The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, Cody. Welcome to the show.

Oh, very good. We got snap crackle and pop going on here.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, you on a cell phone?

I am, I have full service.

Okay, well, ask me your question.

Oh, my question. I just wanted to know I have a lot of pent-up frustrations going on right now. I was wondering if you could give me a couple of steps, physical and/or mental, to just release these frustrations.

Okay, especially since we've got this snap, crackle, and pop, if you could get right to the floor. If you had to pick out the top three frustrations you're facing, what would they be?

Struggling in a relationship right now with my girlfriend, we had an argument today. My grandfather passed away not long ago, about a week ago, and I just... I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm out of high school, about to go into college. I just don't know what I'm doing, you know?

Okay, so these are the four. Let me give you the four main areas of life, of values, of things that make anyone's life rich, and then we'll talk about how yours fit into that. The things that make your life rich are, number one, your own personal identity. What do you love? What do you want to do with your future? And that means career. And how old are you now?

I'm 19.

You're 19 years old. I don't think I found my career until my mid-20s or so. So on one hand, you don't want to be passive about it, but you don't want to be beating yourself up saying, "You know, so and so has their career plans. My friends all have their career plans." At the age of 19, you're shopping for a career; you don't necessarily have one until you're out of college sometimes.

Exactly, I completely understand.

So don't beat up on yourself. You waste a lot of time beating up on yourself. Instead, focus on "What do I enjoy? What would I like?" And you may take one route, like I did. I thought I'd be interested in art. It didn't work out. I thought I would be interested in biology and becoming a doctor. That wasn’t for me. I tried multiple routes. You're testing the waters, so don’t beat up on yourself. But definitely keep that question top of mind: "What would I enjoy doing? How would I enjoy spending the rest of my life?" So that’s the career issue.

The second area is—can you still hear me?

I can hear you fine.

The second area is—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

The second area is romance. You’re trying to find a romantic partner for yourself, and with that, the first one may not be "the one." You're only 19 years old, so you will be dating many different people, and you want the same type of active mind in looking at your girlfriend. You had a fight with her today, but you want to ask yourself, "What went wrong? Do we need communication skills? Are there things about her I don't like? Does she smoke? Does she drink? Does she do things that I don't like, and I'm trying to change her, to make her into the person I want?" That won’t work. In a nutshell, what went on in your relationship?

In a nutshell, today, I'm dealing with my father passing away last week. We were supposed to have the weekend, the two of us. I was gonna take her out and all this, and she just... kind of friends, right?

Yeah, which I thought was completely fine. I let her go do her thing, you know, but now she's staying there, and she's not gonna come back. And I had this whole night planned.

She's staying where?

With some friends.

Okay, your friend's house. And I had a whole night planned for us. I was going to cook dinner, I was going to do all this, and I let her know how I feel. Communication is not our issue, and I don’t want to change her. She's perfect in every aspect for me and where I’m at now. But it’s just... I don’t know how to convey to her how I’m feeling with...

Okay, don’t induce guilt in her. If you say, "You let me down, I can’t believe it. You're this. I thought you loved me more. If you loved me, you would have done this." It’s going to push her away. But if you say to her, "You know, I was so looking forward to getting together, and I feel so down in the dumps because my granddad passed away, and I..." You want to provide a solution: "I'm hoping that we can do this next week." She may then say, "Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so important to you," as opposed to becoming defensive. So you share your feelings, rather than try to induce guilt in the other person. Don’t try to do that because they can smell it a mile away, and they don’t like you for it, even if they want to have empathy for you.

So the other two areas of life— you’ve got romance, you’ve got career, you’ve got romance. You want friendships. If you lost a loved one, your grandfather, you were close with him?

Very close. He raised me.

Oh, okay, so it’s like losing your dad. You need to go through the grief process. Don’t try to bury it. If you can get some help, some good therapy, that would be great. The fourth area of life is hobbies or interests. You want to have some leisure activities, just in contrast to schoolwork. Listen, I wish we had more time.

Call back sometime and let me know how things are going.

I'm gonna call back and talk to you again.

Okay, thanks so much.

Thank you. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

There are approaches to having intimacy that do not work in relationships. For example, one-way satisfaction or pleasure between partners, the man achieving satisfaction, and the woman feeling used—that doesn’t work. A man may believe that because he enjoyed the experience, the woman must have enjoyed it also. He fails to grasp or understand her frustration or irritation, or he may be keenly aware that it is one-sided, lacking mutual joy, but feels helpless in knowing what to do or how to talk about this openly and comfortably. And if the woman meekly replies with an edge of resentment in her voice, "I wasn’t satisfied, but it’s okay," her meekness will spell dissatisfaction for both, and relationship trouble for many years to come if the relationship lasts.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.