The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Susan, you're struggling with some depression, or you're questioning whether you have it.

Hello, hi. You're struggling with depression, or you think you might have it.

Um, well, here's the thing: I've had it in the past, okay? It might present itself in more of a different way this time around. Okay, how old are you?

I'm 21.

And you, when was the last time you were diagnosed with depression?

Um, well, actually, the last time I was diagnosed, it lasted for several years, and it started when I was 12 years old.

What was going on back then?

Well, a lot of things.

Okay.

I was bullied severely in school.

Oh, you were bullied?

Yes. And I also had trouble coping with sexual harassment.

Okay, okay, so at a young age, you went through some pretty strong trauma. And how did you get out of it back then?

Pots and lots of therapy, yeah.

And what can you take away from that that could help you now?

Well, here's the thing. The reason why I'm so concerned this time around is because I believe that in a lot of ways, my emotions are becoming a little more—I don't know the art—so erratic. But even when it would be appropriate for emotions, you know, even though it would be an appropriate situation to feel a lot of emotion, let's say, okay? Like, I'll give you an example. Actually, I'm not making much sense, but yeah. Well, for example, I recently went through a breakup, okay? And I got out of it feeling nothing, just void. I didn't even feel any regret, remorse, hurt, or anything. Really.

How long have you been dating?

Um, here's the thing: I haven't been dating the person very long, but I liked the person for about two years or so.

Okay, so it was a long-term attraction, even though it was a short time dating. And so after breaking up with him, who broke up—did you break up, or he did, or was it mutual?

It was rather mutual, I'd say.

Okay, so you felt a little flat. It didn't feel—you weren't bawling your eyes out, you know, "I'll never be able to live without him," and you weren't jumping for joy, "Oh my God, what a relief. I'm finally free and can date other people."

Feel very flat.

And it's been this way for quite a while after.

Okay, how long flat?

Have to count, I would say at least a good two years.

Okay, what happened two years ago?

Um, well, I recovered from an eating disorder.

Okay. And which was it: bulimic or anorexic?

Um, anorexic.

And so what do you think made you flat then? I mean, if you recovered, there should be some liberation or feeling of, "Finally, you can breathe and live life more naturally."

Yes, which is the odd thing. It should theoretically be that way. But instead, I feel very flat, and I believe it's because I went through a great amount throughout my life, let's say. And it's just that normal everyday activities, even though I should be appreciating them, end up feeling absolutely nothing.

Okay. So are you in therapy again, Susan?

Um, I have a session this coming Tuesday, but I got a little impatient, so I called you instead.

Okay, that's okay. One of the things that can happen when any of us have been through a lot of trauma—do we want to re-experience it at all?

I do not because I know how traumatizing it is.

Right. And so let me tell you the problem that arises.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

Let me tell you the problem that arises. If I went through a lot of trauma, I might tell myself, "I don't ever want to feel that pain again," or "I don't want to feel that hurt again." And what we set up—we give that directive to our subconscious. Our subconscious listens to us, and it empathizes with us, and it says, "Okay, we won't ever let you feel any strong emotion again." And you want to say, "No, no, no, no, no. I want to feel the highs. I want to feel excited and enthusiastic about life. I just don't want to feel the negatives." And they say, "Sorry, honey. The only way emotions work is that when you repress—when you give your subconscious an order, 'Don't feel. Don't go there. Don't feel that pain again,' it can lop off all emotions."

So part of the problem with trauma—or part of the solution in solving it—is to be able to put it in a rational context. Work with a therapist to put the trauma in a rational context so that it's an ugly puzzle in your past, but it isn't in a million different pieces. You can—it's, you know, if you took a puzzle that's in a box, you put the puzzle back together with a therapist so that you make sense of what happened, how it happened from your adult perspective. Because when we file it away as a 12-year-old child—the bullying, or the sexual abuse, or trauma, molestation, whatever it was—

Actually, there's a little more to it. Okay, I've also attempted suicide eight times.

Okay, so it's really hard to bring up any emotions because it can make you suicidal.

Correct. That's one of my main concerns.

Okay, then you definitely need one of—you need a very good therapist or psychologist, you know, somebody who is not afraid of working in that area with you and feels comfortable being able to say to work with you safely. There is a wonderful cognitive therapy book, by the way, that you can get by going to Amazon, and it's called Choosing to Live.

Okay, and you never want to let those bullies or whatever was done sexually to you—you never want to let them win. And suicide is not a solution. It's the absence of a solution. You want to fight for your happiness like you are by calling into the show, because the part of you that wants to enjoy your life, Susan, called, right?

Yes, because that part of me that called was really concerned for my well-being.

Wonderful. That part, you want to grow. You want to find your strengths, collect your strengths. And you can also get a very—maybe your therapist would work with you on this book if they're aware of it. It's called Mind Over Mood. It's a cognitive therapy book.

I do have that book in my house.

Okay, it's a wonderful book. The other one, though, if you're worried about suicide, you know, obviously, you've got to help this week. The book Choosing to Live is a cognitive therapy workbook that, when I've used it with people, it's helped. Both of those are on my website, DrKenner.com. You know, I write up a little summary of both of those, but you already have one of those, which is great.

So listen, what I would do is the part of you that really wants to be liberated and get these ugly puzzles put together and then put on a very high shelf so you don’t have to deal—you understand them, and you move. You’re moving forward, honey.

Okay, that's the type of attitude you want. So thank you so much for calling.

No problem. Thank you so, and I wish you the best.

Susan, for more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this: Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It's claimed that sex and money are the two most frequent sources of marital conflict. Learn about your partner's attitude toward money issues before making a long-term commitment. Certainly, there's no future in marrying a gold digger—someone who wants only your money. It's also a mistake to marry a wild spender who thinks only about today but not about tomorrow when the bills come due.

Barring these types, money conflicts are normal and do occur among decent, responsible people, and strong differences of opinion can arise about spending priorities even when there is agreement on the amount to be spent.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.