The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness, and that means your happiness matters. That drop was from The Breakfast Club. You can pick up the phone and give me a call right now. My number is toll-free: 1-877-DrKenner, toll-free, 1-877-DrKenner, and you can ask me any question that you would ask a counselor or a therapist, and although it’s not personal therapy, it’s an opportunity to get some tips or some free advice that may just help you think about a situation you’re struggling with.

Six years ago, I was abducted by aliens...

And I want to welcome Laura to the phone. Laura, you have a question about a romantic relationship?

Yes, I wanted to know... I’m dating somebody, and I'm bipolar, and I have a subsequent post-disorder, okay, and I’m really having a hard time with this relationship because he feels that I'm putting him on a pedestal. We've only been going together for about two weeks, yeah, but I feel like this is like the man for me even, you know, he's got all the qualities I look for in a mate, and I feel that I've had several meltdowns in front of him, just, you know, "I don’t want you to leave me" and such. And I feel that, you know, I feel that I would not be able to find anybody else better than him because nobody else stuck with my, you know, with my emotional outbursts.

Okay, there's one person I wish wouldn’t put up with your emotional outbursts. Guess who it is?

Myself.

Yes, don’t take it as if it's a stamp on you for life that you're bipolar and OCD and you have to be that way for life. You don’t enjoy those moments when you feel inadequate, insecure. You try to overcompensate and try to put on a happy face. Nobody likes those moments. Nobody likes the moments when they’re OCD. What do you do with your OCD? Are you counting or praying or checking?

I think it may be normal. I feel the need to tell somebody like everything. Be honest with them, and especially this person, because he's in my life.

Okay, you know...

What is your... OCD is obsessive-compulsive disorder. What are you doing that’s obsessive? What are you obsessing about?

What would I observe?

Relationship.

Okay, I hear that. So when you say OCD, you're not germ-phobic, worried about germs. You're not checking or counting a million things?

I do. I do check. I am controlled with medicine. But I just... I feel like if I don’t tell them, I just feel really guilty.

Okay, the big lifetime gift you can give yourself is to get cognitive therapy. Have you tried therapy at all?

Cognitive Therapy?

A counselor?

Is it a cognitive therapy?

Cognitive therapists will teach you thinking skills that can help you deal with the bipolar in a way that you minimize it, or make it non-existent. You can learn, depending on your motivation. Some people don’t want to put in the effort for therapy, and then they suffer their whole lives, tragically because, man, the effort pays off in self-esteem, and you can’t get any better than that. If you put forth the effort to understand yourself, to introspect, to see what’s driving you, you're going to like yourself better. And if you have a better relationship with yourself, you’re going to be a much better partner for this guy or for any other guy, and he may be putting up with your breakdowns right now, but you tell me that isn’t going to wear on him in a short while.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

You tell me that isn’t going to wear on him in a short while.

Yeah, and it’s wearing on you. So you did say something at the outset, Laura, you said that... I just... the word you used was a four-letter word. I just feel he’s the right man for me. You said that earlier on.

He has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a man, and I guess I've said to him several times about him realizing it, that "You’re perfect," and he doesn’t want to be put on a pedestal, and that’s not how I’m trying to make him feel. But any of the qualities I look for... before he’s, you know, he’s been able to soothe me... not been able to soothe me. You know, it's okay, you know, it's, you know...

He’s nurturing.

Okay, he’s nurturing. And again, people can be caretakers. I know when my husband... my husband’s had multiple operations, and at the beginning of an operation, guess how nurturing and caring I am? Not at all? Enormously at the beginning. But day 12, when I need to get him his crutches, guess how caring and nurturing I feel inside.

You polish that up. It starts... you start to burn out. Anyone who’s a caretaker for a long time starts to burn out, and you’ve probably seen that with friendships in your own life if you’ve had the bipolar and the obsessive-compulsive disorder. So the gift to yourself is absolutely cognitive therapy. With a good cognitive therapist, find someone that you connect with. You can always go to my website, DrKenner.com, and find the link to the cognitive therapy website, and put in your zip code, and you can find a therapist all over the country, a cognitive therapist. Okay, so that would be... that’s the treatment of choice. In fact, there’s one cognitive therapist, Corey Newman, who specializes in bipolar, and he is absolutely phenomenal. Now, he may not be in your neck of the woods, but you could certainly gain a lot of knowledge to treat yourself. But I want to go back to the point on feelings, Laura. Feelings are not necessarily based on facts. You’ve probably heard people say, "I just feel like I'm going to win the lottery. I just feel it." What... I wish I could see you now. What are the chances of them winning?

Not very likely, almost zero, right? So feeling... it’s good to be positive, but that’s irrational. Positive is not good. And it sounds like you have a little bit of a desperate feel... "I don’t want him to leave me," which means that sometimes we put people on a pedestal. When we want to hold on to them, we try to make them feel so good about themselves and they're so special, and give them that visibility when we’re really not fact-checking. And he may feel uncomfortable, because let’s say that I said that you are the perfect person, Laura. What goes through your mind?

I’m not perfect.

Exactly. Do you know that goes through everyone’s mind, or almost everyone, unless they're narcissistic?

Maybe to that person that I am, but I know that if... you know, right, if someone like God is perfect, you know...

Well, I don’t have a God in my life. I’m totally pro-reason, pro-happiness, pro-success, anti-unearned guilt. So if you want to value your own mind, then I, again, I recommend the cognitive therapy. But the point about feelings is, do you know that you can understand your own feelings? Are you aware of that at all?

Um, no, not really.

Okay. You can, when you feel sad, that means there’s a loss. When you feel anxious, that means there’s uncertainty or self-doubt that you're dealing with. When you feel angry, it means that something’s unfair. That’s a quick teaser. I know we’re at the end of time here, but that's a teaser to say, oh, go get some cognitive therapy books. You can go to my website too, DrKenner.com, and find Mind Over Mood. And I wish you the best with that. I hope you change your relationship with yourself, and then you’ll find a good man.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Laura.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner...

He can’t think for himself. She’s right. Do you guys know what... what I did to get in here? That was you. And the bizarre thing is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He’s always going off about, you know, when he was in school, all the wild things he used to do, and I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right?

So think about that. Think about not a parent who wants you to emulate the best in the parent. Say the parent’s a success, and the parent wants you to achieve your own success, obviously not the success as designed by them, but your own personal success, and whatever you love doing that brings you happiness and is obviously reasonable to do. But what if your parent had a sketchy background and they want you to emulate not the best in them, but the worst? They want you to beat up on kids. They want you to have a wild, drug-ridden life, and they seem to only accept you if you destroy your own mind, your own passion, your own joy of living, and they put you down if you do well in school. This is obviously not a healthy situation, and you don’t want to get trapped in that type of a situation. If you have someone in your life who’s putting you down because of your success and brags about their own lack of success, think again. You need to get some skills as to how to deal with that type of a situation.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Another way to nourish a relationship is by spending meaningful time together, giving full attention to one another. How you spend your time together is a volitional choice. Quality Time says to your partner, "You’re important to me." Another way to nourish your relationship is by giving gifts. We do not recommend buying expensive gifts, even if affordable, except for special occasions, and especially not for the purpose of making up after an argument or for neglect or poor treatment. To fix that, you need to change a whole pattern of behavior. Small, thoughtful gifts as a symbol of your love are ideal. If you’ve discussed this, you’ll know what type of gifts your partner values. On a special occasion, buy something that your loved one truly wants but would never buy. Usually, just a card, flowers, candy, or a love note on the pillow is the perfect gift.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.