The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Chris: Your girlfriend has lost some romantic interest in you?

Mary: Yes.

Chris: Tell me what's going on.

Mary: Okay, we've been dating for about six months, and things have been going well up until about the last couple of months, sexually. The other night, you know, we were talking, and she explained to me that this has happened in her past, in all her relationships. She starts developing intimate feelings, falling in love, and when she has those feelings, she loses all her sexual interest in that person.

Chris: Okay, well, doesn't that sound against everything we've ever been told? Typically, the closer you get, the more intimate you can be. However, you guys have been dating for six months, so sometimes, guess what happens? You just don’t have that desire anymore.

Mary: Yeah, sometimes it just fades into the background. It’s boring.

Chris: Boredom would be one reason. What might be another reason?

Mary: I know she has a little bit of depression. She’s on some medication for it, but I was wondering if that might be part of it.

Chris: Yeah, well, whatever’s causing the depression, if she doesn’t, for example—first, she’d need to rule out a medical issue. Some medications can tamper with your sex drive, so she should check to make sure it's not just a medical thing, and that it is psychological. But if it’s psychological, and if she’s depressed, what’s she depressed about? What do you think might be the core issue?

Mary: I mean, I don’t know. It might stem back from something in her past. She’s told me a lot about her time in the Navy—being a female in the Navy and having to act like “one of the guys” to fit in. There are some things she believes happened while she was in the service that contribute to her issues. She said that everything was fine until she joined the Navy. Since then, every time she gets into a romantic relationship, as soon as she starts falling in love, she loses all her sexual desire. This has cost her every relationship she's been in.

Chris: So, this started after her time in the Navy, and before that, she didn’t have this problem?

Mary: No.

Chris: Okay, that’s an important piece of the puzzle. What might she have been telling herself while in the Navy? If she told herself, “I can’t be super feminine around all these guys; I need to be like one of them,” what might she have trained her mind to do?

Mary: Maybe to suppress her femininity?

Chris: Yes. And if she felt she needed to act like she wasn’t attracted to certain people around her, that would be suppressing her sexuality. In a situation like that, you might heighten attraction because it’s forbidden, but also train yourself not to act on those feelings. This is the type of work she could address in cognitive therapy if she had a good therapist—a cognitive therapist, which is basically “thinking therapy.” She could visit my website, DrKenner.com, where there's a link to find cognitive therapists nationwide. If she could listen to her thoughts as she tries to feel sexy around you, that might reveal what’s going on. Sometimes, emotions are wordless, but learning to translate them into words can help.

Mary: She might be afraid of intimacy or of getting hurt again, I suppose.

Chris: Absolutely. There could be several reasons, including past influences, perhaps even childhood or religious teachings about sexuality. Many people struggle to create a satisfying sexual style because they don’t communicate openly about it. I co-authored a book with Ed Locke that has several chapters on intimacy, emotional closeness, and building vulnerability in a relationship. Does she say she wants to work on this with you?

Mary: Yes, she’s mentioned wanting to get help.

Chris: That’s wonderful. Emotional intimacy can be very sexy. We also address issues like anger or feeling judged, which can subvert sexual pleasure. I wish we had more time, but I hope this helps, Chris. Thank you for calling.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, on the rational basis of happiness.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

“If you want to see me, you will not do this. Make an appointment.”

If you're dealing with OCD—checking the door or stove too many times, praying repetitively, or washing your hands excessively—it's possible to work on addressing these compulsions. You don’t have to feel powerless to change something within yourself that is changeable. This show is about the power of thinking, which is at the core of making personal changes.

For more of Dr. Kenner’s podcasts, visit DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Romance Guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"People want to be loved for specific reasons. It’s up to each partner to identify why they love the other and to communicate it. Love has causes. Not just any cause will do, though. Egoistic love—the only real kind of love—is not a selfless gift; it’s a trade, meaning it must be earned.”

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy the book on Amazon.com.