The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I met a friend, Julie, at college. I recently discovered she lied to me several times. First, she never told me that she was married. Second, she never told me that she had kids. Third, she led me to believe that she was in a particular program in college, and I learned that she had left it. It hurt me so much to discover that she lied. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for this. She doesn't know that I've discovered her lies. I'm about to call her. I have a feeling that she's going to tell me that she hates me and hang up on me. I don't know what to do.

Jeanette.

Now, Jeanette, I wish you had given me a lot more context here. I don't know the context of your relationship. I don't know whether you were a close friend for months or years, or whether you just met her. I don't know whether you saw her once a week at the gym and chatted there, or whether you were in a same-sex relationship with her, which would obviously be a lot more significant. So, not knowing the level of your friendship, whether you chatted about the friendship, or whether you confided your deepest personal, private secrets to her, things that are very embarrassing, makes a big difference in this situation.

So first, when you hear that someone has lied, don't assume it's true. Judge your source. Don't make the mistake that Othello in Shakespeare made. He had a very good friend, Iago, who told him that his girlfriend, Othello's girlfriend Desdemona, the woman he was passionately in love with, was cheating on him. Now Iago, his best friend, is the source, and it totally destroys Othello and Desdemona's relationship, and it turned out that Iago is one of the most evil people in literature. Iago, pretending to be a best friend, set Othello up, and both Desdemona and Othello die. It's a Shakespeare tragedy, obviously. So you want to make sure that the people giving you the information are people that you trust.

Then, assuming that Julie did lie, ask yourself, is there any possible rational explanation for it? Now, I don't come up with any for the ones that you mentioned, except for maybe she worked for the FBI, or she's an undercover agent working at the school. And that sounds far-fetched, but it's still possible. If there's no context that would justify her lie, if she just lied to get your friendship, which you would never have given her if you knew she was married with kids and not enrolled in school, then you're in the driver's seat. Your discovery of her lies doesn't reflect on your character at all, and that's really important. Your discovery that someone else is a liar is not a reflection on you. It tells you that she is not to be trusted, because what is the value in having a friend who lies? You'll always be guessing. What else did she lie about? What will she do with the information I told her about myself? Will she spread false rumors about me? Will she disclose that very personal information about me?

So you want to make a decision on what to say. You may start by calling her and first exploring, just saying to her, "Help me understand." Or, if when you're talking with her, say, "Julie, what significant details about yourself are you keeping? Are you hiding from me?" And then just pause. If she says nothing, then you can say, "Julie, why are you doing this? How do you benefit by not telling me that you're married, that you have kids, and that you're not even in the program?" If she says, "Who told you?" Notice this is a huge distracter. You don't have to tell her your source. She's trying to shift the focus away from the fact that she lied. If she says what you predict, "I hate you," and she hangs up on you, then you're not the object of her hate. She's the object of her own hate. There, you caught her lying, and liars don't like to be caught, and so they act, they project out. They try to make you look like the problem.

So observe her response very carefully. Don't take it as a reflection of your character, and whatever words she utters—if she tells you that you're lousy and you did this—if it's not true, if you know that's not true about your character, don't take it to heart. Then cut your losses. Dump her. You don't need to see hateful people in your life. You don't want to clutter your life with them. If she's got a lousy character, there's nothing to be gained by befriending her.

So you can also do one of two other things. One is that you can feel free to let other people know that she lied because her reputation must be earned, and if she's lied, you have a right to warn good people that she lies. You can protect honest people from her true character. If you were in a same-sex relationship, a romantic relationship with her, you can even call her husband and disclose what she's done. You never have to protect a liar from the consequences of their lies. In fact, you've got a moral obligation to yourself to protect yourself, and then if there are people that you value, to protect them too, and even an innocent bystander, or if you think her husband's a victim, let him know too.

Last thing, don't let this experience with Julie ever undermine your desire for friendships. You want to learn from hindsight vision. How did she deceive you? Did she lie by omission? She just never told you things that you never questioned. Well, next time you want to be a better judge of character, ask those questions about family and about the career programs, kids. You want to be able to help yourself distinguish better between honest people and people who lie. Sometimes it's unavoidable because people who lie make it an art, a skill, a science of how to deceive without being caught. So sometimes you can't blame yourself.

So let's see, turning on to an article that I read. This was an article by Lawrence Miller, and it's about intimacy and family time. It's from a magazine called "Law and Order." And what happens if you're a police officer, you've been married for 12 years with kids, and for 11 years you've been a law enforcement agent, and you've got some family problems? Now you've got problems with intimacy. Your wife wants you to pay more attention to her and to the kids, and you feel totally emotionally drained, but you do love them. It's not like you've got a honey on the side.

So what happens in that situation? That's the scenario that's painted in this example that's given in this article, and they bring up some very important points. One, if you're in a very stressful job, it takes a toll on you emotionally, and you may need some downtime to just de-process at the end of the day. You may need to just sit and watch TV or have some private time alone, and you're not ready for family life at that point. So you need time to decompress, to recharge your battery, to get refreshed.

And number two, it could be that you are working so hard, so many long hours for so long to avoid some real problems that you have. You might have some intimacy problems, and you use overtime or work as an escape to avoid the family, to avoid marital stresses.

So what is the solution offered in the article?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So what is the solution offered in the article? First, explain the situation to your wife and your kids. Tell them if you do need time to decompress, that you need that, and set up a specific time. You know, maybe when you come home for a half hour, you'll decompress, you'll sit down, or take a walk or bike ride or do something by yourself.

And then the article suggests—I thought this was cute—you need a dose of family time. Set aside a couple of hours each week, maybe for an outing or an activity you like. That's not a chore. And then increase the level and frequency of the dose of being with the family. So you want—you have a right to occasionally pull back when you feel real stress because of work, but come up with some activities on your own that you would enjoy, that the family would also enjoy. Don't make it just yours.

Make sure you preserve time for family events such as birthdays and anniversaries because those are typically very important to kids or spouses. So you want to—the article suggests that you be very proactive. You want to spend a reasonable amount of time with your family so the kids won't feel they need to chase you to prove that they're loved or that you love them, and then you may actually have more free time for yourself because they may not feel so angry; they may not have the bitterness at home.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Ellen Kenner and co-author Edwin Locke.

Unreasonable resistance involves manufacturing ploys to avoid thinking or evading the subject. I'm right, you're wrong. Period. Unreasonable resistance means your partner is not simply misunderstanding you, but also refusing to understand you, refusing to grant validity to your carefully reasoned arguments, refusing to acknowledge relevant facts, refusing to consider alternatives, refusing to focus on solving the problem at all, refusing to use ways to rationally compromise. It means your partner is beyond reason, is evading the facts, and is acting on the basis of some irrational emotion, such as fear.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at amazon.com.