The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. My son, Adam, is 16. His grandmother is dying—his dad's mom. He doesn't want to see her in the hospital, and he doesn't want to attend the funeral. He wants to remember his granny as she was. He has asked me if he can not go to the funeral. We don't know what to tell him. Part of me wants to shelter him. Part of me thinks that maybe there'll be regrets later if he does not get to say goodbye to her at the funeral. Your thoughts will be very helpful to us. Thank you, Marge.

Marge, I look at this as an extremely personal decision, and that's what I would honor. I would honor your 16-year-old's wishes, Adam's wishes, at this point. I think they're totally realistic. You say that he may have regrets not having said goodbye to Grandma. If he wants, he can write her a card. If he doesn't want to see her—let's say that she's got all tubes in her, and she just doesn't look like the alive grandma that he knew if she's going through hospice now, or if she's at life's end. So if he wants to write her a card that you could give her, or send her a little gift, that might be fine. That might be his way of gaining some closure. Because sometimes people want closure, and sometimes just having had a loving relationship with Grandma is what counts. It’s not the final few words that a person says to either the dying grandma or to her dead body at the funeral, where she has no capacity to hear. Sometimes people make a big deal about that, but sometimes that is not the meaningful issue here. The meaningful issue is that he had a good relationship with Grandma, assuming that's the case—an important relationship—and he's choosing how he wants to preserve his memories.

Okay, what about the argument, am I just sheltering him? Should he be exposed to this real-world event, to a funeral and the rest?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Okay, what about the argument? Am I just sheltering him? Should he be exposed to this real-world event, to a funeral and the rest? I think you're not sheltering him. I think he's seen lots of corpses in his life. Anyone who's seen an action movie—James Bond—or who's been through Halloween has seen some gruesome images. And so I think that kids are no longer sheltered at this point, especially since they have so much access to TV. If at another point in his life he wants to observe a loved one who has died, you know, at the funeral, or if he wants to observe a corpse, if he goes into medical school and he chooses to attend a funeral, you know, that’s his option. I would never force it.

Now, what happens if you go to the funeral without your son, Adam? Grandma dies, you’re at the funeral, and family members say, “Yeah, where’s Adam? Oh, I think it’s important. Why didn’t you bring Adam? Oh, he’s going to regret not having attended.” If you’re feeling embarrassed by that and you feel like, well, maybe I should have Adam go just because I don’t know what to say to these people, that would not be fair to Adam because you're letting your imagined embarrassment override your respect for his choice and his relationship with Grandma, which is the central point here. Again, what's most important is his relationship with Grandma. He is choosing to retain the memories as they are. He doesn’t want the image or experience of seeing Grandma’s dying body or dead body, and I think that’s a tribute to his character and possibly to his love of life rather than his worship of death. And I think that’s great for him to preserve.

I remember when my husband and I had been to funerals when I was younger—not many, but I had been to some. And I remember when my husband’s boss, Jack, passed away suddenly from a heart attack. We went to the funeral, and Jack had been a really funny guy. And I remember walking in and seeing Jack, a big guy, pasty and cold, looking unmoving in an open casket. The makeup artists can be, you know, they can be fairly artful, but they cannot cover a cadaver, a dead body. The skin tone is off, there's no breathing, and being in a box is unnatural. And I felt that that was a gruesome experience. I thought, you know, we’re not celebrating Jack’s life, that you’re rubbing his death in loved ones’ faces. And my first thought was that this is a religion that celebrates not a person’s life, but a person’s death or some promise of passing into some wished-for hereafter. So that was my gut response.

Now, later, I had someone that I knew I was close with who died, and I decided not to look at her open casket. I wanted my images to remain pure. But I did view my grandfather’s open casket. At that point, I was majoring in biology, and I touched his skin. It was cold, and it was fine in that context to do it. But I had already said my goodbyes to him. He had asked us to tango right before he died—he, my uncle, and I—and we did that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

"Now, you hate him, yes, Walter? He's so mean to me. Every time I buy a dress or a pair of shoes, he yells his head off. He never lets me go anywhere. He keeps me shut up. He's always been mean to me. Even his life insurance all goes to that daughter of his. Nothing for you at all? No, and nothing is just what I'm worth to him. So you lie awake in the dark and listen to him snoring, get ideas, Walter. I don't want to kill him. I never did—not even when he gets drunk and slaps my face."

Now, is that true? I think when you're with a very abusive spouse, one that gets drunk and slaps your face, that hits you, there are moments when you have thoughts of killing the person. And this is from Double Indemnity, and that was Fred MacMurray you heard. If you’re in an abusive situation, you don’t want to go that route. Even if you have a fleeting thought of wanting to kill the person, you need to get a divorce. You need out of that relationship. You need to discover your voice, speak up, get some help, go to a hospital, tell people, go to a therapist. You need to get it out in the open, even if there will be a very rocky period after the abuse is exposed, where he’ll deny it. He’ll say you’re a liar. He’ll find a few instances where you did lie and try to blemish you. You know, a lot will go on during that very rocky period, but you’ll be liberating yourself, and it’s your life, and you want to treasure it enough to take action in that situation.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

Finding the right romantic partner may seem like a daunting task, but it is much less daunting when you know what to look for and how to look for it. Once you have found the person you believe is your soul mate, however, the story is not over. It is only beginning. You will want to know how to preserve and strengthen your relationship, and most people have no idea how to do this. Most make one major, often fatal mistake. The main reason for fading romance, aside from a poor match or partners moving in incompatible directions, is letting the love relationship go on automatic, letting it be carried along solely by emotion.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.