The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Yesterday, I took the high-speed Acela express train from Providence into New York City, and I had a fabulous time. When I got off the train at night, I came back to Rhode Island. I needed to buy a ticket for this coming Monday; I'm going into Connecticut, and you better believe I'm going by train. There was this striking woman in the line in front of me. She was wearing this long, silky black dress that had some see-through spots around her waist. She was striking. I mean, you just don't expect to walk into a train terminal, stand in line, and see people with their suitcases or people looking a little tired, but not to see a gorgeous woman dressed with diamond earrings and gorgeous hair. You can think Angelina Jolie, and she's right in front of me.

So, I asked her, you know, what's the occasion? She said that she and her boyfriend—she pointed to him—who was wearing a Scottish kilt outfit—were heading to the opera in Boston. And she said, "You know, we've never been to the opera, and we thought this would be a wonderful date, and I wanted to dress up for it." It was a strapless gown; she was just very beautiful.

As she's standing in line in front of me, she's next in line. Her boyfriend comes to her and says, "I got the tickets!" with this British accent from the automated machine. So, they got out of the line. I got in. I was the next one in line. I started to make my purchase, and he returned beat red. He looked just as red as the red in his kilt. He came up. He was really understandably angry—the ticket that they had just purchased about six o'clock at night to get to a 7:30 opera in Boston. The ticket for the train they had purchased had already left the station, so they were going to miss the opera.

She was so disappointed, and she was monitoring his mood too. This is a mini crisis situation. I mean, it's not a big crisis, but in a personal life, it's a mini crisis, and we have tons of these. So, you can picture the couple now going back to her apartment. She gets out of this lovely outfit with her perfume on, and her hair that's all done up. It looked like she had been to a salon during the day. You can picture her getting back into jeans and feeling really let down and frustrated—him getting out of his kilt, putting on the jeans, and blaming each other for not having enough time.

"I told you to come home early from work! Why didn't you plan ahead? You never do it! What was your stupid idea to go to the opera?" and on and on and on. They have a lousy night. That's not what happened.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

Blaming each other for not having enough time, I told you to come home early from work! Why didn't you plan ahead? You never do it. Well, it was your stupid idea to go to the opera, and on and on and on. They have a lousy night. That's not what happened.

We stopped my transaction immediately. I was in no hurry, and the woman at the counter was incredibly good with them. She wasn't gushy; she was factual. She gave them the information they needed. She immediately refunded their ticket, gave them another train, and he calmed down. Then, he even laughed. I looked at him and I said, "You know, you are much more likely to remember the way you handle this situation with each other than the fact that you might show up a few minutes late for the opera or even miss the opera."

So, if they handle it well, if they don't stress out, and if they love each other during these mini crises, then, instead of beating up on each other, instead of making unnecessary rough moments in their life, they will have memories that will be worth more than the lovely night at the opera that they didn't spoil.

So think of how you handle those mini crises in your life, or I want you to do something else for a moment. Think back to how your mom and dad handled mini crises. You're late, you have to get going. You've got a football game to go to, or you've got some event to go to at school, and/or dad's got some meeting to go to, and you all have to rush into the car. How do you handle those moments?

If your parents handled them poorly, if they lost control, if they blamed each other, if they took it out on you, if they took it out on themselves—oh, I'm such a stupid idiot! I'm such a jerk! Or if they beat up on some innocent bystander, I'll bet you have a storehouse of painful memories. But if they handled it well, if mom and dad handled those mini crises well, you will love them even more.

For more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Some partners will, from time to time, meet someone attractive or intriguing outside the marriage or partnership. Most will not openly communicate this to their partner. Why?

First, they fear their partner's response. Will he get angry or leave me when I tell him I've been flirting with Jay at work? Will she have a nervous breakdown when she learns that I've gone to the gym early just to talk with Sherry?

Second, some love the forbidden feelings and don't want to spoil the pleasure. Such partners rationalize: "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt."

Third, thoughts of adultery generate chronic guilt that a partner will try to suppress rather than confront. Unfortunately, this often makes them stronger and may even eventually lead to later regretted actions, landing partners in divorce court.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.