The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

You concocted those mendacities in order to take advantage of me. All you had to say is, “I don't love you and I don't want to see you anymore.” That, at least, would have been respectful.

And that, believe it or not—shocks me—is from Back to the Future Part Three. And in a relationship, when you feel like the trust is broken, it is so painful. You can feel her emotion, you can feel her anger, you can feel her pain, and she is just so, so, so hurt.

And think of the times in your life when somebody that you trusted—maybe it was your hubby or your wife, or maybe it was your kids, maybe it was a parent—lied to you. Or a good friend. And you just feel like they broke the trust, and it was a big lie, and it hurt deeply.

How do you recover quickly after that? And what is it that needs fundamentally to be recovered? It’s basically your view of people. When someone breaks your trust, you think, Can I trust anyone? I thought I could trust this person. Or, sometimes people—very often—people doubt their own mind: Maybe it was me. Maybe I should have seen the signs and I didn't. Maybe my mind isn't working well. And maybe you feel like the whole world is populated with people like that.

Those ideas—the ideas of your view of the world, your view of other people, your view of yourself, fundamentally—are called core premises. And you want good core premises. You want a self-esteem premise of good, and you can't just fake it. You need to earn your own self-esteem.

You want to know that there are good people out there, and to be able to evaluate people and choose your friends well. Stay away from family members who are harmful, who have hurt you in the past, broken your trust—and welcome those family members in who are friends, who are good to you.

You want to have a view of the world that—even though there are very bad things that can happen, and we all know the situation we're in now—there are wonderful things that are happening. You can look at the news and scan it, not for the bad things, but for the good things—for space walks or something else that’s going on in the news that’s exciting.

So, I’m a clinical psychologist, and my goal is to help people understand core premises. They’re what direct their motor that drives them—meaning, a good philosophy.

If I had to give you one piece of advice, I would say: Read anything by Ayn Rand—A-Y-N R-A-N-D—because she is the philosopher who has a rational philosophy through and through. And she totally changed—or I changed—my life after I read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, her novels. And then I went on to read her nonfiction. Fabulous, fabulous information. A gift—a lifetime gift to yourself.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I am 29 years old—

Dear Dr. Kenner, I am 29 years old, and I have a wonderful husband and children. I don't have to work outside the home, and this is what I have always wanted.

Okay, stay tuned now.

However, I feel so irritated and mad all the time. I have felt this for years. I feel like I'm running out of time and I can't get anything accomplished. I just want to be happy again. I don't want my kids to grow up and remember me as the bitchy mom. What are the possible reasons for me feeling this way?

Sarah

Sarah, I think that you nailed your problem right at the outset. You sound like you—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself, so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

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Sarah, I think that you nailed your problem right at the outset. You sound like you thought you were going into the Garden of Eden and found out that the Garden of Eden was hell.

Meaning, when you sit and do nothing with your life—when you don't have a chosen personal focused purpose in your life, a career, or a longer-range hobby that you love—then your life does feel like it adds up to zeroes.

I just mentioned my favorite author, Ayn Rand, and she has a lot to say on having a focused purpose in your life.

So notice—my guess is your life has a rhythm to it that you’re not liking. It may be boring or routine or same-old, or there’s no excitement, there’s no adventure. The days just seem like just a carbon copy of the day before, and there’s nothing to look forward to when you get out of bed—except for being the taking-care-of wife who cares for the kids.

And you don’t even enjoy this. There’s no satisfaction in it.

So notice: Financially, you do not have to work, Sarah—and that word "have to"... but it’s not serving you well psychologically. Psychologically, you do want an interest outside the home. You want a career interest or some hobby interest. Some people might become master gardeners on the side. And maybe it can turn into a career once the kids leave the home—it’s always good to be prepared that way.

But what a career does for you is that it organizes your life. You can take—and I did for a time—parenting as a career. But I really made parenting a career. I didn't just mother my kids. I tried to figure out when I was the bitchy mom, what I was doing wrong, and what were the methods that would help me out.

And there are wonderful books on my website—any books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are fabulous. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is their main book, but they have many other books.

My website is DrKenner.com

So you definitely want the dignity of feeling like you’re not a kept woman and you’re not living in the shadows of your husband and your kids.

So here is what Ayn Rand says about purpose—A-Y-N R-A-N-D—she's the author that I adore. I got my life back because of her. She says:

“A man without a purpose is lost in chaos. He does not know what his values are. He doesn't know how to judge. He cannot tell what is or what is not important to him, and therefore he drifts at the mercy of any chance stimulus or any whim of the moment. He can enjoy nothing. He spends his life searching for some value he will never find.”

So again, that’s that idea of you just feel like you’re drifting through life—and that’s why you feel like time’s running out. You’re 29 years old and you can't get anything accomplished. It’s because you haven’t focused on accomplishing—not just doing the laundry, not just doing the dishes every day.

My gosh, when I tried to be just a housewife, I felt... that was my period. If I could cut out a period of my life that said, “What was the closest that you ever came, Ellen, to feeling depressed?” it was that period.

But when I made parenting an endeavor of, Let me figure out these problems. How do you parent well? And I read book after book, and I tried things out with my kids, and I talked about it with my hubby, that helped me tremendously.

So I would give yourself—you’re 29 years old—I would give yourself a 30th birthday gift. Go out and read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Again, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. They’re novels, but they are life-changing novels. The Virtue of Selfishness and the virtue of valuing yourself.

The Virtue of Selfishness—it doesn’t mean that you don’t value other people. In fact, you end up being a more benevolent person when you know what true self-valuing, self-esteem is. That also is on my website, and that’s by Ayn Rand.

And there’s a book I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher—another book that can help orient you.

You definitely want to find something that grabs you.

My interest in my life—well, my gosh, I love psychology. I love the detective work of knowing that your psychology or my psychology is causal. If I feel anxious, I need to know that anxiety means uncertainty or self-doubt. If I feel sad, I know it means I’m dealing with a loss. If I feel angry, it means I know I’m dealing with things that are not fair.

You can read up on cognitive therapy too, or go to a cognitive therapist, and you will learn lots of wonderful thinking skills for yourself.

So I would love to hear from you again—and to hear you say, “Hey, guess what? You were right. I really wanted to—I really—I got a career for myself or an interest for myself. I also love dance and it’s oriented my life. I wake up in the morning, I can’t wait to be involved in gardening or dance or whatever the career is that you chose.”

So I hope that you find it—something that breathes life back into your life, Sarah.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

“Love is neither sacrifice nor exploitation. It’s a relationship in which both parties are happy because they both get the rational things they want.

You may be thinking, ‘Okay, fine—but it’s impossible for both partners to be happy if each one does every single thing he or she wants all the time.’

Well, that depends upon what you mean by every single thing. For example, one should properly eliminate bad habits such as being chronically late, failing to shower regularly, leaving smelly clothing and mold-covered dishes scattered about, living for booze, etc.

Why? Because these are not rational values. People cannot rationally want to be irresponsible or a slob. Just try imagining the romantic lives of those who don’t value themselves or don’t value being responsible.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com