The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com.

One frustrated wife leaves me an after-hours call of what it's like behind the scenes in her marriage. See what you think of this.

"Dr. Kenner, my question is I have been living in pretty much a dysfunctional home for the past couple of years. My husband and I are having marital problems for the past two years, and we have an 18-year-old daughter that lives at home, and she's become extremely rebellious and just thinks that our home is a revolving door where she can just come and go as she pleases. I just can't seem to get through to my husband. He's been so depressed. He's a pastor of a church. He hates his job. He walks around depressed, and all he does is sit and watch television. We have not had marital relations since March of last year, so I'm just about ready to give up, and I'm trying to be the foundation of this home. I have a good relationship with my daughter, but she does nothing but fight with my husband. And I was wondering if you could recommend a good family counselor in the Akron, Ohio area. Thank you for your time."

Okay, first, I'm going to answer your last question about a counselor in the Akron, Ohio area. I would go on the website the Academy of Cognitive Therapy at academyofct.org, and they list therapists throughout the country. So if there's a good cognitive therapist in your area, or there may be several of them, you may be able to find one through that route.

Now, what if I said to you, "Listen, you promised that you would be married for life. It's an oath. Your husband obviously doesn't want to leave you, and the two of you just have to put up with it. You know, you'll have 30, 40, 50 more years with him, and he'll be sitting on the couch very unhappy. But you know, what can you do? This is for better or worse, and you just happened to get for worse. So I think you need to grin and bear it. Just be the foundation of the marriage. Maybe you can pick him up. Maybe you can make it your responsibility to change his character and bring back the spark and life in him. And I also don't recommend that you let anybody at church know what's going on behind the scenes. Keep this a private secret, because you know, he would lose face even more and get more depressed if they knew what was going on. So just keep it buried behind the closed doors of your home for a few decades. And goodbye. Have a good life now."

That is absolutely not me as a therapist. As a therapist, it is your life to enjoy. And hey,

I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

As a therapist, it is your life to enjoy, and you cannot change another person. You can be a good listener. You can state how you feel accurately and tactfully and forcefully, but you can't change another person, and you have a right to part ways if the relationship is not going well.

So first, let's take a look at your husband. He's the pastor of a church. He hates his job. Well, if anybody hates their job, you're not in Soviet Russia. There is no Soviet Russia anymore. You're not in a communist dictatorship. You can move. Now, that takes effort, that takes thinking things through, that takes looking and exploring. "What would I like to do with the rest of my life?" There are books, What Color Is Your Parachute? that are helpful in terms of finding a career. Is it a gawky period? Is it a transition period? Of course, it is. It's disorienting for anybody going through that. But it's his responsibility to take a look at his own career, rather than going into church, giving a sermon, and not following his own sermon in his own life, feeling like a hypocrite, hating the job, hating the people who turn to him, saying, "Oh, I need some help. My husband's not doing well," or "My grandmother died," or "Can you help me here?" If he dreads those phone calls, he is just a big hypocrite to stay in that business. And it will bring him down; it will give him a depression. But he's earning it, meaning he can change it.

So if he's thinking, "I've got to get up and write another sermon. I hate this stuff. I hate speaking before my congregation," he's got to change, and you can't do that for him. If he thinks, "No, this is my cross to bear," then let him bear it alone.

What about the sex life? Well, if your career is so much a part of your identity—a huge part of it—if his sense of self has eroded, if he's allowed that to erode, then his sense of manhood possibly went along with it. It makes a lot of sense. So that's another possibility. There are also other possible things that could be happening behind the scenes. Maybe he had an affair with somebody in the church and feels guilty and can't face it, or maybe he doesn’t like sex, or has some paraphilia—some odd way of enjoying himself that hasn't come out, you know, hasn't come out of the closet yet.

So those are some tips for how you think about your husband. If he refuses to take action, don't look at depression as his disease. Look at it as he needs to get some books. There are wonderful books on my website, Drkenner.com, to pull himself out of a depression. He needs to do the thinking, put in the effort to get some counseling for himself and the family. His relationship with your daughter is no good.

What crossed my mind is: Is it possible that she's full of life, that she wants her independence? She's 18 years old, and she looks at her father as just a lug on the couch. He does nothing with his life. Does your husband envy her ambition? Does he feel like a failure? Does he scapegoat her? Does she see his hypocrisy, and does she name it, and he doesn’t like that? She names it and tries to shut her up because he doesn't want to do anything about it.

So there's a lot of tension going on at home, and it's a good thing that you and your daughter have a good relationship. I would take some time to talk with your husband openly and honestly. If it doesn’t work, talk with him in therapy, because usually, then you have a moderator, someone who can help out. But your happiness matters. And if he's trying to trigger a divorce by not being around you—that's not good either. I mean by not being close to you, not having sex. So you want to get some therapy for yourself, and maybe for yourself, your daughter, and your husband—some family therapy—and figure out where to go from here. But you do not have to stay in a marriage you don’t enjoy.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Right before the break, I was answering a question from a 13-year-old girl whose dad moved away from home, and she's feeling really sad. And it reminded me of a book that I read years ago, and the book is called Don't Look Back by Lee Wardlaw. It's a book for 13-year-olds, for teenagers, or even 9, 10, 11, 12-year-olds. It could be a new beginning if Drew could only leave the past behind.

Now let's take a quick look at her past. This is a letter that she received from her dad:

"Dear Drew, I don't quite know how to tell you this. I guess straight out is the best way. When the medical convention is over this week, I'll be staying in Hawaii permanently. After a lot of careful thought, I realize my place is no longer in San Francisco. My place is no longer beside your mother. As soon as I'm settled, I'll send you my address. I hope you'll write to me and let me know how you're feeling. I'm going to miss you very much. Love, Dad."

What do you do when you get a letter like that? That's painful. This girl Drew was speaking to someone, and she said Dad told Mom he didn't love her anymore, that he hadn't for a long time. Mom thought he was just tired and taking a break. But then Mom got another letter from an attorney. Dad had filed for a divorce.

Someone asked this little girl, "How did your mom take it?" And she said, "Not too well. She cried for a solid week. Some days she wouldn't even get out of bed, or else she'd wander around the apartment in her old bathrobe, not talking or eating. Scary. I didn't know what to do. I was only 14, and suddenly I had to take charge—cook for her brother, Dylan, get him ready for school. Then one day, Mom kind of snapped out of it. After that, she buried herself in her art gallery, working later and traveling a lot."

So you can see, going through these traumas is never easy. If you've gone through that trauma, I'm not surprised that you're burying your face, Adrian, in the pillows, and crying at night and feeling