The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Harold, welcome to the show.

We have a connection, I think that's bad, maybe due to rain.

Good morning, Doctor.

Oh, good morning to you.

Yeah, tell me what's on your mind.

Well, I have a situation with my spouse, and you know, it's hard to tell when you have to cross a line and not trust them. Specific incident is someone calls the house. I hang up, you call back, you speak to the gentleman. You give the phone to your spouse, and they act like they don't know the person. You call the person back and you say, "How'd you get the phone number?" "Oh, she gave it to me." So somebody's lying?

Okay, how long have you been married?

15 years—18, yep—and it's been terrible for about eight.

And terrible for eight. What went on? What, 10 years ago?

Or eight years ago?

It started off as just drifting apart, leaping apart,

with, you know, withdrawn anger.

Whose anger?

Hers—always very, very angry.

She's angry. Okay. What's the essence of her anger to the best of your knowledge, in a nutshell?

If I were to guess, yeah, I have a feeling that she hates her life. She uses the word "hate" a lot. She told one of my children that she hated the house and she could—she'd burn it down.

She's unhappy with her own life. That's what it seems like.

Okay. Very unhappy with herself.

Okay. But she was happy for 10 years? Or no, is that not the case?

It seemed that way. You know, it started off as a very fiery in-love marriage. It was wonderful for a while. And actually, after each kid, it got worse.

Okay, what role do you think you play in this?

What I do is I just make it worse.

Okay. How do you accomplish that?

Well, because I try to push the resolution.

Okay, in what way that would be non-productive?

Well, she does—if I go to talk to her about it, ask her what's wrong, she locks herself in the bathroom.

Okay.

It just seems to make her more angry. If you want to bring her closer, like, you know, talking about why things are the way they are, you just make it worse. I've actually served her twice, both times after she asked to reconcile, but you know, within 30 days, it's back to the same old way.

Okay. Are you happy being married to her?

Not anymore at all.

Do you want a divorce?

I don't know. I’ll be honest with you. I want it to be—I want this marriage to be over. Either I want it to be a wonderful marriage or I want it to be over. I think that what I am guilty of is that I don't know if I can trust her.

Okay. Well, sounds like you've got some evidence. You've got the hang-up call. How many times did that happen?

That's happened once. But there was another phone call, maybe eight years ago, where I got on at the same time, and the guy was saying, "Oh, you remember me. I was all over you," you know.

And you weren't the one all over him?

No.

Okay, you said something—?

I'm sorry, me, for thinking something.

Okay. But sometimes when people are real angry, it means they're guilty. They're guilty of this—the accusation they're making towards you, right? Did you say she—she’s not happy with her own life? And then I thought you said something that I could barely hear. What’s the worst thing that you said? Did she want to burn the house down or so?

She mentioned to one of my kids that she hated the house and she was running down—like she could—

Okay, this is real serious. Wow. And she told this to your kids? I mean, that's scary. If my mom told me she hated the house and wanted to burn our house down, I'd have nightmares.

Well, that's why I am at the point that I am right now.

When did she get that bad? When did she start threatening to burn the house?

Well, a few weeks ago. I don't know. You know, I guess it's hard to tell whether she—you know, that's something she's threatening to do or she's just, like, angry, saying something stupid.

Okay, but regardless, even when I'm real angry, that stupid thought doesn't cross my mind. And the fact that it even crossed her mind makes me concerned. How old are your kids?

Two teenagers and a 10-year-old.

Two teenagers. And who did she tell?

The youngest.

Okay. So there's multiple things going on here. So part of the problem with taking a situation in your life like this that has such major implications for you—it's your romantic life, you're in a parent partnership with your wife. So it's the whole situation with being the parent and the kids. It's your career. It's the financial nest egg you might have built up. You know, there are so many top values at stake here, and you're wondering whether you even want to stay with her because of the trust issue. And that's what you're calling me about initially, is the trust issue. So first I would say is—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is! The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

—and you're wondering whether you ever want to stay with her because of the trust issue. And that's what you're calling me about initially, is the trust issue.

So first, I would say, is to name all the evidence. You have to list it on paper—but then you can shred it if you think she'll find it and it will end up in a legal court battle. Take the time to put down on paper all the evidence you have that leads you to not trust her. Not just things you think may have happened, but details—like that phone call is an excellent example. Or if she's dressing up and losing weight and going out more frequently, absences, perfume that she didn't wear, items that you didn't give her that are gifts to her, numbers in her pocket, whatever. And you can ask her directly again. And I wouldn't run away from her anger. You have a right to know what's going on in your—in quotes—intimate relationship.

Now, if you think that she's really losing it and she's about to escalate, then something else kicks in—the safety factor. Is she going to burn down the house, or is that just something she said in a fiery heat, just because she was angry? But why did she tell it to the kids? You know, that's just so inappropriate. That's scary stuff that kids do get nightmares about.

So this is your life, and you're trying to take it down a path that's good for you, fundamentally. And that means that you preserve good relations with your kids, that you're there as a supportive dad. Are you doing that right now, Harold?

Yes. Oh yeah. I'm very—

Okay, so if you've got a good connection with them, let them know that there's some trouble behind the scenes. Don't try to fake it with them. Do they know that there's trouble?

Well, they—you know, my older ones are always like—they call me a wuss. They call me pancake. There’s no marshmallow.

Okay, you don't want to be that anymore. So don't back down with the anger. I would get therapy for yourself. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and look up "Academy" or on the website AcademyOfCT.org—that's CognitiveTherapy.org—and see if you can get a cognitive therapist in your area.

You want to make sure that you're lovable, that you don't have any drinking problems or drugging, or that you have good values in your life. Do you have a job you like?

Oh yes.

Okay. This may be the situation where she's unhappy in the relationship, hasn't learned how to communicate, and doesn't know how to pull things together—and maybe made some bad choices and had an affair. If that's the case, if she had an affair, and you want to know how to rebuild the trust, get the book on my website by Janis Abrahms Spring. It's After the Affair. It's about building trust after a partner has been unfaithful. If she doesn't want to do the work, then you are moving towards divorce, right? So that will give you some clarity.

But basically, you want to value your life and not be a marshmallow, as your kids say. But don't go to the other extreme and be a bully either—like we heard at the beginning with the Back to the Future clip. You want to be solid and have your own confidence.

Thank you so much for calling on The Rational Basis of Happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this nugget—

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

What practical steps can you take to make sure that intimacy is a priority and not a duty?

Start by always promoting strong emotional intimacy and visibility. Find ways to reduce fatigue. Discover the best ways to create a romantic mood. Set aside private time. Make sure you and your partner both experience pleasure so that intimacy will be something to look forward to. Share fantasies if both of you feel safe doing so.

Of course, as you age, your body still needs to be able to cooperate. Some factors are more controllable. You cannot control your actual age, but you can have some influence on how well your body functions as you get older. Regular exercise, healthy diet, stress reduction, and getting enough sleep are all important to your physical and emotional well-being.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.