The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com. Kendra, you're somebody who is thinking of a career change. Is that you? A boyfriend or my, my boy? Your boyfriend? How old is he?
He's 38.
He's 38 years old. And tell me what your concerns are. Well, actually, he wants to become a carpenter. Yeah, he's been in the wholesale food industry for 20 years, and he wants to make a career change.
And what is bringing carpentry to his mind? Why carpentry out of all the different careers?
Well, because it's, I think he said it because he enjoys the physical labor. Yeah, he enjoys doing things around the house, you know, like fixing things. So that's why he has decided that, because he thinks that it brings him satisfaction.
So that's a sense of joy. Is it something he's always wanted to do, but he felt like he had to earn a living, or something like that?
I don't know if he said that he originally, when he was in high school, he took some drafting classes, and he did really well, and he enjoyed them.
Okay, because the key thing I look at in a career choice is, does the person like or love it? And the closer you get to very much liking it or loving it, the more success you're likely to have. Now, at the age of it. But you've got—that's not the only factor. Obviously, age is an issue. Obviously, financial income is a huge issue. Obviously, if he wants to be a carpenter, and I think of our carpenter, we have a wonderful but very tall carpenter, and I picture him on the roof, on our roof, nailing in shingles. And I think, glad it's not my hobby.
So he does want to go into maybe the mill work?
The mill work, okay, so it wouldn't be because he knows that he wouldn't like to go to height, so he wants to go into a specific avenue of it.
So he would be using the saws and, yeah, doing the milling and your concerns. What with something? Tell me you've been dating him for how long, Kendra?
Over about a year and a half.
And a serious relationship?
Yes. And your—will he. What are your top three concerns, your biggest concerns as Kendra, not as him?
Okay, um, just how long has—well, I thought that he'd be doing more of the physical outdoor type work. So I was thinking at 38, is it good to, you know, to start something that could be more damaging to your physical body? You know, at that age, because he could be lifting very heavy things.
I can remember lifting three sheet boards at a time.
Exactly. Have you ever tried that?
I don't ever want to do that again. I'd rather deliver another baby than—
She depends on his rationality too. Because, I mean, some guys are real macho, and they say that they can do everything, and you know, all it takes is one wrong turn, and they pull their back, whereas others will get the equipment to lift it. You know, they'll invest in some equipment that will assist them in lifting things or get help. So I don't know what his choice-making is like.
So, yeah, one of your concerns then is he choosing something that's going to damage, you know, you're going to end up with spinal problems, back problems, yeah.
And realistically, how long passed after 55 can you, you know, continue to do that?
Can you continue to do this? You know? Because you know what they say—we're not going to be able to retire at 55.
Okay, so at any—so, you know, people our age.
And they're right, but he's good. He's got skills. If he develops these skills, he'll be able to transfer them into other areas. He could write a book on carpentry or mill work. He could open his own shop and employ people to do the heavier work, exactly, you know. So he could—it's a business that he could grow in many different directions. He could make furniture. He could, you know, he could do many different things with it. So the physical, outdoors part—I don't have a problem with it. I mean, I think 38 is darn young. I don't think that there's a problem with that. As long as he's fit. Is he massively obese and with a beer belly and the rest? Or is he in good shape?
No, he's in good shape.
Then this might be very healthy for him, rather than a sedentary job sitting behind a desk, I think. And if he's already working with wholesale food, I'm assuming that he knows good body dynamics in terms of lifting things and—
Yeah. So what's your second concern?
Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.
Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.
So what's your second concern?
I really don't have a lot of concerns. It was mainly him and not financial—
No, because I think that if your spouse, or you know, really isn't happy, and I think his previous job was causing him some physical health problems, like from stress from the job.
You mean emotional or—
Yes, you said physical.
Well, he was getting high blood pressure, panic attacks, stuff like that.
Okay, but that's emotional, right? If you're talking about panic attacks—
Well, but it's still—it feels physical when you're feeling it.
Oh yes, you're exactly right. Now, I know where you're coming from, you know? I mean, you do—it isn't really good for your body, exactly either, right? You're—you constantly trigger a stress response, and your body is getting a lot of cortisol and adrenaline with a panic attack. That's a signal that you need to pay attention to, because you need to say, what is it I'm super anxious about, where are my self-doubts, or where is my uncertainty? And if it has to do with career, my gosh, if you want a quick depression or a quick anxiety, get in a job you don't like and try to stay there for many years. You feel suffocated, but you—so if he's searching for a job, I mean, he can expand the range, but if he knows he loves carpentry, he can pick many different things in carpentry and test the waters.
Is he financially okay?
Yes. And I think that it's worth it. I mean, to me as someone that wants to be with him for a long period of time, or the rest of my life, yeah, I would rather, you know, struggle through an apprenticeship program for a few years financially than, you know, lose him to a heart attack or stroke five years later, like saying, “No, you have to make more money for us.”
Okay?
And are you into—are you working also?
Yes, I work part-time, and I go to school full-time. So I'm going to school to become a teacher, and that's something I've always wanted to do my whole life, and now I finally have a job working with kids in a school, and I'm going to school to finish so I can become a teacher.
What age kids?
I mainly work with first and second graders.
Oh, the young ones?
Yes. And I love it. I really love it.
Wonderful. So I guess I would never ask another human being to go and do something just so we can, you know, drive a better car, have a bigger—
Right?
So, are you planning to have kids?
I don't know.
Yeah, okay. I know we're right at the end of time here. Listen, thank you so much for your call. I think you're exactly right that you want to have a career that you absolutely enjoy and that will bring you happiness. So thank you so much, Kendra, and I wish him a lot of success and both of you a lot of happiness. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.
Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting. A successful romantic relationship absolutely needs partners to feel cherished by one another. Here are some principles to help accomplish this.
One, work to understand your partner.
Two, encourage your partner to pursue his or her values.
Three, communicate constantly.
Four, show concern for your partner's welfare.
Five, show generosity.
Six, make decisions together.
Seven, respect your partner's need for private time.
You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @amazon.com.