The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Hi, Dr. Kenner. I have been diagnosed with borderline and bipolar. So a moment on borderline is when you just have intense emotional surges. You could be very impulsive, you could have very unstable relationships. You may have abandonment issues. You may not know who you are. You know, it's just really feeling lost or empty inside at times. And you can have really strong emotional reactions when you're feeling that empty or angry. You can have rage. It can be very difficult for you to live with that. And with bipolar, you know, that goes from feeling really bummed out and depressed to feeling like you're on top of the world and things are going well, and what they call manic. And yet it's not going well in a rational way. You're doing things that might not be making sense, maybe promiscuously having sex or drinking too much or spending too much, and it feels great, but it's not going to be great when you wake up the next morning.

So here's the question that Brenda asked me. She said, even though she's been diagnosed with borderline and bipolar, she said, "I'm not sure if this is related, but I hate my husband's dog, and I have strong urges to hit it or do something to it, although I haven't. And I'll tell you, as Ellen myself, I'm very glad for that. I've told my husband, Joe, but he won't get rid of the dog. And I have absolutely no empathy for the dog, and I've never experienced this before. I'm actually an animal person, but when I am around his dog, I feel my blood pressure go up, and I've even had dreams that I beat it. Since my husband's never going to get rid of it, I really need advice on how to cope. It obviously freaks me out. It reminds me of being a sociopath or a serial killer, but I haven't been able to change how I feel. I wish the dog would die or run into traffic. Can you please give me advice, because I can't afford a therapist and have no insurance?"

We greatly appreciate that. Brenda. Brenda, first given your history, given the bipolar and the borderline diagnoses, this could definitely be related, and it could relate to trauma in your past or some other difficulties that you've had. So I certainly wouldn't give up looking for help because there are places that do it pro bono, meaning for free, or on a sliding scale, meaning that if you don't, if you can't afford it, you pay very little. You pay what's within your means to afford. I know when I was at the university, we had a teaching counseling center where we were being trained, and you would get very good advice because our professors were monitoring everything, and they were well-trained psychologists, and you could get some help there. So I would not stop looking for therapy. I would definitely look into calling your local psychological association or seeing what's available pro bono, you know, even Googling to see if there are some pro bono or sliding scale places that you can get some help. Maybe your husband can help you with that.

And I would also recommend some couples therapy. So first, I want to give you a disclaimer that what I'm about to say is not therapy. It doesn't substitute for therapy, and I would try to reach out for that help. So, hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

What I'm about to say is not therapy. It doesn't substitute for therapy, and I would try to reach out for that help. So apart from that, what can you do on your own? So when I have really powerful emotions, either positive or negative, I don't want to remain a mystery to myself. Brenda, so I can tell you my husband had a dog. His name was Jason, and my husband was so incredibly playful with him. I mean, just they had such a great relationship, and I loved their relationship initially. And then I noticed when my husband took me on a date, this is before we were married, to go sledding, we would get down to the bottom of the hill, and instead of my date at the time turning around to hug me, he would hug the damn dog. And then it got worse. Jason liked to sit in the front seat. That was my seat. Thank you. And I started to feel very jealous of Jason.

Now we laughed about it. I told my parents, I told everybody, what do I do? I'm jealous of his dog. And over time, I won out, and I ended up really liking Jason, and then my husband went and got—we had a second dog, then a third dog. The third dog, I bawled my eyes out. I did not want a third dog. So that's something that is like having a kid. You can't just go and have a pet in a couple relationship without it being consensual to some degree. And I did get used to the other dog. I never felt very close to it, and I didn't feel like beating it up or wishing it ran into traffic. I just thought it was a dumb dog, but he was good company when everyone was gone; it was nice to have him around.

So I think that you want to understand your own feelings, but since you have trauma in your background, that's why I highly recommend that you do it with the support of some therapy, with some guidance, so that if memories are coming back, you know where they come from. For example, if you ask yourself, when did I first feel this way? When have I ever felt the violence? What is it about this dog? Does it have some relationship to my marriage at all? Are there marital issues that I'm really taking out on the dog and using the dog as the problem? Could it be related to trauma? Where is this violence coming from? Who have I felt this with in the past?

There's a question, who is in the room, you know? What does it bring back? My first images of a dog, me being Ellen, was terror. As a kid, a dog probably nipped my finger without even breaking the skin. It freaked me out. And I can remember for a year—felt like for years, probably was only a year or so—but I used to have recurring nightmares as a very young child of dogs and cats chasing me, and they were serious at the time. It wasn't something—I mean, we can laugh about it now, and I was afraid to tell my parents, but that really creeped me out. Now, I don't have that. I'm a real animal lover at this point.

So if you have trauma in your past, I would definitely call your local psychological association in your state. Just Google your state. But if it's Connecticut Psychological Association or Massachusetts, wherever you are. And don't torture yourself. Don't get into the serial killer. Don't label yourself like that, because your goal is a different question. What would need to change to feel closer to my husband and to the dog? What are the possibilities, rather than getting all wrapped up in the rage? You know, give yourself an opportunity to explore the positive side.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, this is the third time this year you've been sent to the office. We need to find a better outlet. Maybe I could—maybe let me go out for sports, honey. You know why we can't do that? I promise I'll slow up. I'll only be the best by a tiny bit. You are an incredibly competitive boy and a bit of a show-off. You always say to your best, but you don't really mean it. Why can't I do the best that I can do? Dad always said, our powers are nothing to be ashamed of; our powers made us special. Everyone's special—which is another way of saying no one is.

And that's one heck of a bright kid. That's from the movie The Incredibles. And I highly recommend that. You know, have you been through that? You study really hard and you get an A, and someone doesn't study at all, and they actually flunk, but they're given an A, why not? Or put it on a bell curve and give them a much better grade than they earned. Or you practice hard on a team and someone else doesn't practice, and they're put in the game, and you're not, or you work really hard, you earn money, and you want to enjoy that money and feel the pride that comes from earned income. And you look at someone who has not worked at all, and someone takes your money and gives it to them, the entitlement state.

So, you know, if I agree with Dash, if everyone is so-called special, then no one is special. Everyone is leveled to the lowest common denominator, and that doesn't make life very fun. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

NAD, here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Dr. Kenner and Locke.

Assertiveness is very different from aggression. One way to be helpfully assertive is to use the pronoun "I." You have every right to say what you observe, think, feel, and expect. Whatever you're trying to express in "you" language, you make me angry can be effectively translated into "I" language. For example, change "you make me angry" to "I feel angry." You can change "you never listen" to "I feel ignored." You can change "you drive me crazy" to "I am so frustrated." In each case, the sentences with "you" language make you and your partner feel attacked; the sentences with "I" language make you both more likely to listen and talk with one another.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.