The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Now let's turn to our after-hours line and speak with a guy whose childhood friend has everything. How is the job? And he, in contrast, has nothing.

Caller: My friend and I, we grew up in the same town, and now both are struggling, but somebody helped him out, somebody helped him out, and now he has a house, he has a job, he has everything. And on the other side, I don't have nothing. I'm not jealous of him, but I wish I had everything, you know?

Dr. Kenner: And how long have you struggled now?

Caller: Oh, I've been struggling for years.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, notice what it's doing to the way you're processing this, the way you're thinking about this. It gives you a sense of futility. "I don't know how I can go on to struggle. I feel like I need to give up." Let's talk about the dangers of comparisons. What happens when we contrast ourselves to others?

Think of it with siblings: "Joey got more than I did. It's not fair," or "Joey's better in math at school. He got a better report card. Maybe I'm a failure." Class reunions— we go back to class reunions: "I can't believe it. Frank was the dumbest one in our calculus class, and look at how wealthy he is now. He's got a house, he's got a much better job than I do, and life isn't fair." Now, where does that focus your attention? Life isn't fair. It doesn't lead you to any action, so it leads you instead to a sense of "Why bother? What's the use? The world is set against me. I can't win. My future is bleak."

Comparisons can be deadly when you use them in that form. Instead of using them, there is a different way. You can use them to emulate your friend. You can think, "I know my friend came into some luck." Or maybe this guy, his benefactor, recognized some value or good traits in your friend and offered him a job, and he earned a house, or he was able to get some housing. And you say, "How can I learn from my friend and achieve my own success?" Now, that doesn’t mean running around looking for a benefactor. It means asking your friend, "Hey, can you help me out with some business skills? What did you learn? What helps you? Or how would you recommend going about a job search now that you’ve got a job and things are working out? When you’re hiring someone, what are you looking for? How can I better myself?"

That's the goal. You want to make it you in reality, not you versus the world. I know when my daughter went to a private school as a young kid, she was in grades—very young, grade school—her friends came from wealthy families, many of them, not all, and they had really ritzy bikes. I mean, at the time, you're comparing not a house and a job, but "Her tricycle is better than my tricycle," or "Her bike with training wheels is better than mine." And so my daughter would come home and say, "They have all these wonderful things, Ma, they've got this bike."

Dr. Kenner: I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Ad: I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Romance Guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Dr. Kenner: And so my daughter would come home and say, "They have all these wonderful things, Ma, they’ve got this bike." And I said, "Would you like to earn your own bike?" And she thought that was really cool. So we went to a second-hand shop on Oakland Avenue, where I grew up in Cranston, and she saw a bike that she loved. There were two of them. She picked one. She went home. It was either $10 or $12. She folded clothes, she washed dishes, she helped me out around the house. She earned quarters and half dollars— which you don’t see around anymore— and she earned her money. She earned that $10 or $12, and we went back, and she bought that bike. And from that point on, she had such a sense of pride in her used bike.

We talked about it— she had more pride in that than the other people had in the bikes that were just handed to them. I mean, they may take pride in it, but many times, when kids are given cars rather than earning them, they don’t take care of them the way a kid who’s really worked hard and held two jobs and has earned his own way through life has— has a deep source of pride and efficacy.

So what I recommend for you is introspect. Think about how you can get your values instead of just dwelling in envy. Take some action. Don’t misuse your time. Don’t just waste it, but use it towards jumpstarting yourself. Get some even lower jobs just to jumpstart yourself. But name what you would like to do with the rest of your life. Get some career goals and be specific with them.

Then you want to figure out a way to stay gainfully employed. You wake up on time, you’re at the job, you’re a good worker. You look for a job that has some advancement, or you use it as a stepping stone to other jobs. You take risks, you go out, and you seek the jobs. And you need to know how to deal well with rejection. Educate yourself. The library, the internet, the web is filled with material for you to gain skills in a certain area. If you like carpentry, learn that. If you like plumbing, learn that. If you like wanting to go back to school for a college degree, learn how to do that.

Notice it’s you in reality, not you versus your friend. And for that, I recommend my favorite author, Ayn Rand. Her book The Fountainhead is what helped me identify how not to compare myself to others but how to live my own life and achieve my own goals, even against the odds. So, psychological independence is the theme of the book The Fountainhead. You can get that at my website, DrKenner.com, for more.

Dr. Kenner: For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: If you are rejected by a partner you like, you can ask for honest feedback. Use your own judgment in evaluating the feedback. For example, if your ex-partner attacks a good quality, such as telling you that you are too intelligent, then you know what to do— find a more intelligent partner. Anyone who is too insecure to appreciate your mind is not for you.

In contrast, if your ex-partner makes a valid criticism and points out that you are dishonest, unhealthily overweight, domineering, narcissistic, drink too much, or some other legitimate complaint, then acknowledge to yourself that you are less lovable than you could be and take steps to correct such problems.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.