The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

And right before the break, we were talking with James. James, you're in a real sticky situation in that it feels like you're wounded, you're traumatized. You just went through a divorce a week ago, and you notice that your wife is picking up and taking off with a friend of yours, a very good friend you've been close to for 23 years. Is that accurate? Yeah. And so you're just swimming in a pool of all sorts of emotions. I can imagine. You're depressed, you're angry, you're sad, you feel guilty, you feel rageful, maybe even at times, I don't know, tell me. Oh, yeah, all the feelings. And you've crossed the line, but you haven't gotten caught yet. You've been yelling at this guy and even threatening him, but you know enough not to go so far that you get a restraining order because you don't want to. Even with my ex, too, I've been doing the same to her. Okay?

So the first thing you need to do is to be very, very good to yourself long-range. You will not like that you did this threatening dance. If you can cut it out right as of now, you will like yourself much better. It's a better way to build self-respect. Now, what do you do with all these emotions? Well, first, you need to know that when you get hit with too many emotions, you've got to organize them. You've got to be good to your own subconscious. I remember recently hearing news that just sent me in a whirlwind like that, and I said, Okay, I know so much about psychology, I'm going to use it for myself. And the first emotion I'm feeling is sadness. So I let myself bawl my eyes out. I went into my bed to let myself cry for a while. I did that, and then I asked myself it because you release it then, yeah. Now, you don't want to bawl your eyes out and let it grow. You want to release it.

Yeah. I was kind of catatonic for like, two hours. I couldn't talk or anything. And that's your brain needs. Your mind needs to recognize that this is taking place, that this is a fact and that it is out of your control. Next, you need to grasp the point that, painful as it is, you don't own your wife or your friend, and that they legitimately could feel in love with one another, at least enough to want to try it out. Those are some of the most painful, painful situations. It doesn't mean that you're a bad guy. This guy was friends with you for 23 years, so you know you've got qualities to maintain a friendship. Do you feel betrayed? Yes. Do you feel like you may never want to speak with him again? Well, that may be the case; you'll still have your good memories, and those will be poignant. You may discover that you will speak with him later on down the line. But nobody owns a person. I couldn't tell the boyfriend that when I saw him giving another woman loving looks, and I just knew at a glance that that explained his behavior, his cool behavior towards me. I wish I had known at the time, I didn't then—I was at the University then—that I could tell myself, You don't own him. He has a right to be attracted to someone else. What he owes me is his honesty. If he did it behind my back, which I actually caught him secretive—yeah, if it's secretive, then that adds the deceit.

Then they were telling me I was wrong. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you're just, you're just imagining things, right, right? Oh, it would make me seem like I was crazy, but they're destroying their own character if they have done that, and they know that they're capable of that type of deceit; they live with that for the rest of their lives, that they're capable of that. So you don't need to fight a war with them, because,

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here. It is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

So, you don't need to fight a war with them, because their own subconscious will haunt them. That's all you need to do. You can try to explain, but you don't even need to explain it. It will happen. You know it will happen. You didn't deceive them. I'm assuming, if you're holding yourself accountable for not knowing how to milk and preserve a marriage, well, learn the skills, their skills. I gave. I told you about the book that I wrote with a co-author, exactly. I actually—we actually gave a course on that topic this past summer, which I think should be available, if not now, within the next month, and you could go to the Ayn Rand Bookstore.com. Right? A-Y-N, R-A-N-D, Bookstore.com, and you could order that, that course. You'll get the entire course that we gave in it. I'll tell you, it is very meaty.

Yeah, the worst thing was, like she’s out, like she's like, always, you know, "You should, should be over it," you know, she's with so and so, the person she left me for, and then right after that, was at a party. And then it all happened, okay, you need to find someone else. She is not the partner for you. It's not that you need her back to prove that you're a good person. Don't play that game. Many people play that self-esteem game, right? But imagine if she said, "Okay, I'm giving up this friend of 23 years, and I will stay—not the friend of yours—I’m giving up this friend, and I’m coming back to you even though I love someone else more than you," right? Would you want her back after all that?

I don't think so. No, if she's going to fake a love for you when she really loves someone else, I don’t want to be—I want to be loved by someone who sees me in center stage in his or her life, right?

The thing that hurt the most is I was getting lies, like straight-out lies. The lies are—they own those, not you. You were stung by those, and you will not be taken in by those two individuals anymore, and they've ruined their reputation. Because you can—you don't do it maliciously, but if it comes up in conversation, you just say, "Well, I know she's capable of deceit." And you also know she's a good person. You wouldn't have picked a louse, right? But she's capable of deceit. She could do it again. That will haunt their relationship. When people have cheated on a spouse, they come in and tell me, "You know, well, I could cheat. I wonder if my partner's cheating on me, or my partner wonders if I'll cheat on him too." So they don't—you don't get away scot-free with this stuff. You're—so, but I would let them go. Let them go, have whatever life they have. Find different friends, better friends. We're not going to deceive you, and move on with your life. You can learn the skills to manage and to preserve a wonderful relationship in the future. Look for someone else for yourself after giving yourself some time to recover.

So thank you so much for your phone call, James.

Thank you, and I hope that reduces some of the massive emotions that you were feeling.

Oh, sure. Well, thank you very much.

Okay, you're welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

There are two errors about sex that make it degrading. Number one, the spiritual view, because it regards your body as sinful. And number two, the physical view, because it divorces sex from your consciousness, your knowledge, your emotions, and your character. The spiritual view leaves you feeling shame, guilt, and regret about the sex act, evading the fact that sex is fundamental to a romantic relationship. The physical view trivializes sex and turns it into a meaningless animal act. It implies that sex is divorced from you and your partner's deepest values. It also implies that it doesn't matter who your partner is—but of course, it does matter. Sex itself is not bad or meaningless, but the wrong views that many people hold about it are.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com