The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here's somebody, Eddy, who has a problem in romance. Dear Dr. Kenner, two years ago, I drank too much at a family event and was unfaithful to Jill, my girlfriend of one month. I kissed and had intimacy with Mary, who is related to my sister by marriage. I confessed to Jill at the time. However, there are still tensions. When my sister visits, she mentions Mary—not to hurt my girlfriend, Jill, but because she and Mary are good buddies. My sister says that she is not going to fake or lie or walk on eggshells and pretend that Mary doesn't exist just because of my infidelity. She doesn't feel she's being disrespectful to Jill either. However, Jill becomes livid and rude and calls me a coward for not telling my sister to never mention Mary. Jill and I are planning on moving in together, and I asked her if I could invite my sister over for Christmas. She would be staying with us. Jill initially said yes, but then said no, my sister couldn't visit until the spring.

Here's the problem: Jill and I never worked through the infidelity. The event wasn't planned or desired, and if I could undo it all, I would. However, I can't. I'm ashamed it happened, and I've made every effort to make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't interact or speak to Mary. She has no bearing in my life. If my sister mentions her, that's her business. It has no effect on me. However, Jill feels differently. She feels that bringing up Mary, by bringing up Mary, my sister is disrespecting her. I don't think this is the case. It's causing a huge rift in our lives. We've discussed the event only a couple of times, but I think by having my sister around, Jill can't hide it, and all of the emotions come back up. I've asked Jill multiple times to speak with a professional or join me in counseling. So far, she's refused, and she also refuses to talk with my sister directly and says that I need to do that to help me with this.

Eddy, I think you're on target when any of us feel betrayed, especially if we feel betrayed by the one we love. It can penetrate very deeply. You know, why don't they love me? Is it me? Or how could I have trusted him? Or can I trust him in the future? Your mind just gets bogged down with all these questions, and it's an awful, awful feeling. It feels like your world implodes on you. It affects your view of what? It affects your view of trust in a relationship. It affects your view of yourself. It affects your view of your partner, and it basically affects your view of your future. Can I have romance in my future? So, you sound like you've already done some healing because, hey, you're only dating for one month, and Jill's still with you, but it sounds like there's still more to do. And that's the good part, that you're acknowledging that your sister mentioning Mary is actually a trigger, bringing up some unfinished business.

Now your sister could have more empathy. That wouldn't be a bad idea, and you guys have the right to draw boundaries, but I can talk about that in a minute. So, one of the things that you can do if she won't go to therapy is you can get books. One of them is "After the Affair" by Janice Abrams Spring. You can get that at my website, DrKenner.com, and it's healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. Granted, it was only a one-shot deal, so the repair may be easier, but it won't be easier if you let it just stay dormant, and neither of you are able to talk about this very difficult topic or get some resolution to it over the years and move on. Then there's another book, "Getting Past the Affair," that you can also take a look at. Or you may find some books on your own, but they give you specific ways to heal the hurt, and I think that would be very helpful if Jill would be willing to read those. Also, working with one another to consciously repair the damage—not just assume that it will happen with time. You know, time heals all wounds. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. And if she's feeling not valued, if she's feeling very defensive, if she feels like you're not defending her, then you want to work together and come up with some solutions to those moments.

For example, if...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more of what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? "The Selfish Path to Romance." That is interesting.

You want to work together and come up with some solutions to those moments. For example, if your sister's over and she mentions this woman again, Mary, you could say, "You know, it's better if you don't mention that here," or "I'd prefer that you not mention that here." Or you could pull her aside. If you do it in front of Jill, I think Jill would feel supported. Now maybe you do do that, but if you just say, "I'm staying out of this," then Jill may not feel supported. So the two of you want to work together and figure out a way that works for both of you. You also want to kind of—and you probably have done this many times over—but imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned. If Jill had had intimacy and kissed somebody at a family event who was still part of the extended family, and then you get together with one of her relatives, her sister, and her sister keeps bringing up this person because she's friends with her, this guy—you know, how would you feel? I think when you put yourself in the other person's shoes, really allow yourself to get there, that's healthy too.

One other thing you can do is, in the book "After the Affair," it talks about high-cost and low-cost behaviors to repair any damage done. In the category of high-cost behavior, it might be seeing your sister apart from Jill—just connecting with her occasionally but not letting her come in the house. That might be one of the consequences. But you guys would work on that. Then you want to be able to move on. It sounds like Jill could use some assertiveness skills. She needs to give herself a voice if she wants to. Again, you can't force this. But if she could learn how not aggressively to get livid but to say, "If Sue, if your sister brings up this woman, Mary, you could—let's say your sister's name is Sue—you know, Sue, if Jill could say to her, 'You know, Sue, when you mention Mary, it brings me back to the trauma of feeling betrayed. I wish it didn't, but that is one of the consequences of that event. My guess is you've had situations in your own life where you've been hurt to the core, and you don't enjoy reminders of them during a joyous holiday celebration. I would so appreciate your sharing your information about Mary with others privately and not in my presence. I'd like to feel closer to you, and perhaps if you understood the pain I went through and respected it, maybe we could get closer.'"

And then you want to strengthen your love with Jill. The last point: you want to focus on the playfulness and the connection and really make that strong. And I have a book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, "The Selfish Path to Romance." You can check that out at SelfishRomance.com.

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Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are a few more assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively:

Pause to let your partner digest what you have said. Give your partner time to think, ask questions, and respond. Do not demand that your partner give you an answer or an apology right then and there.

Share the air time. It's not fair to sit down to dinner and expect your partner to listen to your complaints and concerns nonstop for an hour. Remember that both listening and assertiveness should be used by both partners, nor is your partner your therapist. If you feel desperately overburdened with problems, seek professional counseling.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" at Amazon.com.