The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and right now we're going to turn to the phone lines and speak with Willy. Willy, welcome to the show.

Very good. You've got some romance problems, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

Currently, my fiancée is pregnant.

Okay, and how many months?

Four and a half.

Yeah, okay.

She's going through mood swings and everything. But, um, one action, she says, I have anger problems, but I don't know, something triggers me off. It's like going through a little... I’ve currently got fired from my job. I've been there like two years, and right now she's, she's pregnant, so it's like, she's going off the handle.

Okay, she's going off the handle, or you have the anger problems?

Well, she's going off the handle. She's like, what does she say to you?

Not that... for me, you don't do anything for me, this and that. You don't, you don't know how to keep your job or anything else. And we have a three-year-old son, and then we have another one coming. It's like, and like, after a while, I'm starting to get angry at her.

If your anger could speak, what would it say?

What would it say?

It would say things that I don't want to say, right.

Okay, but tell me what you would say.

Oh yeah, as long as you're not swearing, I don't mean to... you can't swear.

That's what goes on now, okay, no, I don't want to... exactly what goes on now, okay?

But you swear at her. But if you could say it in words, non-swearing words, Willy, what would you say? Your anger is saying, "Leave me alone. I'm trying." What would it say?

I've already said that. Okay, that didn't work. Whatever you're going to think, whatever you say, I already said it. And it's kind of like, you're not trying hard enough then, you know? It's like...

Is there some truth in that, that you could try harder?

Oh, yeah. I have. I've had, okay, but last month, in the last month, I sat there and I've been out early mornings and haven’t come back until 10 o'clock at night for a month.

Doing what?

Looking for jobs, filling out applications.

Okay, why do you think you're not getting hired?

I don't want to tell you the honest truth. I really don't know. Yeah, but this job I had for two years, and prior to that, I had a self-employment job for six years, and employers would tell me that, "Oh, I like, I like your resume because you've been ambitious, self-motivated. You've been determined because you're outside making a good amount of money for yourself," and, okay, then even in the snow, I'm doing landscaping, I'm shoveling snow.

Okay, so you can be a very hard worker, and you're just having a very difficult time drumming up some work. Now, she's really in crisis because she feels like she's got a baby on the way. She wants to focus on that, and she can't, because you're both in financial straits. Is she working or not working?

Currently, she's not working because she caught the early pregnancy symptoms, like mood swings. She gets tired real fast and she gets sick.

Can she go back to work after the baby's born?

She can go back to work, yeah. But then her mom is like, "Oh, it's all on you, Willy." It’s kind of pushing me and frustrating me. It's like, yeah.

If I were you, I would say to the mom, if the mom said, "It's all on you, Willy," I would say...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is... The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance... that is interesting.

Yeah, if I were you, I would say to the mom, if the mom said, "It's all on you, Willy," I would say, "You know, I understand that, and I wish I had a magic wand and could come up with a job where I could work double jobs and come home with a wonderful paycheck and feel proud of that. I am feeling about as low as I have in a long time, and I’m working real hard. Let me tell you what I’m doing."

I would share with the family, with the mother, with your wife, what your plans are each day to get a job. And if you persevere, you're bound to get a job, Willy. This is temporary. So instead of getting angry at one another, you want to recognize that there's truth in what she says. She’s really anxious. And if you think you could try harder, then definitely go for it. Use that as a motivator, because you'll feel much better. You'll feel more internal pride when you’ve got a paycheck coming in, yeah?

And in terms of the yelling, I would get, I would... I mentioned a book. You can get it at the library for free: Dr. Weisinger's Anger Workout Book, or another book on anger management. I would definitely do some reading. Get some help for yourself. If you can go to therapy, I would do that. I don’t know if you have insurance, but I would try to get the help because there are a lot of skills, like putting yourself on pause before you're about to yell, walking out of the house.

This stuff has just happened in the last three years.

Okay, but three years is a long time to go on, Willy, without feeling like you’re moving forward. So I would talk to her and say, "You know, I’ve spoken to someone for advice." You can tell her you touched base with me. And she recommends that we get some therapy, and instead of beating up on each other, we try to come up with an action plan that's reasonable for both of us to help us manage this because the anger is just... it's spinning your wheels. It’s tearing apart a relationship when you both need each other’s psychological support. You need the emotional support of one another now, yeah?

Okay. All right, so I wish you good luck, Willy. Let me know how things go.

All right. Okay, thanks. Bye-bye.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Never hire an architect who is a genius. I don’t like geniuses. They’re dangerous. A man able and his brothers insult them by implication. He must not aspire to any virtue that cannot be shared.

And that's from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and that is the villain speaking. "Nobody should aspire to be any better than anybody else. No geniuses, no bright people, no ambitious people. Let’s level everybody." And, of course, the emotion of envy drives that. That's a rotten emotion, but if you're around somebody who's doing that to you—a family member—just basically saying, "You think you're so good," when you’ve done some really good things, and you don’t have to say, "Well, no, I have some blemishes too." You are good. You just need to stay away from people whose goal is to make themselves feel better by trying to pull you down.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Earlier, I was talking about a guy, Carlson, who's never been married. He's the nice guy. He says, "Hi, Dr. Kenner, I'm a 35-year-old male, single, never been married, but had a few long-term relationships. My dilemma is that I'm nice—so nice that every woman I develop a good connection with gets strongly attracted to me as a friend because I'm so nice. But I think I can't seem to develop a relationship with anyone because I'm such a great friend. And they don’t want to risk losing a friendship, and it's not a blow-off. They really do get quite attached to me in this way. I'm good-looking, I'm 20-something, educated, a successful magazine publisher, no kids, no addictions, no disease, no baggage."

I'll bet there are people listening that would like to call you up right now. "And I'm even modest, even though I have to blurt out all this stuff about myself to keep the email as brief as possible. LOL... laughing out loud. My problem is, I can't love someone until I like them, and in order to like them, they have to be a friend. So the friend thing gets in the way before anything else has a chance to develop. I'm not the type to meet someone, have sex with them, and then figure out whether I like them or not, but that seems to be the order of events that most relationships seem to follow. Is my approach wrong?"

It's been a couple of years now. I know women so often are attracted to guys who they feel they can fix. Should I break something? Laughing out loud. Very much looking forward to your reply.

Okay, Carlson, you know, I wonder if you're giving off the wrong vibes. I highly suspect you are. I had a male friend in college, and we did so much together. We were best buddies. We went ice skating together. We even learned new routines. We were both very good figure skaters, and we would do the dancing as a couple on ice together.