The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Here's a question from Jay:

Hi, Dr. Kenner. My girlfriend, Jessica, is overweight and has been since we started dating three months ago. Recently, I find myself being less aroused by her. Is there anything I can do to encourage her to lose weight and lead a healthier lifestyle, or do I just have to learn to live with it or let her go?

Jay, so, Jay, here's the problem. Weight is a really, really tricky issue. People overeat for a multitude of reasons. People overeat because maybe it's stress management. Maybe there are family dynamics from childhood. You know, eat, eat, eat. If you love me, you'll eat, eat. You know, there are people starving wherever in the world, you want to eat, eat. Or it could be just to avoid sex. Maybe they don't like sex with the partner, and they eat to make themselves less attractive. So there are all sorts of reasons that people remain overweight. And of course, once you've built it into a habit, you're eating all the potato chips, you're eating the chocolate cake, you're eating the spaghetti, pasta, pasta, pasta, and it's really hard to break a habit. So, you know, I'm not saying it's easy for Jessica to lose weight, and she may not even want to.

The question I have is, I have multiple questions for you, because your question is, what do I do? Do I learn to live with it, or do I let her go? One of the questions is, when you first started dating three months ago, were you attracted to her sexually? And if so, what's changed? Has she put on more weight? Or have you seen a lot of skinny people around and just wish she would lose weight? Have you seen her naked and said, "Oh my God, I didn't realize this is what it looked like"? You know? What is going on? Is there anything else that's going on in the relationship? Maybe you're saying it's weight, but maybe there are other things that are just not working.

It's very hard for couples to communicate about sex, even in this very open climate about sex. It's hard for people to say, "This is what I like, this is what I don't like. Will you try this a little differently, or I really don't like it when you do that. Can we never do that again?" It's hard for couples to figure out a couple's style of sexuality. And if that's the issue, you can talk with one another.

If you're dealing with the weight itself, let me get right to that. Romance just doesn't work if you're physically turned off by your partner. You know, you can't put a—what do you call it?—they say a paper bag over the head while you're making love. But in this case, if you're not liking her physique, you know, you can't put a big covering over her while you make love and fake that it's somebody else. So weight can be a relationship breaker.

So it really is, how do you address this issue? When my husband and I were first married, I wanted to be a housewife. I mean, I worked too, but I loved the idea of setting up a home and cooking and cooking gourmet foods with lots of butter, lots of pasta, lots of yummy, delicious chocolate cakes, and all sorts of cookies. And he's going to want them now. And guess what happened within the first year? Within the first year, my husband gained 20 pounds. Twenty pounds is quite a hunk of weight to put on, and if I look in the mirror myself, I had put on some weight. Now, I don't tend to be overweight, but even with all that cooking, I put on what was the most I've ever weighed. If I told you, you'd say, "Oh, come on, Ellen, get over it." But, you know, we looked at one another and we both agreed that we were not as sexually attracted to one another. We had the conversation. I didn't have a microphone. We weren't recording it back then, and obviously people don't record these conversations. But I can tell you that I don't think my husband ever shamed me. I don't think he ever said, "You look disgusting." I think he might have said, "You know, you're a little less attractive that way," and I might have said the same thing to him, you know, when he's got the rolls on the belly, which, by the way, he doesn't have.

Now, fast forward many years. We both had a very good effect on one another in that the way we communicated that that weight was an issue felt supportive, and we both ended up eating healthier and exercising more. As I just mentioned a moment ago, fast forward many years, and I'm as thin as I've been in my teens, and my husband is in very good shape. We're both in very good shape for our age, but we built better habits. And you know that takes effort; that takes a lot of stumbles along the way.

So you cannot force your partner, your girlfriend Jessica, to change. She owns her body. Her eating and exercise habits are her own. If you try to force her, which you might have already tried to do, I don't know, Jay. I don't know if that's your style. That doesn't bode well for romance, because if you're telling me, "Ellen, you need to lose weight, or I just don't find you sexy," not only do I feel very anxious and inadequate, but now I feel like I'm at risk of losing a huge value, and I feel like I'm a pig or, you know, I might shame myself. I'd be very self-critical.

So losing weight is an art. It's a skill. It's a science. There is a book in the back, I think it's called The Beck Diet Plan that you could suggest she could get if she wanted it, but you can't push that on her. If you are really unattracted to her, you have every right to leave. In our book, that I wrote with Dr. Edwin Locke, L-O-C-K-E, it's The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, and we talk about appearance and health and fitness.

And of course, the word selfish there doesn't mean the mean, rotten way to romance. It means the self-nurturing, self-valuing, self-respecting, self-esteem way to romance. Both partners win and you cherish each other. So our book, if you're interested in that at all, we have how to make yourself lovable and how to find the right partner and how to keep romance going over a period of time. And we talk about sexuality. That's The Selfish Path to Romance. You can get it at amazon.com or selfishromance.com. We have a website set up just for that. And that's what I can say about weight.

I'm very happy that I go to the gym now. In fact, that was one of my gifts. I don't know if it was for my 50th or 55th birthday. Every year I give myself a gift. This year, it's to clean the house. So you can hold me to that. But a few years ago, I gave myself a birthday gift of getting fit, going to the gym more regularly, and I had some starts and stumbles. You know, I didn't go all the time, but, man, I built it into a habit over time. And I do go weekly. I go at least once or twice a week. I'm very happy for that. And you can make those changes in your life. Think of a gift you'd like to give yourself, and you don't have to wait for your birthday for.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

It is very effective to try to resolve disagreements non-aggressively. However, there is an exception to this method. If your partner has committed a real moral betrayal, such as adultery, physically hurting you, or stealing money from you, it is fully understandable to show genuine moral outrage and not worry about a constructive discussion initially, assuming you know all the relevant facts. However, it's still more self-respecting and productive to take some time alone to think before engaging in any discussion with your partner. This will give you time to consider if you want this relationship at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.