The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Yes, I would like to know. I found out that my boyfriend is cheating. What is my next step?

Okay, very quickly. What happens if you discover the evidence? You find a love letter, you find a text, a phone recording of him saying, "Darling, I love you. When’s your wife leaving so we can make love again? Can I come to your house again?" What happens when you get that absolutely crushing blow? Well, what immediately happens is your whole world implodes. Be very good to yourself here. This is normal. You question your own mind: Do I know myself? I thought he was faithful. How could I have missed all the evidence that he is cheating on me? You question your evaluation of others: I thought I trusted him, but what's going on here? You're angry with him. You maybe feel guilty. You know, we haven't had sex as often as I wished we had, and then you just wonder: Can you make sense of the whole world? Everything seems like it's in a murky mess. And this is absolutely normal. This is what happens when you get a betrayal of this degree. This is one of the biggest hurts you can ever have in life, having someone that you've chosen as your partner, in this case, a boyfriend, cheat on you.

Now, the first thing that I would like to tell you is to be very, very kind to yourself. Don't beat up on yourself. You're not the one that betrayed your own character. He is. He's the one that cheated, not you. So just say: I am judging him. He is not the person I thought he was. Look closely, learn, get the evidence, and give myself some time to make a decision. I would go out immediately and get the book After the Affair. It's at my website, DrKenner.com—d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r dot com. It's After the Affair by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, and she walks you through what it feels like to be betrayed so you won’t feel like you're going crazy. You might even have revenge fantasies. She might help you decide—she will help you decide whether it's worth trying to preserve this relationship. Or you're not married, you don't have kids, why not walk away from it? What is the value in staying with a guy who's dishonest? That’s one of the big relationship breakers. It's a non-negotiable aspect. If there's—let's say—some understandable reason: Hey, I—

I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What is the value in staying with a guy who's dishonest? That’s one of the big relationship breakers. It’s a non-negotiable aspect. If there's—let's say—some understandable reason: He's been overseas for two years, and he just one night had a fling with somebody, but he misses you, he really loves you, and he apologizes profusely and makes amends. Well, then that’s repairable. Let's say that he just was out on business on a trip, and some girl was flirting with him, came on to him, he kissed her, and you're considering that cheating? Well, that may be repairable, but he certainly still needs a lot of cleaning up on his choice-making. So again, when somebody’s betrayed you, be good to yourself and then evaluate them. Do they still have the standing in what’s important in your life? If they don't have that, then you want to break the ties and not carry away from this experience the belief that all men cheat. All men do not cheat. This particular man did, but you need to be able to preserve your optimism that there’s a guy out there who would never betray his own character and do something like this to you.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal-setting:

To have a thriving romantic relationship does not mean you must always be chained together. Feeling a sense of relief when your partner goes on a trip does not necessarily mean you don’t love that person. Maybe you need some private time, just as your partner does occasionally. If you always want your partner to leave town, that's a different matter. In a thriving relationship, you will always be glad to see your partner come home. You'll be happy you had some time to yourself and will feel reinvigorated romantically. Obviously, we don’t condone sneakiness, irrationality, or any type of dishonesty during those times that you're on your own.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.