The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

And right before the break, we were talking with Cody. Cody, are you still there?

Yes.

Yeah, Cody, you said that you're in the military. You were in the Persian Gulf for a period of time, and you got married in June, and since that time, the romance has gone down, and your wife seems to have become, in your words, anal. She's picking on you for really petty stuff, like leaving a glass next to the bedstand or something, and she wakes you up at 3am to put it away.

Yes, ma'am.

And so you're trying to figure out what's going on. Can you give me one more example of something that she does that just irritates you and just doesn't make sense on the surface?

Hmm, right off the top of my head… probably whenever there's like… wow, my mind just went completely blank.

Okay, but she does things along that line, right?

Yeah.

Okay. Right before the break, I asked you to do some of the detective work, and you and I have been doing some of that together, like, when did it begin? What might she feel is not fair? What are her concerns? You said that she fears that you may cheat on her, and she has no evidence for it. You have never done that, right? And you don't have a history of having done that in other relationships. And she, you think, has a clean slate—she hasn't cheated on you or isn't thinking of cheating on you, okay? Because many times, partners accuse the other partner of cheating when they're planning to do it, or they have cheated. But you don't think that's the case with her.

Well, I mean, I've had doubts. Like, I guess it was because everybody was just saying it. But whenever I was overseas, all of my friends were like—all the guys that I was there with were always telling me that my, you know, my fiancée was back home and, you know, was cheating on me. And at the time, they were just messing around, but I guess they didn't realize how big of an impact it has once you hear it for so long.

So they told you that she was cheating on you?

Yeah, just playing with me after, you know, I had—I always had pictures of her up on my locker and in my—

So they were being cruel. They were like, busting around. But that's a cruel type of busting around. Now it—you said it had an effect on you?

Yeah, after a while.

Did you start accusing her?

No, ma'am, I never accused her of it. I never, you know, I never really thought about it. And then, after—whenever I got home, I seen pictures of her birthday party that they went on, and one of the guys that I know—and she's known, she knew all through her college years—she was sitting on his lap, and he had his arm around her.

Okay, and so how did that affect your relationship with her?

Well, I never really said anything about it. I asked her one time, I was like, "Well, did you and Steven, you know, do anything while I was gone?" And she said, "No, I've never done anything with Steve." So I left it at that, you know, I believe her. I trust her 100%.

Okay, it's just that thought of, you know, that's always in the back of my mind—"Well, could she have done it and just be lying to me about it?"

Okay, so you don't trust her 100%. There is a question mark there for you.

Yeah, a little bit.

And what would be the harm in just talking with her and saying, "You know, the guys were busting me about you cheating, and I just blew it off because I knew that wasn't the case. But when I saw this particular picture, it raised the question. It raised it, and I haven't been able to dismiss it. Help me understand what went on that night."

That would probably help.

Okay, just to draw it out, rather than to just try to bury it. Because if you bury it, it remains an unanswered question. And you never want an unanswered question in a romantic relationship. So the skill is to draw her out. Notice I didn't attack her. And if she did cheat, that may be one of the reasons she's picking on you. Because when people feel guilty, they act real bizarre. They act strange, you know, and they are strange. And sometimes they accuse the other person of doing precisely what they did. I've seen that many times in therapy, when couples come in and, "Oh, she's cheating on me," or "He's cheating on me," and then it turns out that the person accusing is the one that has cheated or has been thinking about cheating, and that's why it comes to the forefront.

So in doing the detective work, did you think of anything in her past that may lead her to act the way she's doing?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it—a very quick avenue. We'll be back.

Romance—oh, oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Romance Guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

So in doing the detective work, did you think of anything in her past that may lead her to act the way she's doing?

Well, I know that she was cheated on in high school.

Okay.

And also, like, we have the internet, yeah, and I have friends from—that I grew up in a really small town, and she grew up in a really big town. And in a small town, you know everybody.

Yeah.

And in, you know, big towns, you don't.

Yeah.

Well, I have friends from high school that are girls, and, you know, I talk to them, and she worries because she says that she is gaining weight and things like that, and that she's really insecure that I'm going to go out and find some—or, you know, hook up with some of my high school friends or something like that whenever we go back to Texas.

Okay. And Steve is a high school friend or a college—was he a high school friend of hers?

College.

Oh, college friend. Now she's worried that you may do that?

Yeah.

Okay, so that raises another question. Maxie, it's so good if you can open this subject up with her. How much weight has she put on?

About 40 pounds.

Holy mackerel, that much?

Yes. I think she's really depressed and she doesn't know it.

Okay. Listen, I was going to recommend—there are anger workout books that, if she were interested in, they're self-help books that she could get. One is called The Anger Control Workbook by Matthew McKay and other authors. And Peter—actually, Peter—pardon?

I think I was just seeing that on your—

Okay, then. Well, there’s another one—Dr. Weisinger’s Anger Workout Book—both workbooks. So if she wanted to work on her anger, if you wanted to do it together, she could do that.

If you think it's deeper—if you think that the anger is a symptom of depression, that she's gaining the weight, she's insecure, she's insecure about the relationship—then I would recommend that she get some personal therapy, and you could get couples therapy together. I would try cognitive therapy because they teach a lot of good skills. There's a website—The Academy of Cognitive Therapy—cognitivetherapy.org—you can go to. They list therapists around the country, actually around the world. So, Academy of CT—you may try. There are books on my website, DrKenner.com, such as one of the ones that I think is the Bible: Mind Over Mood by Christine Padesky and Dennis Greenberger.

Okay.

And already I've given you too much. You just need to focus on one thing, but I would first focus on drawing her out. One other thing that I have forgotten to talk about, but I actually wrote a course that is with Dr. Ed Locke, and it's called Romance: Bringing Love and Sex Together, and that’s available through the AynRandBookstore.com—oh, it’s on my website too, DrKenner.com—so that’s a very good resource if you're looking to preserve and strengthen a romantic relationship.

Okay, well, I’m sitting here cruising your website as we speak.

Okay, so you should be able to find those. But the goal is to open up the conversation with her, draw her out, try to get to the core of her anger and her concerns. That's called active listening. And my guess is that you have some responses to that too, and you need to take care of yourself.

So thank you so much for calling, Cody, and let me know how things work out.

All right, I will. Thank you, ma’am.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

A number of factors undermine sexual arousal and enjoyment. Anger and resentment are romance destroyers, so obviously they are sex destroyers, too. In a Newsweek cover story, “No Sex, Please, We’re Married,” one woman said, “I get angry because he doesn’t help around the house enough, or with the kids. He sees the groceries sitting on the counter—why doesn’t he take them out of the bag and put them away? How can I get sexy when I’m ticked off all the time?” Observe that helping is one of this woman’s love languages. It is important to have a mutually agreed upon division of labor regarding household chores, career, financial issues, and parenting responsibilities. This sets the proper context for a healthy sex life. When each partner feels that the other is fair and supportive, romance is much more likely to flourish.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.