The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

This is a question that I received from a dad who is fairly anxious about his 16-year-old daughter, and it's quite involved. See what you think, and see if you've been in a situation like this or know somebody in this situation.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

Our 16-year-old daughter, Marta, worries us. She's not been interested in friends or in school for the past three years. She seems distracted, forgetful at times, like going to the wrong class, getting on the wrong school bus. We sent her for a psychological evaluation after we found out that she had been secretly cutting herself, and we were told that, yes, she was depressed for six months and she was forthcoming, but she didn't want counseling, and you know, she is doing better now, so we didn't push it.

However, Marta doesn't socialize the way a normal teenager does. She mostly stays at home, reading, watching movies, TV shows, listening to music, and playing occasional video games. She does spend time with her younger sister, Angela, and on rare occasions, hangs out with some friends. We don't feel so good about them, though. She doesn't have any boyfriends, and she basically is not appreciative of us or the good things that family members do for her. We have to remind her to clean her room and empty her wastebasket. It's odd, though; she doesn't seem angry or resentful, just emotionally detached and uncommunicative.

So the question is, what's going on with Marta?

The dad gives some history. Marta and Angela's biological mother was an alcoholic who was eventually incarcerated, and when she was released, she never reconnected with her daughters. Marta was five years old at the time; her younger sister Angela was two years old. My wife and I told the kids, the girls, about this four years ago. Marta was very upset when she learned about her biological mother. She was 12 years old at the time. She hasn't asked questions in some time. Now she wants her driver's license. However, she's still distracted, and she stopped in the middle of an intersection during a driver's ed class and burst into tears when the instructor told her to increase her speed.

So we pulled her out of the driving portion of driver's ed and don't think she should continue. She doesn't seem overly depressed or enthusiastic about anything. How can we best help her?

What do you do if you're a parent? This is from Tom. What can you do if you're a parent in this situation, and you've got a child who, I'm assuming, was hunky-dory, she was fine beforehand. You didn't mention that, but let's assume that she was doing fine, and at the age of 12, she learns something that's devastating. Imagine that happening to any of us: that we're told, “Hey, your mother isn't your real mother. Your real mother was incarcerated, and she abandoned you at the age of five, and she was an alcoholic.” You hear some news like that. What does it do to you?

Well, in the best-case scenario, she could say, “You know, I must have gone through a lot as I was, if when I was a young child, maybe I have some memories, maybe I don't. But how wonderful that I have a healthy family now. This is my real family, and I want to gradually allow myself to enjoy my days. It's fine to invite a friend over. I can find someone I admire for good things. I'm not my biological mother; there's a different person in me. I want the good things in life. I want school or a career or hobbies or leisure activities I enjoy, maybe reading books that are inspiring or watching movies that are good.”

So what she needs is the motivation for values in life. And my guess is she turned in a different direction. Again, you have her history; she has a history I don't. So just given what you've said, my guess is that if she was a more lively person with her younger sister earlier, and then she learned this news about her mother at the age of 12, that at the age of 16, she might have been living with a lot of negative conclusions that she drew about herself, such as, “I'm damaged goods. My mother left me. No guy will ever love me when they find out the truth; no friends would accept me if I let them get too close. I don't even believe my family loves me. What's the use in school?”

And you can see someone in such pain that they might turn to cutting. Many times, people self-mutilate when they feel they're in such psychological pain that a little physical pain temporarily shifts their focus. Now, obviously, that's not healthy. It's dangerous for her; it's not a good habit, and it's certainly not a good role model for her sister.

So, you know, you still need to explore, are there any other traumas in her life? Would she open up? I would recommend a cognitive therapist because a good cognitive therapist will help your daughter express herself, come out of her shell, and feel safe enough to let down her guard. Also, seeing heroes and heroines who have struggled against the odds could help. Maybe Helen Keller in the movie The Miracle Worker, or maybe the movie Shrek a lot, or Bend It Like Beckham. I'm not just pulling a few out, but there might be some very good heroes or heroines that she could see that could help her change.

In cognitive therapy, we call them core premises, the deeper premises about herself that maybe she isn't good enough, and you do want to challenge that. You can also check out the physical. It does sound more psychological, but sometimes it could be the thyroid, hypothyroidism or something. So make sure she gets a good, clean bill of health.

She wants to never abandon herself, even if her mother abandoned her.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Do you take your happiness seriously, or do you just think, “Oh, you know, I've always been a kind of down person, or an anxious person, or an angry person, and it's just me. I mean, you have to take it or leave it. You know, people want to be in my life; they have to accept me for who I am.” The problem is you may not like who you are, and you're the one that's living with you for the rest of your life. So how do you gently, as your own best friend, take your own happiness a little more seriously each day and figure out what would you want to tweak in your own repertoire of skills that would make you more at home with yourself, that would make you like you better?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Suppose you're on a first date with an attractive woman, but know very little about her. You discover that she's a single mom who raised two children on her own, sending them to good schools because she wanted them to develop basic skills and the ability to think when the time was right. She started a small business on her own. She read and took online courses to help ensure that her business would succeed. You discover that she was always honest with customers. She seems totally genuine in not trying to impress you. With each new discovery, you're aware of very positive emotions. You're experiencing the beginning of love. Certainly, there are brain chemicals at work here, but they and the love were the result of the information you gained and appraised, not chemicals.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.