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Joan, your son is angry a lot of the time.

Yes, he is. He's 27 years old, and he becomes physically abusive when he drinks. Anything will get any kind of argument. We'll get him set off. And he was at a bachelor party yesterday and physically attacked the groom. Well, not for no reason. He went into the bathroom and someone said something to him about not being able to hold his liquor, and he came out of the bathroom and literally attacked the groom, choked him, had him on the ground.

And what happened? Did he get arrested?

No, no. The other boys that he was with pulled him off of him. But this is not the first time this has happened.

Okay, he's married, so, you know, of course, now he's, you know, feeling, you know, with it. You know, marital issues. You know, being married and having financial, you know, I don't say difficulties, but you know, he's got himself a house, and I just see it, nope, no children. Thank God yet.

Okay, so I think that he really needs to attend some anger management classes to control his behavior. As I said, he seems to be more pronounced when he drinks.

Okay? What do I need to know?

He's not living at home with you, right? He's got his own home.

He's out and married for how long?

He'll be married two years in September.

Did he always like a lovable, charming little kid and didn't have anger management problems, and then something happened, and then he became angry? Or was he, oh, he has always been a live wire?

Okay, a live wire. My son was a live wire, but he was the most lovable live wire.

So very lovable. He's, you know, you could yell and scream at him when you were angry with him, and then five minutes later, he'd be giving you a hug and a kiss.

Okay, but, but he is saying he was always angry.

Well, he had an altercation. I have three sons. He had an altercation with his older brother when he was about maybe eight or nine years old in the backyard over a ball, and he went running towards his brother, knocked him down. And of course, he didn't do this intentionally, but his brother broke his arm.

Okay? So he's always, and it's funny because family members have always said, you know, he has a chip on his shoulder. You know, what's wrong with him, you know. And we have had other instances where, you know, he has blown off the handle, and you know, and you know, you try to reason with him and say, you know, calm down. And no matter what you say, he takes, you know, yeah, it's my fault. Yeah, I'm the one who's wrong, you know. So I really think that, you know, he does need to speak with someone.

And you know, coming from his mom, this is not going to, you know, fly very well. But I feel if I say to him, Well, I spoke to someone. And I really think that, you know, how would I, my best, I guess my question is, how do I approach this?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. How would I, my best, I guess my question is, how do I approach this?

I think you're in a very difficult position to approach it because I think now he's got multiple problems. It's not just an anger management problem. You mentioned financial problems, but the big one, I mean, the elephant in the middle of the room, they call it the big problem that nobody addresses is the alcohol problem.

Okay? Because if he's using alcohol as a method to solve his problems, running away from them with alcohol, he's only going to get worse with time.

I don't think he doesn't use alcohol. I mean, it's not like he goes out and drinks every night. He, you know, happened to be at the bachelor party. It just seems to intensify things when he, I, you know, he goes out and he, you know, may go to out with friends and things are fine, and then it may just be something that sets him off.

How often does he let loose like this? Where he has an altercation?

Yeah, not, not that often, maybe once every, maybe three months, six months. You know, as I said, it depends upon the situation.

But does he lose it? I mean, it may not be. When we talk about altercation, you're talking about physically hitting somebody, physically choking them, physically doing something. Does he do it to his wife? Is it abusive?

Yes, no.

Okay, so you're saying, what can you do it as a mom? What have you tried in the past?

Well, actually, he did go to an anger management class. I did get him to go to one when he was a teenager. He had had an altercation. I don't remember, recall exactly what it was. And I said, you know, I think you really need to, and he did go to an evening class. It was, but it wasn't that long, and he okay,

but I'm saying, When have you, I could ask if we don't have the time, but I could ask you to list all the things you've tried that have not worked as a mom, and it's good for you to do that. So when we get off the, when, when we're done with the call, you could sit down and write all the ways you've tried to reach him. Was it through crying? Was it through begging? Was it through yelling at him? Was it through giving him the silent treatment?

Okay? You know, figure out what didn't work, okay? And then you, one of the ways that you may approach him is to say, you know, on one sense, I feel powerless, and I know that's a fact, honey, and I love you, and I would love to see you take this seriously because I'll tell you, every three to six months is a long time is quite frequent. That's quite serious, honey, and it must scare the heck out of you.

Notice. I'm not saying it must scare the heck out of me. It does scare me, but I want to appeal to it being a benefit to him to open up his eyes a little wider.

And at times, you may tell yourself, it's just you and you can't change. But I know differently. I know that people who've had longstanding problems can learn just sometimes, even just a few skills that can help them manage the tough situations differently.

Okay? And, you know, I recommend, I would recommend cognitive therapy. And you could go to a website. You can go to my website. There's a link there. My website's DrKenner, and there's, you can go to the Academy of CT cognitive therapy.org, and find, and he could find a therapist in his neck of the woods, okay?

But notice I did pick one thing out that you said, Joan, if his theme is, yeah, it's my fault. I'm always the one who's wrong. If you've heard something like that repetitively, then that is significant.

And that may go back to childhood, things that may go back to the theme that he's fighting against. I wasn't wrong. It was an accident, mom, with the, you know, breaking his brother's arm.

But you want to be able to, that that's really his work. If it were happening to you, if you were the, if you were him, and I was talking to you, I would say, oh my gosh, that's a wonderful clue that you just uncovered. Figure out how you can answer that differently, and maybe you need some trauma work too to figure out, you know, what he took away from some childhood incidents where he felt unfairly judged and is fighting him now.

Okay, you know, because he needs to let go. I thank you so much for your call, John.

Okay, thank you.

You're welcome.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Ellen Kenner and co-author Edwin Locke.

Good communication cannot save every troubled relationship, but effective communication is essential to all successful romantic relationships, and it can save many relationships that might otherwise fail. Your communication style and skills determine how intense conflicts become, how long they last, how complicated a single issue or a laundry list of complaints, how many people become involved, how many aspects of your life are affected: home, work, sex, family relations, how the conflicts are ultimately resolved, and what emotional scars, if any, such conflicts leave on the partners.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it @Amazon.com.