The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner, for three years, I have struggled to remain positive while taking on a tough career in financial services during a down economy. I am feeling very anxious and depressed, almost wondering if it's worth living. I have become withdrawn, avoiding my workplace and my clients. Let me say unreservedly that I have never behaved this way in my business life before, and I feel strongly that the ego destruction involved in this career has overtaken me. When I'm making money, this career is wonderful. How do I get off the couch, back to work with a song in my heart and a smile on my face while being true to the person I really am?

Mike, when you say the ego destruction has overtaken you, never put your power external to yourself. It hasn't overtaken you. If you see yourself as having given in to it, then you can decide not to give in to it. Three years is a very long time to go without feeling successful in your career. If I were in a career and I wasn’t feeling successful, it is genuinely understandable that I would feel like, "What's the use? Why bother? Who cares?" That is the risk—to let those types of ideas take over. "What's the use? Why bother? Who cares?"—and let them dominate your true self. You said you didn’t want to betray the person you really are, and that’s the problem.

Those are called core ideas. There are ideas that we all hold about ourselves, and the best type of ideas go along the lines of, "I am capable, and I am able to succeed in life." We may not say it exactly like that, but we hold that in the form of confidence and competence. When things go wrong for a sustained period, or we experience a big loss, we're at risk of saying, "What's the use? I'm a failure." That’s a resignation premise; you're throwing in the towel. You don’t want to ever do that. You want to be able to strengthen that healthier thought path: "I am capable and able to succeed in life."

We also have views about the world—core ideas not just about ourselves, but about the world and our future. A good idea would be, "I can achieve my goals in life." A bad idea would be, "Who cares? What's the use? Why bother anymore? I've done everything I can. I'm at the end of my rope, and that’s it. Everything’s collapsing around me. I'm powerless. The bad guys are winning." Not good. When we play that record in our mind over and over, it starts to take hold. The stronger, more robust message—the one we want to be more robust, our true, genuine self, "I can achieve my goals in life"—gets fainter and fainter. We don’t want that to happen; we want to make "I can achieve my goals in life" stronger. But how? You can’t fake it. If you’re feeling really down and out, you need to have a path to make those premises stronger. What is that path?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

You need to have a path to make those premises stronger. What is that path? I want to tell you, Mike, you asked the key question. You asked a phenomenal question, and phrased it very nicely. You’re coming back to this question: "How do I get off the couch, back to work with a song in my heart and a smile on my face while being true to the person I really am?" That is an incredibly optimistic question. So, let’s look more closely at it. How do I get off the couch?

What do you do to get off the couch? Sit down and write for five minutes, maybe ten minutes, on ways to get off the couch. What’s helped you in the past? Who’s helped you in the past? What thoughts have helped you in the past? Because if you take any self-valuing action, it's important; you’ll get a big payoff. You’ll be fighting that despondency.

You can also do what’s called a brain dump. Take another five or ten minutes and get all the crap that’s in your head—all the stressors—and dump them onto paper. It may be a nasty five or ten minutes, but once you nail it on paper, it doesn’t float around in your head and bombard you like bullets flying all over the place. You need clarity on what the stressors are. Then, take a break, but come back to it and prioritize them.

What’s one thing you could do now? You talked about calling a client. Maybe it’s doing some paperwork, meeting a deadline, or paying a bill. What’s one small step—the next action you can take to energize yourself? That’s helpful.

You can also consider—and this may sound a little off the wall—exercising. They’ve found that when people take care of their bodies—go for a walk, go to the gym, play a record they like, and dance at home if they want—exercise energizes us because we’re taking care of our bodies and our minds. It opens up a file folder: "I can do it." You can call on friends and family members who can help you.

If you feel even a little suicidal, definitely get a cognitive therapist and the book Choosing to Live. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com.

You also said you want to get back to work with a song in your heart and a smile on your face. Wonderful imagery. Treat yourself as if you were your own best friend, giving yourself advice, and act as if you’re successful.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

If you’re prone to expressing anger during an argument, a more effective way to argue is to do so on paper. If you’re prone to angry outbursts, try writing a note to your partner, being careful to limit your frustration to the current issue. Keep the note short—a paragraph or two. Here’s what Aaron might write: "I’m angry that you spent money on clothes when we need that money to pay for the rent. We agreed to keep to our budget." He could leave the note on the kitchen table. Jane may then respond on paper: "I feel so bad that I ignored our budget. I bought the outfits on a whim. I’ll return them tomorrow." Sometimes, writing down your thoughts allows you time to express yourself assertively and helps break a pattern of face-to-face, heated, destructive arguments.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.