The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Do you have a quirky behavior that you just don't know why you do, and you wish you didn't do it? It's not really harmful, but it's just irritating. You don't understand yourself. This is from Mandy.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. I'm a 22-year-old female. I have a habit of holding onto the edge of a pillowcase, and I've had it ever since I can remember. I also subtly do it with the edge of some T-shirts that I'm wearing. This mostly happens at night when I'm in bed, but not all the time. However, there are times when I feel a strong need to wrap the pillowcase in and around my fingers, and if I can't get hold of one quickly enough, then I get frustrated or anxious. I know I've heard other people talk about the same behavior. Why am I, at the age of 22, still doing this? And where does this sort of behavior come from?

Mandy, it's obvious you've got a habit, and it's a relatively harmless habit, so you can look at it as a curiosity piece. I mean, certainly, if I did that, I might want to ask myself some questions, where's this coming from? And we'll get to that in a moment. It sounds like it's just a self-soothing behavior. You know, it brings up images of my own daughter with her blankie. She used to tickle her nose with it, tickle her face with it, and it would put her off to sleep. So you could ask yourself, what are my earliest memories of doing this, and how important was it in my life?

Everybody worries about their kids—whether they're going to keep some behavior for the rest of their life or not be able to do something. And I know I had a babysitter for my daughter who still sucked her thumb, and her mother must have just been so anxious. She was 15 years old or so, and she's sucking her thumb. My daughter used to suck two fingers, and I was a tad concerned—oh my god, what if she never breaks the habit? Parents worry, oh my god, what if my kid is never toilet-trained? Well, we typically don't carry all those childhood behaviors forward. Comforting yourself with the edge of a pillowcase or your T-shirt sounds harmless.

But if you're feeling embarrassed—say, if you're dating or married to someone and you have to have that pillowcase, or if you're in the middle of giving a speech and feel you need a pillowcase—that's not good. So, if it makes you feel a bit out of control, then definitely it's worth one introspective exercise. Let me give you some ideas on how to introspect. And you can do this with any behavior.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw... here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Let me give you some ideas on how to introspect. And you can do this with any behavior. Instead of beating up on yourself, saying, "Why am I still doing this?" your subconscious is going to say, "I don't know; you just are." You don’t want to ask what's called a negative rhetorical question. You want to ask, "Oh, I wonder why I'm doing this." You know, because it's comforting. What's the value in it? It’s just a self-soothing behavior. You want to change and work with yourself as if you're your own best friend.

Ask yourself, what do I say to myself if I can’t get the pillowcase right away? If you can translate that frustration and anxiety into words, maybe you say, "Oh my god, if I can't get the pillowcase, something bad will happen." You might predict a negative future, which may have a little touch of obsessive-compulsive thinking. You can work on that, and there are many skills. I’m going to recommend a book: Changing for Good. It's at my website, DrKenner.com. If you’re saying, "Oh my god, if I can’t get that blanket, my boyfriend won’t call me," or "If I can't get that blanket, I won’t get the job," or "If I can't get that blanket, someone will get hurt," then your thoughts are misconnecting cause and effect. Not getting the pillowcase or the T-shirt has nothing to do with the job or any of the rest.

You need to be able to talk to your subconscious and convince yourself of that. You want to be your own best friend, as I mentioned, and if you want to break the habit, do it joyfully. Try to figure out a way. Get a nice, soft blankie that you can use regularly without needing it every time you get anxious. Find other skills to deal with anxiety. I know I’ve changed a lot of habits—I used to bite my fingernails—and it’s fun to feel successful in changing them. I don’t bite them anymore.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, on the rational basis of happiness. I'm a clinical psychologist. Toll-Free: 1-877-DrKenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

We said that wanting approval to eliminate your self-doubts does not work, and it does not contribute to a lasting romantic relationship. On the other side of the approval coin, you cannot get genuine self-esteem through disparaging others with put-downs, flaw-finding, or one-upmanship. Another person's flaws don’t make you a better person. People who try to get self-esteem by putting others down are trying to hide their own moral vices or their own sense of inferiority. You earn self-esteem through your own thinking and actions, not through comparisons. Self-esteem is not a matter of comparing yourself to anyone or gaining the illusion that you're okay by using defensive maneuvers.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.