The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

Before the break, I talked about a married woman who has fallen in love with a younger student. See what you think about this and what advice you'd give her.

Hello! Please help me, Dr. Kenner, I fell in love with a young man who is 10 years younger than I am. He is 20 and I'm 30. What's more, I am married, and I have a son, and I'm a teacher at the university where he studies. You see, my husband doesn't love me anymore. Sometimes he behaves like a beast. Although he treats me badly, he loves our child. I'm looking forward to hearing from you, Marie.

Marie, when you're in a damaged, bad marriage, or a rotten marriage, or in a marriage with a man who's acting like a beast, it's very easy to look outwards and get swept away in the heat of sexual and romantic feelings that are nonexistent in your own marriage. So, when you say that you have fallen in love with a younger man, I don't think it's a clean test yet. I think that anybody who would pay you more attention than your husband, especially someone who is a little amorous, available, and warm—and of course, this guy, if he's only 20 years old, hasn't had a lifetime of dating experience—it’s easy to get swept away in that.

Now, I'm not saying that this relationship would fail or should fail, because I even know of cases where someone older has married someone much younger, and it's worked out beautifully. And I've also known cases in therapy where the reverse has happened. It starts out well, but then the age discrepancy becomes more important as you get older. So you want to give yourself the benefit of thinking of the consequences of acting on your gut emotions and on your future, because four or five areas are at stake.

Your marriage is at stake. Your relationship with your son and your son's health are at stake—his mental health. Your career is at stake. If it's against ethical standards to have a relationship with a student, even if he isn't your own, then that will raise a lot of eyebrows and maybe cause you to lose your job. I don't know what the rules are at your university. Your relationship with your family and friends might change dramatically if they know that you're with someone 10 years younger, especially a woman being with a man 10 years younger. It's more socially acceptable for it to go the other way. When the guy you’re with is the same age as their sons or daughters, it becomes a little awkward with a romantic relationship. That's also an area that's at stake because if he is 10 years younger, then he may be swept away with you, and then, as you start to age, he might look for younger women or there may be problems. He’s not as experienced.

There are a lot of factors that you need to think about. Now, I want to spend a moment on your marriage.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Now, I want to spend a moment on your marriage. When you just toss out that your husband behaves like a beast, it doesn't give me any specifics. If it means he's physically abusive, then you need to get out of that relationship. You need therapy right away. If it means he drinks, he gambles, he has affairs—things that you don't do, you're leading a relatively clean life—then you want to decide, do you want? Why not get a divorce? What's preventing you? Is it the same thing that's preventing you from acting on your gut feelings, which I'm not recommending with this romantic relationship? Is it that you're afraid to discombobulate things with your son or that your husband may act vindictively and try to take custody of your son? Is that what's driving you?

If your husband’s psychologically belittling or demeaning or sexually intrusive, if it's one-sided, and it’s always his way, and that's what you mean by "beast," I can picture that. Then you want to seriously look at getting a divorce from him. You can try marriage counseling because I have seen cases that are on the verge of divorce. Anybody—a normal person—would say, "Oh my God, it will never last," and yet the couple’s able to mend things. There’s a context that they have that outsiders don’t. So you could try therapy, but if you're already beyond the point of therapy, then I suggest you seriously look towards getting divorced before you act on these feelings towards this younger guy.

You also may be exaggerating your husband's faults because you found someone who's tempting. He's younger. He's taken an interest in you. He's showing you a lot of care and attention. And so suddenly, by contrast, you might tend to exaggerate what's wrong with your husband. Don’t do that. You know, if you're doing that, monitor for it and stop it.

So with the marriage, you can look at what's your role in it. You know, has it always been a problem? Was it when you had a child? If you're in an abusive relationship, as I said, get help right away. If you're afraid of being on your own, many women are. They're afraid to go through there, or maybe they don't want to go through the hassle of a divorce process, or maybe you worry about custody issues. Then get some personal counseling for yourself so you can have someone be a guide for you, to help you through the process.

Your life is your prime goal, your happiness, your life. But you can't act on whim. It doesn't give you a blank check to act on unanalyzed emotions or whim, and the effect on your child may be significant. You can also get a book on my website, Drkenner.com, by Florence Bienenfeld, which is Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce.

So, age can be a big issue too. I'll spend a moment on age. Now, you don’t know this guy on a living basis. You're still in what you would call the infatuation stage. So this may be a passing interest to him. He may be very flattered to be loved by an older, more experienced woman, and it may have that daring or that taboo feel because you’re married. He may feel like he's a rescuer, getting you out of a bad marriage. And if you base your relationship on that, that's not a solid foundation for a relationship.

If you did leave your marriage and marry him at age 20, 21, or 22, he might discover he hasn’t had enough dating experience and feels trapped. He may feel like your child is baggage to him, and you may find that his eyes wander to a younger woman. That's not to say that will happen, but there’s a probability that it could. I've seen it happen many times. Again, I've also seen good cases, but they’re much more rare.

So if you're unhappy in your marriage and it's beyond trying to work things out, then I would look towards divorce. This is a wake-up call. Use this guy as a friend, but don’t lead him on to make it feel exclusive. Let him live his life too. If you do get divorced, then you need to work out each of the details of what that 10-year age discrepancy and the fact that he's a student would mean in both of your lives. Think it through clearly. And, of course, consider what impact it would have on your job if he's your student. That is a major problem. You’ll need to think about all the ethical implications.

Of course, it doesn't mean it's a total no. I've known cases where it has worked, but that is a very difficult situation, and you're rattling a lot of other values in your life to make that decision.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"Randy, remember that last weekend we had—remember what we talked about? We talked about a lot of things."

"I mean, about my getting at a boss."

"We didn't talk about it, Jeff, you did. You didn't really believe me, did you?"

They got it on a long-playing record now: "Music to string her along by. My wife doesn't understand me. We haven’t gotten along for years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

"That's enough, friend. Just trust me, baby, we'll work it out somehow."

Now, that is a great method. What she's feeling, from the movie The Apartment—a very old movie, but she’s feeling very manipulated. Of course, she got herself into this position; she's in an affair. But notice, she buys into him. "Trust me, honey, we'll work it out." She buys into all those lines, and at a certain point, the weight of all those lines becomes conclusive. He's lying. He's not going to leave his wife. He's not in an unhappy marriage, or he just wants her as a side dish in his life. And she names the issue, even though he tells her to hush up, you know, "Don't worry about