The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download

chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

Here's a question

that I received about someone who's having a lot of problems with their mother, and I know that as I speak many, many of you out there probably are feeling some pain in your relationship with a parent, whether it's your mother, this is a mother-daughter problem, dear Dr. Kenner, I need some advice about my mother. Our relationship has always been a struggle. Recently, she called with bad news about her health and wants me to forget our past, our painful past. I can't do that. I have emotional scars. I don't know what to do. She tells me that the past is over, and she refuses to change her behavior. In addition, for over a year, she's not called me. I felt invisible. I didn't hear a word from her until now. Help me, please. She has a few months to live. Exclamation point, Tina,

so how do you decide what to do? Tina,

Do you forgive or forget, and if you did, what cost would that be to your own sense of integrity? Would that be the right thing to do in quotes, or is it an act of self-betrayal?

What do you owe your mom?

Well,

what did she earn in your honest, most objective evaluation of her?

What did she earn? In your case, Tina,

take a closer look at that damage that your mom did. Maybe you may not want to go back into the past and remember the screaming or the yelling or what are now emotional scars. You may not want to bury under those scars and see the raw pain, but you've got to do that to make this decision. If it's the case that mom was a decent parent and very apologetic and you were a wild, drug-using kid who dropped out of school, hung with the wrong crowd, engaged in lying, cheating, and stealing, then she is owed an apology. She is owed one, and it is you take ownership for what you did. She's owed a deep, heartfelt apology. But I don't think that's the problem. If you look at that raw wound and underneath your scar and you see that she wants you to forget the past, and she's guilty of something. The fact that she's saying she wants you to forget it makes me feel like Aha, she is guilty. Ask yourself, what was there? Was mom an alcoholic? Was she a man chaser? Was she a person who suckered into others, into providing for her, and you were one of those others? Did she have a sharp tongue? Was she envious of your success, your good grades, your good friends,

your good personality?

Was she envious of your character, that you that you are honest, she isn't that you're hard working, she's a bum, that you're playful, she's mean, that you're warm and friendly, she's rude and crude and she's vicious and gossipy, that you're self-assured, and she has very low self-esteem. Is she envious of your happiness if she tried to tear you down as a child by exaggerating minor flaws, by putting roadblocks in your way, by calling you names, by giving you unfair punishments. Then even if she provided you with meals and a roof over your head, and even if she was what we call a functional mom, she was anything but a nurturing mom, and you owe her. Hey, I

got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back

romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com huh? The Selfish path to romance that is interesting.

She was anything but a nurturing mom, and you owe her nothing. You owe yourself credit for having escaped from Mom's envy and hopefully having done well in your life despite mom's jealousy, her appeal to pity that she's dying and she she can now force an apology from you, given this deadline is totally unjust to you. What would such an apology be? It would be a lie. You would know you didn't mean it, and she would know you didn't mean it. So ask yourself if there is any personal value in touching base with your mom. Have you said all that you want to say to her, and you'd rather let her go to her grave knowing that she's earned her indifference and payment for the emotional scars that you're wearing, or is there unfinished business on your part things left unsaid, both either positive or negative? For example, if you've never expressed how angry you are with her, you can say to her, if you want the closure, Mom, I bet you thought I came here to forgive and forget the fact that you're dying in. Very sad for me, but it's even sadder that you never lived the way you could have. You saw me as a better example of how to live your own life, and I felt attacked for my success and happiness. I had a painful childhood mom. I hated coming home and seeing you passed out on the couch. I hated that I could never bring my friends over to the house for fear that they would see the pig pen we lived in. I hated that you hit us in places where it wouldn't show and I hated that you forced us to say that you never hit us. I hated that you made us put on a front to others, pretending that you were a loving mom. I hated the hypocrisy. I hated that you never identified what you loved in life, Mom, you never showed me what it would be like to have a happy mom. You made excuse after excuse for yourself, and you refused to make an effort to get out of your rut when you knew that plenty of help was available. I hated my childhood. Mom, can you tell me how I can forgive this? Can I erase what you did in the past? No, you made your choices, and you could have chosen otherwise? Can I pretend that you were a nurturing mom, my cheerleader when you tortured me every time I succeeded? No, I can't rewrite the past. I wish, for both our sakes, that you had been committed to your own happiness. You refused to reflect, to introspect, to understand yourself. You refused to think about your problems. You made yourself blind to your own character and barricaded yourself with ugly rationalizations as to why you couldn't help it, why you were right and others were wrong. Mom, I know you're dying. I wish you had fully lived, and for that, I feel very sad. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. And

here's a little more from Dr. Kenner,

I really wish that you would not send her candy without consulting me.

I'm talking to you.

Not all the decisions are taken by the female, especially when the male partners fulfilled his obligations beyond the line of duty. When you wanted me to spend my afternoon sunbathing by the lake, I was glad to become the bronze glamor boy for your sake, instead of remaining the scholar, even then, I scoot along after you like an obliging little lap dog. Oh yes, I'm happy. I'm delighted to be bossed by you. But every game has its rules,

and that's from Lolita. I love that type of passion. When someone finally breaks through and they say, you're not going to control my life anymore. This is my life. I want to be a scholar. I don't want to be your lap dog anymore. It's over. So whether you're you feel like you're in the shadows of a parent and you're leading your life according to their rules, their standards, and you want to break free, or whether it's a husband or a partner or a wife, where you feel like you are just following in their footsteps doing what they want, like one of those dogs that we used to have in the back of the car, that I don't know, ceramic dog, or something that would whose head would wobble when the car moved. You just feel like you're you don't own your own life, you want to have that moment of breaking free, of hearing your own mind in private, say, This is my life. I'm not doing it anymore. Then figure out how to be tactful, and then go and say it to the person, the person who's causing all the problems in your life, which is really not the other person. It's yourself. It's that's what psychological independence is about learning how to own your own life, to make your own independent decisions, to set your own standards, your own goals, your own dreams, and to remain true to them, not to break your own integrity, but to be true to yourself.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, and

I told you how I thought I was becoming a widow. Now, obviously my husband's right here. He's phenomenal, but something was getting in the way, and we've all heard of football widows or baseball widows, women whose husbands are totally inaccessible and unapproachable. Don't you dare approach them during the games. I grew up in a family where my father loved the games, and he was fairly unapproachable during them, especially when the Red Sox lost. Well, now I'm feeling like a widow. My husband has recently taken up a hobby, and when I go to talk to him after dinner or before bed or just in odd moments, he's totally preoccupied. Now, is he at the computer scanning the web for sexy women? No, we went out last night, and he ordered dinner. Went out to a nice restaurant. He took out his paper of numbers. Okay, so is he gambling? No, but he is dealing with numbers. Have you guessed it yet? He's dealing with the numbers one through nine. I feel like a sudoku widow. He has become involved with these games. They're like crossword puzzles. He enlarges them on the computer so he's got a bigger picture of them, and I try to reach him, and he is totally absorbed in these puzzles. And unlike when he reads the paper and he can say yeah, and put his finger where he is, and he's a very. Very accommodating. He's wonderful man with these I can't break through, so I'm a bit baffled. My son's totally wrapped up in these number puzzles. My sister can do something easily that she calls level five. She can do it in 15 minutes, whatever the heck that is. Yesterday, I went to a psychological conference, and I saw one of the top Rhode Island psychologists working on his clinical notes during lunch, he didn't go to lunch with everyone else, and I was taking phone calls and the rest. I didn't want to interrupt him, even though it was very, very cold in the room. So I went over and figured, when he finishes his clinical notes, I will ask him if he can turn the heat up a little bit. I walked towards him, but he was totally absorbed. His head was down. I was very close in his peripheral vision, but he didn't pay any attention to me like you normally would. So I finally got cold enough that I decided to interrupt his train of thought, and I got up right, right in front of him, real close, and I noticed that he was not writing clinical notes, but he was filling out a sudoku puzzle. So help I don't understand the appeal. Help me out here for more

Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this Ned.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Here

are five ways of making your partner feel loved and visible. Show encouragement and appreciation, spend quality time together, give appropriate gifts, help out touch in a loving, sincere way, most partners will appreciate all five, however different people may place different degrees of importance on them. Discover what makes your partner feel loved and visible. If you neglect trying to understand your partner, it conveys that you don't think your loved one is important, your partner feels invisible and not connected to you on the deepest level, and this undermines your romantic relationship, including your sex life. If you don't understand your partner, even when you do take actions that demonstrate love, they might be the wrong actions.

Download

chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

and you can buy the book at Amazon.com