The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and at Amazon.com.

Right before the break, I was answering Justin's call. Justin is a 17-year-old who drinks and smokes, and he's depressed. He's depressed enough to have called me, to have picked up the phone and called me. Well, kudos for that. However, you cannot stop there. You need to be able to learn how to understand your own emotional life so you don't just get run by your emotions, but you can objectively look at what you're feeling and figure out new, alternative ways to go.

For example, what are your goals, Justin, for a career? What would you love to do for the rest of your life that's doable? I mean, I can't be a neurosurgeon, and I can't be an astrophysicist, but there are many, many, many things that I would love doing. I wish I had nine lives, like they say cats do, because there are so many things I would love to be: a professional ballroom dancer, and to teach dancing. I love what I do now. There are so many different careers. So think about the goals that you've had over your life. Shut out any voices that are saying, "You should do this." Your parents: "You should go to law school, you should become a doctor, you should do XYZ." You can listen to what they have to say, but if it's not your value, if it doesn't resonate with what you truly value in life, then don't do it.

Now, this is within the realm of rational goals. You don't want to go out there and become a bank robber, obviously, but you want really healthy goals for yourself. Think of what your passions are, put your all into it, become very good at it, and figure out how to earn a living from it, so that it's truly your life. It's got your logo on it. It's got your feeling to your life. You're only 17 years old.

Then think of the problems you have. You're drinking. Well, get the book Changing for Good. It gives a lot of strategies on how to first raise your awareness of "Why am I drinking? Why am I drinking so much? Do I need to make some really big changes? Change the friends I hang around with? What influence do they have on me?" Find better friends and try not to pull them down, but to raise yourself up to their level, to find people you admire. Try to figure out what, try to find decent friends. Try to find, I would say, a hobby. But a hobby is good, though you want to put your emphasis first into a career. And then you're going to be looking at your romantic life eventually, too. But you're not going to attract somebody who's really good if you're drinking and smoking and doing self-damaging things. So I would get the book Changing for Good by Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente. It's on my website, DrKenner.com, and that should help you out. There's also a wonderful book that I recommend a lot on my website, Mind Over Mood, which will help you with the therapy piece.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

This is from Suzanne: "My marriage is in the process of turning into a divorce. We have so many problems that I never saw before we were married, I think because there wasn't so much stress. However, maybe my husband has ADD. Could this be the reason for a lot of our problems? He constantly forgets stuff. He doesn't pay any attention to details. Then everything always gets messed up. And I confront him, his answer most of the time is, 'Well, I thought you said,' or he will try to justify it with something. It drives me crazy. It's been this way for over three years. It's causing me to want to run away and not turn back. I will repeat things to him one or two times, just so that he may absorb it. But a lot of times, that doesn't even help. Because of all this, it's wearing on our marriage. I feel like I have to always shadow behind him, trail behind him to keep things in order.

"So imagine being the husband and the wife's always trailing behind you. Do you like that? I know we all forget from time to time, but this is out of hand. I've acquired a lot of gray hair. I believe it's due to this stress. Then the kids have to hear all the arguments because maybe I've asked him to do something and he doesn't do it. It's so frustrating."

Then she says: "I can tell..." Then she goes on to say that he always says, "This is not what you told me," and he goes into defensive mode, and he argues. Then I gave you the example at the beginning of the show, where she said, on Christmas morning, he got her a sweater that was a size small, when she felt he should have known that she didn’t take a size small. Or at least he shouldn’t have become defensive. He should have just said, "We'll go back to the store and exchange it." But they argued, and it totally ruined the whole Christmas morning.

This is from Suzanne, and she ends up by saying, "Help. Does he have ADD?"

Well, you can get a medical checkup just to make sure he doesn’t have any brain lesions or tumors. But I am really wary of the diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder, which means you can’t focus. Because I’ve seen so many people diagnosed with that, and they can focus darn well on the things that they value, a sports game or video games, or the things that they love in life, but not on people they don’t value. If he feels like you’re a critical parent... So it could be that your husband doesn’t currently value you. He sees you as that critical parent or as a nag, and notice that he may be rebelling with a passive aggressiveness. "She can’t make me do it. She’s always picking on me. She’s always following me around. Nothing’s ever good enough for her." I mean, you may be a real neatnik. So it could be that you bring a lot into the picture that you want to take a closer look at, and you might benefit from some individual therapy.

Now, it also may be that that’s not the case, that he just doesn’t care about you. Maybe he’s got a honey on the side. Maybe he just doesn’t like married life with the kids and the stress, and he just is lazy, or just doesn’t want to focus. That could be the case. So notice that he doesn’t just have a forgetfulness problem. He has a lying problem too, because after you catch him with something, he makes up stories. "Well, maybe you did tell me you wore a small," and you’re saying, "There’s no way in the world I would have ever said that." So notice that hurts don’t just evaporate or melt away in a marriage. They accumulate. They fester to the point where you want to run away and the kids are caught in the crossfire of your marital problems. It takes a big toll on them. So what I would suggest is you need some talking together, and I would highly recommend couples therapy for the two of you. You need stress management. Maybe you both have too much on your plate. Maybe there’s not a fair division of labor. Maybe you need to learn communication skills, how to talk about differences, how to talk about the things that have made both of you angry. And then you need to learn how to introspect and to look at your contribution to this. You also need to expose—are there any secrets that are going on? If this has been going on for three years, is there any infidelity? Any secrets that are going on? Because that’s very painful. I had talked about cheap apologies. If your husband were to say, "Well, I’m sorry," well, that’s a two-second apology, a sanitized apology. "I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong." It’s like a blanket apology. The grudging apology: "I said I was sorry. What else do you want?" The guilt-inducing apology: "Do you really need me to apologize for that?"

So a good apology is taking responsibility for the damage you’ve caused, making it specific and heartfelt, very non-defensive, and you work to earn back the trust. So the apology isn’t a one-shot deal.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

A successful romantic relationship absolutely needs partners to feel cherished by one another. Here are some principles to help accomplish this. One, work to understand your partner. Two, encourage your partner to pursue his or her values. Three, communicate constantly. Four, show concern for your partner’s welfare. Five, show generosity. Six, make decisions together. Seven, respect your partner’s need for private time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.