The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Right before the break, I was talking about a woman's situation who's been married for 25 years. It's an abusive relationship. She wants out, but she still has kids at home, and I said I would talk about some of the questions that you want to look for to see if you're being physically or emotionally abused. Before I do that, I want to give you some visuals. I think this was Good Housekeeping. It's an article titled "When Words Become Weapons," by Leslie Bennett. There’s a story about a woman, Meredith, who was a very successful executive in New Jersey, and then she had triplets. She was overwhelmed, and she decided to stay home with her babies for a bit.

Her husband, Michael, was having dinner with Meredith's friends, and they were talking about her impressive job, and her husband said, "Oh, that's over. She's a has-been." Can you imagine your husband saying that about you, that your entire career—you're a has-been; you're now home with triplets? Then he pretended, "Oh, I was only joking." And then you get home, and he yells at you. He says, "You're not dressing the kids right. You're dressing them the wrong way." Or he looks at the drawers, and he goes, "These drawers are a mess," and he throws everything on the floor. "Your body disgusts me," he tells you. You just had three kids; you had triplets, and you just try to pretend it's not happening, and you stay in the relationship.

Well, think again, because in a book—this is an older book—Women Who Love Men and the Men Who Hate Them, Dr. Susan Forward gives some tips to look for to see if you're in an abusive relationship.

Number one, does he assume the right to control how you live and behave?

Number two, have you given up important activities or people in your life, family and friends, in order to keep him happy?

Number three, does he devalue your opinions, your feelings, your accomplishments?

Number four, does he yell, threaten, or withdraw into angry silence when you displease him?

Number five, do you have to walk on eggshells, rehearsing what you'll say so you won't set him off?

Number six, does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without any warning? Those arbitrary attacks—you're always on eggshells.

Number seven, do you often feel confused, off balance, and inadequate with him? This is not a soulmate. You're supposed to feel at home, comfortable, in love with the person that you're with.

Number eight, is he extremely jealous and possessive of you?

And number nine, does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?

So those are some things to look for. Again, that's from Dr. Susan Forward's book, a fabulous book. It's an older book, Women Who Love Men and the Men Who Hate Them. And again, I know the situation can be reversed too, that a woman can be a tyrant and a man can be stuck in the relationship feeling like a real wimp and not know how to leave the relationship. So it goes both ways.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

"Dear Dr. Kenner, I've got a good job, a nice home, money, a nice car, a pretty girlfriend, and yet I find myself not very happy. I get very emotional over things I see on TV or hear in songs, mostly things that have to do with love, friendship, or family. I get angry with my girlfriend sometimes, and usually over small stuff. I am mean in my words to her, and sometimes with people. When I disagree with them, I really don't seem to like people much. They always disappoint me. Why don't I like myself or people?"

Ralph, okay, so you got a lot of clues here that you get very emotional, which means a very high value is at stake. The intensity of emotion tells you that something important is at stake. So you get emotional over love, friendship, and family. So where have you had loss, sadness, betrayal in your life over those issues? Was it with your first girlfriend? Was it with your own family members? A real traumatic family—even though it was a loving family—what ideas did you pick up along the path in your life, or what ideas did you choose? Maybe friendships where you feel like people are going to hurt you, they'll always disappoint you, they'll always betray you. And then you notice any small thing that a person does, and you go, "There it goes again. There's the same thing all over again. It's Dad all over again. Or it's my brother who used to pick on me all over again, or it's my mother who used to be so critical all over again."

You want to find out what exactly went on in your life, and then you need some coping strategies. So I would definitely get some cognitive therapy. I'd go to the website, AcademyofCT.org or CognitiveTherapy.org and try to find a therapist in your area who will give you skills. But you need to figure out not only what the source was for this so that you're not a mystery to yourself, but then how to understand your own emotions, how to read your own mind and prevent it. You need alternative strategies.

In a book on controlling anger, The Anger Workout Book by Dr. Weisinger—no, Weisenberger, I think it is—he talks about how when you need to interrupt that anger cycle. So if you're about to be angry, you can feel it rising. You need to get away. You need a time out, as we would tell the kids. You need to think to yourself, "I'm beginning to feel angry. I've got to take a time out." Then go for a walk, jog, clean the garage. You need a mental time out. He even advocates listening to three songs on the radio or sitting down, because he says nobody has had a peace talk standing up. When you sit down and lean back, it's harder to yell. When people yell, they lean forward and they put their finger in someone's face, pointing. So lean back and make it less exciting. Keep your hands at your side, or sit on them if you need to, so you won't shake your fist.

You need to try to buy some time and apologize to your girlfriend in advance and tell her that you're working on the problem. Work with her. Maybe she can come into some therapy sessions with you so that she feels validated and sees that it's your problem, and sees how she can work with you and not make it worse if she's still choosing to stay with you.

So again, you need to also make a map for yourself. Visualize what you would prefer to do. What view of people would you prefer to have and what people have not betrayed you? You need to get a little grocery cart of people who haven't betrayed you in your life, and that that's going to be the seeds of it. Which of what will eventually grow into a much better premise about people, that you can manage, people, that you like them, that you can stay away from the people that will harm you, but that there are very good people in the world, worthy of seeing.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

"I won't see you make him feel like a failure too. He won't be a failure if you push him, Jerry. I am what I am today because I was pushed and because I learned to push myself. You get that? He's not you? Do you get that?" That is from Good Will Hunting.

Think of the people who have pushed you in your life. Do you sit back now and say, "Oh, thank you so much for pushing me?" Some people will say that. You know, "I never would have practiced piano if Mom didn't force me. And now I love the piano." Other people say, "I hate the piano. My mother forced me." So you have to work with the individual, and I say that motivation by duty, by guilt, by fear backfires. None of us like to feel like we're driven through life with someone saying, "Did you do this? Did you do that? Oh, have you gone? You should go back to college. You should get a better job. You should do this." I mean, that's the critical parent. That's the nag. That's that person sometimes inside ourselves that we hate, that voice that we've carried from all of those external voices.

We internalize it, and we have that be our motivation. Then you wonder why so many of us procrastinate, because we're fighting that voice. We don't like to be pushed, but it's very different to be enticed to say, "I want to learn piano. I want a new job. I want to go to the gym."

I want that motivation by your love of values is so significantly different. So if you're trying to motivate yourself, try to find what you love about something, and motivate yourself to do it that way. That's what I had to do with the gym, and it worked like a gem. If you find that you're trying to find force to motivate yourself and say, "You know, I really want to love baseball, but I don't," and you really don't love baseball, then you don't have to pursue baseball. It helps you question the direction you're going in.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Understanding another person is not always easy. You come to understand your partner in layers. You see the obvious aspects first and gradually come to understand the deeper layers. This takes mental work. For example, you notice that your partner gets upset when you're away on business, but you might not discover until much later that this is tied to fears of abandonment stemming from a traumatic childhood or a former cheating spouse. Your partner might not even be aware of such a fear if not much time has been spent introspecting. If you keep listening, observing, and talking, you will gradually come to know your partner more intimately. And assuming no surprising negatives are uncovered, you will feel much closer as a result.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.