The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctorkenner.com, and right now, we're going to turn to the phone lines and speak with Suzanne.

Suzanne, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

What's your question?

My three-year-old has recently developed an aversion to going outside, and I need to know how to help her through that. We were caught in a thunderstorm about two weeks ago, and since then, she will not go outside.

Okay, so what happened during the thunderstorm? Can you give me the world through her perspective, what happened, and what you suspect, what terror you saw in her eyes? If that's the case.

That's probably the hardest part. It was just raining when we walked to the car, and I had my two children, my six-year-old and my three-year-old with us. I was putting my three-year-old in the car. She was actually already in her car seat, and I was buckling her when it just started pouring buckets and lightning thunder. It was one of those awful mom moments because my six-year-old was not in the car yet. I'm trying to get my three-year-old buckled in and trying to encourage my six-year-old to get in the car, and it was just chaos. After I got them both in the car, my six-year-old and I were drenched. We actually had to go to the doctor.

Oh really. Oh, you were on route to the doctor?

I was en route from school to the doctor.

Okay, for a regular checkup?

Yeah, and she was fine, but the next day, she just wouldn’t go outside.

Okay, so did she say anything to you, like, "I'm afraid it will happen again"?

She says, when we try to go outside, "no rain, no rain," and she holds her hands over her head like she's trying to protect herself from getting wet.

Okay, well, at least you know specifically what happened. With a lot of parents, kids will have a fear, and they have no idea when it happened or how it happened. Maybe it happened with a babysitter. If this had happened with a babysitter, and the babysitter never shared it with you, this might be totally puzzling to you. But it makes it much clearer that you know it’s thunder and lightning. So, she needs to learn, partly by exposure—gradual exposure—that when she goes out, it's a sunny day. She’s got to go through days that are rainy, and nothing happens. Or you can watch a movie. She’s three years old, maybe a little young for this, although I showed my kids this movie 100 times in their childhood: Singing in the Rain, because it showed rain in a very positive light. There may be some Disney movies. None come to mind right now, but you may know some that show rain in a positive way, where everyone hopes for the rain, and when it comes, flowers grow, and good things happen.

So she needs to have two categories in her mind—thunderstorms, and then, as she gets older, I used to get the little science books for my kids, playful ones from the library geared toward 3-7-year-olds, picture books. I would explain that nothing bad will happen. Now, you know, lightning can cause harm. We were hit three times in our home—go figure. But for the most part, most people go through life, and it’s just a romantic time for many people. You hunker down, stay inside, and watch the lightning storm like fireworks. You might even show her some fireworks that are fun since they make a loud noise.

It’s not the noise.

Oh, it isn’t?

It’s the rain.

I think it’s the rain. As an example, it’s beautiful where we are today, and I was just taking her to music class this morning. We got to the car, and she was okay because she knew she was getting in the car. But at music class, they took them outside for a few minutes, and immediately, her hand went up, she started crying, and was very anxious. We were only out there for five minutes, and she wouldn’t participate for the rest of the class, and that’s her favorite thing to do.

Okay, so right after the break, we’ll continue with this.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

In deciding whether to forgive your partner for an injustice, consider: is the problem reversible? Adultery and serious injury due to drunk driving are not reversible. Forgetting the milk is—you can get back in the car and go get it. Patterns of neglect may or may not be easily changeable. Was a proper, sincere apology given, assuming that an apology is sufficient? For example, "Honey, I’m so sorry I made fun of you in front of our guests. I was trying to score points for myself. I promise I’ll never do it again." Any meaningful apology has to be backed up by subsequent behavior that is consistent with it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.