe do some light reading before you go to bed. But the main issue is the view of your own mind, and you don't want to predict a negative future. You've said to yourself, "It affects my everyday life, and I fear it's getting worse." You're predicting a negative future for yourself, Megan.

So you can learn. When you say you can't focus, well, you can learn listening skills too, paying attention. My guess is, as you listen to me, you're paying attention, Megan. So you want to reclaim your mind. It is your mind. And you want to, wherever the source of the critical judges are in your life, realize that it's okay to make mistakes. That's how we learn. And the more you are willing to make mistakes and not feel so critical of yourself, the more you're able to take some risks, make some good friendships, and not be hard on yourself at work. Everyone makes mistakes at work, and you learn how to get better at work and in everything in life.

So I hope that that gives you some new way of looking at your problem—not that you've got a defective brain, but that you can learn skills. And I want to recommend a book. There are books for sleep. There is a book, No More Sleepless Nights, a workbook that you can look up, or When Panic Attacks, by Dr. David Burns. There's a book called A Good Night's Sleep: The Harvard Medical School's Guide to a Good Night's Sleep, and that also is very helpful, giving you some tips that may help you get to sleep at night. Because, man, if you don't sleep, it's really hard to focus too, and your memory doesn't work as well.

So don't look at yourself as defective unless your doctor tells you that there's something medically wrong, which I doubt there is. But look at yourself as being at the beginning of a very exciting adventure of reclaiming your mind, learning some wonderful cognitive therapy, thinking skills, some active listening, some sleep hygiene, and reclaiming your mind and your happiness in your life.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. I'm a clinical psychologist. You can pick up the phone and call me now, toll-free: 1-877-DR-KENNER, that's toll-free: 1-877-DR-KENNER.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

If you are rejected by a partner you like, you can ask for honest feedback. Use your own judgment in evaluating the feedback. For example, if your ex-partner attacks a good quality, such as telling you that you are too intelligent, then you know what to do. Find a more intelligent partner. Anyone who is too insecure to appreciate your mind is not for you.

In contrast, if your ex-partner makes a valid criticism and points out that you are dishonest, unhealthily overweight, domineering, narcissistic, drink too much, or some other legitimate complaint, then acknowledge to yourself that you are less lovable than you could be and take steps to correct such problems.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.