The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here is a question. I think this is a female girlfriend relationship. It's from Michelle, and it's about her girlfriend, Lila.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. My girlfriend Lila and I bought exercise equipment in December, vowing we would use it so we could get healthy and fit again. We spent close to $6,000 on it and then converted the garage into a gym to fit it all in. I had a minor panic attack after buying it because it was so much money. I felt selfish and greedy for doing it when so many people couldn't afford necessities. She calmed me down and made me feel better by saying that this was an investment in our future, in our health, and that we would use it and not let it go to waste.

This was around the holidays, and the gym didn't fit into our holiday schedule with families and parties, so we put it off. We planned to use it, but that didn't happen. Then Lila reconnected with a friend who was a physical trainer and has her own gym. Lila is very motivated to start training and wants me on board with this. She signed up, and it cost her over $200 a month. We argue about this since it's more money poured down the fitness drain, and we're not even using what we have. She claims that it's her own money and that the physical trainer is jump-starting her. She plans to use our gym at home later.

It makes my stomach turn to invest yet more money in something we don't use. I feel like a snob who just spends money on something we don't need. We need a lot of things, like vacuums in every room so we don't have to hurt our backs and waste time lugging one around to each room. But we don't do that because it's not practical. Am I wrong? Am I not understanding her? This is bothering me so much that it is negatively affecting things because I can't understand how someone can make this choice. Help! I need some insight.

Michelle, okay. Michelle, you and Lila have multiple, multiple things going on in this issue. Here's the first one I want to address: it's something very personal and very private for you. Both of you bought the thought about setting up the gym as part of a partnership. I'm assuming that you're a couple in a partnership situation; you have a home together, and you needed a motivational plan to jump-start yourself. It looks like Lila was a little more psyched than you are.

Here is the point that I want to bring up: you don't sound like you were fully convinced that it was a good use of your money. You had a minor panic attack after spending the money, and the panic attack seemed to be fueled by your doubts about your right to pursue your dreams and your goals. I could be a little off on this, but you did say that you felt selfish and greedy. Feeling selfish and greedy will sabotage any decent goal that a person has. If I have a goal to get a good job, but I feel selfish and greedy because so many people are out of work, then maybe I won't pursue that job because maybe somebody else can have that job.

If I feel selfish and greedy wanting to buy a new home or an apartment, I can torture myself day in and day out with that perspective. Listen, if you can afford it, if that $6,000 was maybe a little bit of a stretch, but it's something you both were excited about, and it certainly focuses on something positive—health—then it was a good investment, assuming that you didn't need the money to pay everyday bills, your electric and other bills, your water bill, or whatnot.

It is your life. It is your money, Michelle—money that I'm assuming you earned—and you have a moral right to build a lovely gym in your home. You want to learn how to grasp that point and milk your values. Now, we have a friend who works very hard, and he built a lap pool in his home, one that you just swim laps in, and it gives you waves even. He uses it all the time; he absolutely loves it.

So if you've earned your money, and if it's yours, you need to know that it is yours. Your effort went into earning that money. If you would prefer to put the money to something else, well, then that may be a poor choice on your part in spending the money, but you certainly have to spend on yourself. So I want you to start to see that it's both moral and good to have the gym, and perhaps you can run an experiment with Lila. Try a training session or two with this other friend, and you can see if it works or if you're already burnt out.

Maybe there are other issues, and that's what I want to address now.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Or if you're already burnt out, maybe there are other issues, and that's what I want to address now. You have some common couple issues here because you need to be able to make mutual decisions, especially financial ones. If you were a little bit iffy about the gym equipment, that needed to be brought up, obviously, before you bought it. Once you bought it, then you want to have a plan so it can get both of you jump-started. Otherwise, you'll feel so guilty.

My husband and I have both joined gyms at times. I'm using mine now, but there are times when we've joined, and we just let it slide. You do feel guilty, so you want to get back on board with yourself. If you want to milk that gym and enjoy it, you also want to work on your own motivation, your motivation together, and maybe some communication skills and some methods to compromise.

I'm also wondering if that third woman coming into the picture, this physical trainer, is a threat to your relationship. If that's the case, bring that up directly and talk about it. I think you and Lila may be able to work something out and recoup your relationship and enjoy it much more. So see if you can learn first to value yourself and then work to enjoy each other's company. Maybe come up with some fun exercise that you can do together that makes the gym something joyous, something that you initially planned for.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I just don't know what's wrong with me. The only thing I know is that something is wrong with me. What to do?

Rena. Rena, the only one who knows what's wrong with you is you. You've got all the raw data. Whenever I say to myself, "I don't know what's wrong," that's the beginning of my thinking process, not the endpoint. The goal is I need to learn to introspect, to understand what's driving my negative feelings—anxiety, guilt, shyness, loneliness, whatever it is. I want to see what coping strategies I have. How am I dealing with it? Am I avoiding people? Am I avoiding an issue? You want to learn how to understand yourself.

Thinking isn't automatic. It takes knowledge, and it takes effort. It takes extra knowledge to get that self-knowledge, but it can be interesting. Effort doesn't mean that it's negative. When you learn to understand yourself, it can offer you some relief.

Cognitive Therapy is what I highly recommend. You can keep a journal of yourself, but I would stop by writing down your strengths. You can also get the book "Mind Over Mood" at my website, DrKenner.com. That's D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com. You want to learn as many skills as you can from Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

John and his new wife, Mandy, are initially passionate lovers, but after a few months, John gets wrapped up in some difficult work projects and takes his worries home, ignoring Mandy at dinner. Both complain about job problems. After dinner, John does the dishes while she pays some bills. Finally, they go to bed, and John is suddenly aroused by seeing Mandy undress. He tries to make love, but gets the brush-off. Mandy isn't in the mood because there's been no love-related communication since John got home.

The same thing happens several days in a row. A barrier starts to grow, and they find themselves increasingly aggravated by little things that the other does or doesn't do. The marriage slowly deteriorates because both are functioning on automatic. Their initial emotion of love does not carry them through the ins and outs of daily living.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.