The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Brandon, you're having some difficulties with anger.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, just about two days ago, I was talking to my girlfriend, and she told me I was with a friend, but when I called that friend up to see where she was at, she said that she wasn't with her. So, when I waited at her house, she came home with another guy, but she told me it was different, and I exploded. I just—I almost thought the guy put out.

Okay, you're breaking up a little bit. Is there a way to talk directly into the phone?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Okay, that's wonderful. So what I've got so far is that you've been lied to. You've been betrayed. Two days ago, you came home, your girlfriend had told you that she was with a friend. Didn't mention male or female when you went to—when you came to her house, or is that right?

You said, I waited. I mean, I called her phone, she didn't pick up, texted her, she didn't pick up. And about an hour later, she came home, and I guess it was a coworker that took her home, and I exploded. I didn't get physical, but I got really verbally—like, I got really mad. I mean, is it my fault to get mad at her for that?

You jumped the gun. Because let's say that it was totally innocent. Let's say—where are you? What state are you calling from?

Washington.

Okay, we're in Rhode Island. We get snow here. So let's say a coworker took you home because you were in a snowstorm. You get Washington, DC, or Washington State?

Washington State.

You get snow, don't you?

Yeah.

So let's say a coworker took her home because it was a big snowstorm. It happened to be a single male coworker who she doesn't have any interest in. She may think he's a nice guy, but she has no interest in him. You do not have enough data at that point to know why she didn't answer her cell phone, why she didn't get your text message. You don't have enough data. Maybe she left it at work accidentally.

Well, she didn't go to work. She told me she was with another friend.

Oh, so you did catch her, and did you have enough data to catch her in a lie? Or was it—

Yes, I did.

You did, yes.

It was with another friend. But she, when she got home, I was like, what were you doing? She didn't answer me. And then I got really mad. And then I was like, what? You know? I was like, What are you doing? And then she was like, you know, I just feel like I was out with dinner with my coworkers, you know, like a bunch of coworkers. But I was like, okay, so what if he has to take you home? You know? Yeah, and she's been texting him and talking to him more than usual, and then like—and I mean, was I—

I need to know what you did when you said you exploded, because—

I started screaming at him, and he tried to go after me. He was like, We're just friends. I was like, okay, then why couldn't you pick up your phone and tell me? She was like, because I didn't want to get mad. So did I get the—I mean, did I have the right to explode? Or I mean—

No, you're—for your own self-respect, you want a better coping strategy. Because even if it's the case that you are massively betrayed and that she's having an affair with this guy? No, I'm really jumping the gun here. But even if— even if it's the worst-case scenario that she's been seeing him for two months or two years or something on the side, yeah, it's not your character that's destroyed. Whose character is destroyed if she's been deceiving you for two or two months or two years?

Hers.

Hers. So the damage is already done to her, the betrayal. What you need to preserve at that moment is your view that she betrayed you, but not all women will, and that you need to move on to find a better woman. But at that moment, you're feeling anger because anger is—hey—

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

But at that moment, you're feeling anger because anger is an injustice detector. It is the emotion that we experience as a consequence of feeling that somebody was not fair to us. If you have little anger, it's typically something that's a little not fair. You know, I asked someone to make my coffee black, and they put cream and sugar because they weren't focused at a local cafe. And so I'm a little annoyed, but I'm not going to scream and explode and, you know, go punch the person out because they made my coffee wrong. But if it's a top value in your life—the woman that you're dedicating your life to at this point in time, this girlfriend—and you anticipate a future with her, and you find out that she is not anticipating a future with you, or not the type that she has led you to believe, that is a major injustice, a major situation that is not fair. So yes, it is proper to experience anger provided that you have the data. That was the first point I made. Brendan, you want to make sure you have the data. How you express that anger really matters.

Yes. I mean, I need some advice on, like, you know, when things happen like, you know, just when I jump the gun too fast. I mean, what should I do before—

Time out. You buy time because if you go on autopilot, you're going to punch her out, or you're going to punch him out, or you're going to do whatever you did with your siblings growing up. Did you have siblings?

Yes, I did.

What'd you guys do when you got angry?

We just started arguing.

Oh, you know you're breaking up again. Did it escalate? Did you ever hit, punch, kick, throw things?

Yeah.

Okay, so those habits die hard unless you take conscious control and make an effort to say, what do I wish I had done differently in this situation? Let me name some things. If you sat down with a paper and pen and just wrote, how could I manage it differently? Who do I admire? Who manages their anger well? And you might say, oh my gosh, you know something, I have a coworker who would have walked away from this situation. I have a co—another.

So here are some of the things you can do. You can buy time. Just say, I'm feeling very angry right now; I need to leave the scene. Then don't go speeding away. Don't go to a bar drinking. Instead, you want to buy some private time. Go to a little cafe, order the coffee—hope you get it right—but go to a cafe, Brandon, and then write on paper how you're feeling. Get your feelings out on paper. If you have a good friend, you could talk to a friend, but they're raw feelings. So it's actually more private to do—you know, it's a private situation. You can do it on paper. Then once you gather your thoughts, you see what action you want to take. You don't want to punch the person out because it makes you feel good in the moment; it makes you feel real crummy afterward. You feel guilty, you feel sheepish, you feel meek, you feel cowardly.

Yes, that's why I'm calling right now because I feel bad for exploding.

Yeah, you can go back and say, Listen, I apologize for exploding. I need to give this some thought. This is not a workable situation right now. I need to figure out what I want to do with the relationship. Take the moral high ground. What am I going to do with the relationship? And you don't want people to be able to provoke you like that. If you go to my work—my website, right? DrKenner.com—there's an anger workout book. There are multiple anger books that you can get, not just on my website, but just if you go into the bookstores, you can get your page right now.

Yeah, you can. You can get an anger workout book that I think will be quite helpful for you. So I hope—thank you very much for your call, and I hope you have some wonderful success in taking some time outs and getting the thinking time for more.

Dr. Kenner Podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this Ned.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. There is no problem with sex before marriage, provided one genuinely cares for the partner and practices safe sex. We obviously don't condone mindless sex divorced from any valuing of the partner. Why not? Because it won't have any personal meaning.

In summary, although the sexual capacity is given to you, knowing how to enjoy it, whom to enjoy it with, and whether it should be enjoyed is not self-evident. Such sexual knowledge is not instinctual or innate, as is evident with the widespread sexual problems so many people experience. You need more information about the nature of sex and how to enjoy it. There are hundreds of books and videos showing many ways to enjoy sex. These can be helpful, but they are not the whole story, and in our view, not the most fundamental part of the story.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.