The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

I had a question. I have borderline personality disorder, and sometimes I feel like I don't love people that I should love, like the people that are actually closest to me are the ones that I start to feel like I don't care about or I don't love, and it really hurts me, and I'm trying to figure out, you know, like, what I should do to help that and to make it disappear, because I don't want to live my life feeling like I don't care about the people that actually, you know... My head tells me that I don't care about them, and my heart tells me that, you know, I do, and it hurts and it upsets me.

Okay, whenever you feel at odds with yourself like that, the key thing you need to do is introspect. Introspect means turning your mental focus inward and saying, "What's going through my mind?" In fact, that's one of the key questions in cognitive therapy, and it’s a good one to write down: What is going through my mind right now? What are my thoughts, my feelings, my images, my memories—what's going on right now, especially when something important in your life comes up, like relationships?

Now, I want to spend a moment talking about borderline personality disorder and then address what you can do in terms of not feeling at odds with yourself, like when your head is telling you one thing and your heart's telling you another. Actually, your head's telling you both things—they’re just two angles on the same issue.

So, borderline personality disorder—you might have heard that term thrown around; people call it BPD. It's a pervasive pattern of very shaky, rocky relationships. You have a very rocky view of yourself, and you don’t know who you are. You experience this intense inner loneliness, sometimes very intense, and you feel like you don't have any purpose in life. You don’t know where you’re going or how to make friends with other people. Then you get this sense of intense anxiety, which can turn into anger, and you may get rageful. You might get into fights with people, either verbal or physical, and you just feel like you're on a total emotional roller coaster.

You might also act impulsively—it’s like, "Well, now I'm going to enjoy myself," and you might go out spending in ways you can't afford, having promiscuous sex, driving recklessly, binge eating, or using drugs and alcohol. This is not a label anyone wants to have: borderline personality disorder. You want to figure out how to improve your life and overcome this label. Cognitive therapy has made wonderful progress in this area.

So, how do you deal with your awareness that you feel like you don’t feel close to the people in your life, and yet with your heart, you love them? What you want to do is, maybe sit down with a piece of paper and just list the pros and cons. What do you love about the people in your life? Because many people are mixed; there are things to love in them and things you don't love. What are the things that irk you about them? Making that list can help give you clarity as to why you have mixed reactions to a single individual. Sometimes you really like the person, and sometimes you don’t.

Now, that’s in evaluating another person. Sometimes you don’t like or dislike another person based on them; instead, it could be your own state of mind. If you’re in a very needy state of mind, very dependent, you may feel that you love this person because you're desperate and need them. But then you may feel angry that you need them so much. Alternatively, you may think, "Well, they hurt me, and I don’t need people; I can be my own person." And when you’re really feeling empty, you might push them away or be afraid they’ll get too close and discover that you're an empty person. That's not good either.

So right now, we're talking about how you deal with the relationship aspect, and to address that, you need to develop good introspective skills. Borderline personality disorder also involves feeling incredibly empty. The key thing you need is purpose in your life. You want to think long-range; you don't want to just relax by reading a few magazines and feel that’s purposeful. You need a career, something that connects your days and builds up momentum, giving you a sense of growth and expertise in a certain area.

You want a career you love, not one chosen by your parents, but also one that’s rational. That means not going out to be a stripper or working at a casino doing things underhandedly. You want to spend your life in a rational career. Think about what you wanted to become when you were younger and work on that, if it’s still feasible. This will help you build a sense of identity, which will improve your relationships with others.

With borderline personality disorder, life can feel rocky and unstable, with no sense of security. You need to watch out for any impulse control issues—not only in areas like spending, drinking, and driving, but also in terms of suicidal threats and self-mutilating behaviors. People with BPD may put their lives at risk or engage in self-harm, like burning themselves with cigarettes or cutting themselves. They do this because they feel so empty inside that the physical pain distracts their mind from the psychological pain. The chaos in their mind is so intense that physical pain temporarily distracts them, but then they feel guilty, which intensifies the pain.

There is help for borderline personality disorder. I recommend visiting the Academy of Cognitive Therapy’s website at Academyofct.org. There, you may be able to find a cognitive therapist in your area—a therapist who focuses on thinking and helps you pursue your values and have a happy life.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I’ve got a juicy piece of news, and it’s reliable. Alan in accounting got it from Steven in promotions, who got it from Cindy in retail sales, who got it from Arlene, the station manager’s secretary, that the station is definitely way over budget and somebody is getting the ax—but don't tell anybody; I was sworn to secrecy.

That’s from Frasier, obviously. It’s Roz. Have you ever had a situation like that where you were sworn to secrecy, but you wanted to tell the world or a best friend? You lie to yourself—that’s called a rationalization. You tell a friend the secret, breaking your promise, and then say, “But don’t tell anyone; I was sworn to secrecy.” That’s where the lie comes in. You try to pretend that just by telling the other person you were sworn to secrecy, you’re somehow keeping it, but you actually broke the promise. We do these little sneaky things inside our minds to cut corners, but we’re our own judge. We tally up the times we’re aware we’re sneaking or cheating, and it makes us feel inadequate and filled with self-doubt.

The best gift you can give yourself is to feel clean inside. If you’ve made mistakes in the past, you can clean them up. If you have bad thinking habits, you can fix those too, but it takes work, effort, and introspective focus. That’s what therapy is about, and that’s what I’m passionate about.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, visit DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Emotions can be understood consciously, but only through introspection—by focusing inward on our mental contents and processes. Subconscious thoughts can be brought into awareness. For example, Bill thinks, "Aaron's flirting with my wife, and I'm feeling fear. Why? I’m worried she’ll divorce me." If Bill had more self-confidence, his reaction might be quite different, like, “I like that my wife is attractive, and she’s probably enjoying Aaron’s attention, but that’s no threat to me, because we deeply value one another and feel worthy of each other's love.” Introspection is a learned skill, and without it, you're at the mercy of changing emotions. With practice, you can become skilled at it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.