The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com

Mary, your friend's husband, is driving her crazy. Yes, yeah, what's going on? Well, he seems to have a problem with smells and noises. He doesn't want anything that smells around. He has a fit if she uses shampoo, you know, that has a smell, yeah, oranges, candles, he wants nothing around that smells and just has an absolute fit. And he, you know, he doesn't even want her vacuuming the carpet because of the noise.

Is there a medical problem that he has where there's like, has he been to a medical doctor? Maybe he's got an increased sensitivity. I don't know if you've ever—you've probably had an operation. You come out of anesthesia, and the lights go on, and they seem so bright, and they hurt your eyes. Well, I haven't had surgery. Okay. Oh, wonderful. But, you know, sometimes people can have a sensitivity, and sometimes it has nothing to do with smells or noises or an increased sensitivity. Guess what it has to do with? I don't know, you're irritated with the partner, and it's coming out in really passive-aggressive ways. So I don't know, you know him better. And the first thing if it seems genuine, I would definitely want to have, you know, for him to have a medical checkup, just to rule out the fact that there might be something wrong with his senses. You know, sometimes people have unusual experiences that are not mystical at all. They just have maybe a little brain damage, or there's some biochemical problem that they have. But you know him. Do you think that if I put a steak in front of him or lamb chops, how do you think he'd react?

I have no idea. I really don't know him that well. Yeah, basically, you know her friend, yeah. And he seems to be pretty much, you know, alone or, I mean, you know, if you go to your house, you feel very uncomfortable, like, okay, you've got 30 minutes and get out, you know.

So he doesn't warm up to you. Oh, no, to anyone.

What do you know about him? Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This selfish path to romance that is interesting.

You know, if you go to your house, you feel very uncomfortable, like, okay, you've got 30 minutes and get out, you know, so he doesn't warm up to you. Oh, no, to anyone.

What do you know about him? Well, he's retired, and basically, you know, things to me like he just stays home and doesn't have friends or anything, you know, to do anything with. Okay, seems to me he makes her life miserable. I couldn't take it, you know.

So you would divorce, you would say, sayonara, adios, and then you would, I love it, adios. And then you'd go celebrate.

Yeah, yeah, I have told her before. I think he knows this irritates you, and so he's going to do it.

So he's retired, and he doesn't have any purpose in his life, nothing to keep his mind alive.

I don't, you know, he does some woodworking thing, but you know that's very little, and woodworking smells. I love the smell of it. Yeah, I have told her before. I think he knows this irritates you, and so he's going to do it. So he's retired, and he doesn't have any purpose in his life, no, so I don't know where he carved so, oh, so it's a quiet woodworking, okay, but a life, life, and I mean, you have ears for a reason, and you have a nose for a reason. I mean, if he didn't like the noise, he could certainly get ear muffs and wear them around the house. Suggested to her, you know, for Christmas, earplugs, but she said he already has them.

Yeah, the problem is, I don't think that's the problem. If he is older, I don't know, you say he's retired, I don't know if he's in his. She's probably like 70, and she's how old? She's going to be 67.

Okay, how long have they been married? A long time. Oh, so why is she just complaining now? Well, I don't know that it's just now, but she complains to me, you know? Oh, well, then that's a friendship issue. If I had a friend who constantly said, "You know something, I've got a splinter in my foot, and my foot's really hurting me," what would you think I would say to the friend?

Take it out. Take it out. Oh, no. I don't think I can. And then I see them the next time, and they say, "I got a splinter in my foot." Oh, my God, look at it. It's infected. Now, doesn't it look bad? What do you want to say to them?

Well, I have said leave, or tell him to leave, right? And at that age, they don't want to. Or the finances—

I can't afford to, which she could financially, right? So would she go to counseling? Which she gets, you know, have somebody pry, I don't mean because she's got problems. Well, she does. It sounds like if she's an unhappily married. I mean, more to help her do her own thinking with some guidance from a therapist or a counselor. Would she consider that?

I doubt if she would, but I could suggest it. Yeah, that would be great. She could even go to a cognitive therapist. It's an odd name, but it just means a thinking therapist. There's a website, Academy of ct.org, it's what Academy of CT all one word.org, and you can find a website in your neck of the woods. The other thing is, you know, I've worked with older couples, and sometimes they'll come in and one will— they're just beating up on each other. Don't turn up the heat. Well, you don't, I don't want you to turn on that radio, and that, you know, the years and decades of anger is built up so that it's really, really painful to live in that climate, in that house. And so the question is, is she a good friend for you? You know, is she someone that you can relate to, and if you share other issues, that's fine if she keeps bringing up the husband but doesn't want to do anything about it. You can just mention that point that you know, it sounds like you've been happily unmarried for a long time, and it sounds like that's not going to change. Let's talk about something that you know we both enjoy, whether it's knitting or reading, or I don't know, whatever you guys— and what do you enjoy doing together?

Well, we both do crafts. Oh, then enjoy the crafts. But just take her off the topic of her husband if it keeps going there and nothing can change, because you're not going to change her. You can give her suggestions, and you can then segue it to a conversation that you're at home with.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you it's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good. No, and that is envy. That describes envy, when it's not that you want to focus on the good in your life, but you really want to play the pity card so that people who do focus on the better things in their life, even if they have bumps in the road, feel badly when they're around you, and that is not a way to connect.

If you find that you are envious, if you find that, Dr. Ed, lock on romance, you can check that out again. Toll free, one, 877, Dr. Kenner, and right now I want to welcome Mary to the show. Mary, your friend's husband is driving her the better parts of your own life, and you're not going to work to make them better if you have a vested interest in tearing yourself down. So envy is an emotion that is very common, of course, jealousy, envy, sometimes we meet. It mean it in a positive sense, meaning, I'm so envious of you. You know, I want to be able to learn cha cha, cha too, and it's a fun thing. They don't mean it. I want to tear you down. Or I'm jealous of you. I want to get my hair done too. Go get your hair done. You know, it's fun. That's just wanting the positive value. If you're thinking, I want to tear this person down. I don't want to let them feel good about what they've achieved, then really start tending to yourself. Start focusing on what's going well in your own life, and listen very carefully to what you want. Your values done right, not your values at the expense of others, but your values that you've earned, because that will build self-esteem for more.

Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

It is not the case that all the money partners have has to be jointly managed, but a couple should always discuss important money matters together. Both partners should know how much money they have, where it is, how it's invested, what future income to expect, and the details of their expenses and debts. It might be necessary to have an agreed-upon household budget. If problems arise, they should be discussed together before any decisions are made. A partner should share information about financial problems in his or her business, and both should fully understand all financial aspects of wills and other legal documents such as leases or property titles. If you do not have a will, be sure to write one. You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.